MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

@Sheri99 - in her OP, @ForLemonPanda said:

”Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts.

So NOT ‘binding the child’s bowels up a bit - making him constipated for days, which will be bloody uncomfortable for him. Why do you think it is so fucking vital for granny to be able to give the child banana that it is worth causing days of constipation?

“We've seen her flip from nice to nasty and we don't know what will set her off.”

DP needs to think about why he wants his child being looked after by this woman (other than the fact that he’s scared of her.)

Agree state laws in US are irrelevant there, was siting them as the US also has regulators and studies stats, too. Not sure you can compare Scandinavian country accident/injury states with the US and come up with a reliable generalization or comparison. Scandinavian countries and countries such as Japan and Korea are very homogeneous and concurrences on nearly all policy and laws are much easier to pass in agreement with powers that be: they are homogenous and like it that way. One thing Americans envy about those countries is there is less differences of opinion and input, laws and policies pass faster, there is less radical change and sway: all due to the grace of homogeneousness.

As far as being updated: I keep "updated" or is this just an inference to age? I try to give the benefit of the doubt. Updated and wise are two different things. Once can be updated all they want, but what is wise comes with much experience and a lot of common sense.

We can each have a point of view. I still stand by my point that the difference is very small front or back and the most important take away is USE a car seat whatever suits your fancy, either way. But don't guilt new parents and scare new into doing things that truly are not necessary to keep their kid safe or healthy.

As for me, backwards facing is OK - but I didn't do it because of fear of my child being injured - but because it was a law. I was more concerned I could SEE their face and eyes as that is how I know my babies were OK, there is FAR more of a risk of one of them gagging or having SIDS in a carseat (especially small infants with small trachea) due to a collapsed trachea or choking on their vomit after a full tummy, than being killed.

Common sense is an uncommon virtue in statistics.

I don't think it is "vital" and OP could be flexible enough to consider some prune juice, etc, maybe there is something going on...not heard of many kids that get "bung up" with bananas. OP has a right to ask but she has more issues with her MIL that need working through and compromise is the key. What else is new?

Is a Mumsnetter really really suggesting that the Op should have to dose her child with prune juice regularly just because MlL wants to give the child bananas

WOW

and YUK !!!

Omg, I hate to think how you're bringing YOUR children up?
You sound awful.

How is an "idea" or an "opinion" outdated?

A Volvo or Mercedes is one of the most safe (last time I checked...) vehicles to drive your family around in. Does everyone own a Volvo and drive the speed limit and why doesn't the government mandate Volvos and Mercedes to keep children safer.

Am not so "ancient" 😂 that those rear view mirrors that reflect my rear view mirrors were not invented, either.

Simply because, you think "my way or the highway" does not mean my advice or opinions are "dangerous" to anyone. You insult parents who can think out there reading this..let them decide what they want to do or not do with my advice or opinion. Everyone has advice and opinion - look at you!

Gads! The word "dangerous" is used by so many these days!

Just because you don't LIKE my views is no reason to get rude, either.

This is a support site, I believe and not a you must do as I say or you're wrong or it's "bullshit".

My advise is a law in the states of how and when one needs to use a carseat...and guess what?

We have 50 states that each have their own rules, imagine that. And it is true, not some "outdated idea" if there is such, that children over the age of TWO are the only ones required to be in a backwards facing carseat!

IF a parent chooses to turn it around for whatever reason they deem necessary or appropriate, let them take responsibility for what happens and the ticket (here in the US) that may result from it.

Last stat I heard was less than 2-3% of children under age 2 were killed in auto accidents in the US. And a good a amount of those were likely not even IN a carseat. Therefore the safety of a car seat cannot be underestimated, but the positioning, frontways or backways: not so much in comparison.

I have four and they all are fine and are now happy, normal, all with jobs, paying taxes, contributing to society in positive ways. I dearly love children and babies, dogs, animals and they all seem to respond well and love me to interact with them - because, I suppose, I am flexible and can "roll" with issues and be happy with them?

My mother in law helped with my kids, now and again; even kept our eldest for six weeks when I was deployed for war, once. I didn't try to control her, either, I trusted her love for my children - that she would never intentionally hard them. The only "request" I ever may have wanted was "no smoking" (Grandpa smoked) but it was THEIR home, and what RIGHT do I have to dictate to my in laws what they can and cannot do when my children are in THEIR home? My father in law smoked outside - on his own volition - when the kiddos were around. My father in law was too large and ate far too many "junk" things I would prefer my kids not to have, but I would NEVER "dictate" to a grandparent - unless they were an alcoholic and even then I would just keep visits supervised and friendly.

Those mirrors were around BEFORE that time, and could be attached THROUGH the headrest tongs and had ways to maneuver them; one model was yellow, in a frame and had flowers on it! It could also convert to use in a crib.

If you say it is 5 times safer, I won't run off and check your stats.

The HARDER it is to conform to a overly strict regulation, the less often a people will USE the regulation faithfully, thereby increasing safety. Give them more choices, and they will find an avenue that works and doesn't increase the safety factor more than a tad. It is up to parents reading this, it isn't dangerous.

The chances of a child getting that torque injury that was posted on here, is REALLY statistically UNlikely and the child/infant is MUCH more likely to be hit by lightening on a road trip than get that injury.

Worry more about getting parents to USE a carseat in the first place, THAT will save more children from injury than the forward or backward position.

Internal decapitation, also known as atlanto-occipital dislocation, occurs when the ligaments connecting and stabilising the base of the skull and the first vertebra become separated.

It's (thankfully!) uncommon, but the most common cause of it is high-speed vehicle accidents and it is more common in children, due to anatomical differences.

A properly fitted car seat, used properly and in line with current best practice, is an effective way of mitigating risks of death or serious injury for a child. As far as the argument that a rear-facing child might sustain a broken leg - would you prefer your child have a broken leg or a potentially fatal or life-changing brain injury?

There may be cases where rear-facing may not be practical, and in those a family would need to carry out their own risk assessments, but for the majority of us, a rear-facing child is a safer child.

As for letting granny cause a child to experience constipation just to fulfil granny's burning need to feed the child bananas... Nope. Granny is a grown woman who needs to handle the disappointment. A child shouldn't have to use laxatives to appease granny.

It's your baby, your rules. End of.
I would go mental if someone put polish on my baby, never mind being a mummy and.baby thing, it's just not something you do to a baby, just put chemicals in her skin because of.
A baby doesn't need a phone to entertain herself either.

I personally have this problem. Found out years ago, I know most people it works the other way, but I've never had constipation like it. I now very rarely have them as it was so bad at the time it practically traumatised me 😂😂

I have to be honest and say you sound like very hard work. Some might say a fussy nightmare. I’m not surprised she feels like she’s walking on egg shells. Given she’s looking after your child, you might be a bit more flexible

I think your childhood is making you over anxious. Are all of your communications confrontational? Maybe she just finds you hard work. Your mil should of course listen to you and no feed your child things that don't agree with her. Can you buy something to secure the phone. It can't be a big deal to install the car seat everytime she picks your child up, some families only have 1. The nail varnish 1st is just ridiculous, she would have to phone you everytime she does an activity to check whether you want to do it 1st. These are so minor it seems like you are looking for problems. I would also be taken aback if my dil said she couldn't talk directly to me. It wouldn't I rease friendly feelings! Yabu

Your child, your rules and it is disrespectful of MIL to ignore what you are asking

I agree with everything you say, because you are her parent, and if you asked her not to do something then thats it. Phones on the opposite seat car seat can be dangerous. We had a car accident and if the kids had phones there they'd of really hurt them selves.

We have all these little things we want to do with our kids and do the firsts with them. It's really annoying when people just disregard what you ask and just do what they want, no thought for someone's feelings, especially when it's your first child.

My son had this little curl at the back of his head a bit like dennis the menis and my mum cut it off to keep it, yeah it's only hair but it's his hair, first cut and his curl, plus it never grew back,

I know some comments have said our it's free chikd care be greatful, but sound like she only watches her because of your husband, personally I'd just put her in thay extra day. She cant follow your wishes, and it doesn't matter if she agrees or not, it's not her child.

My mum still does the same with me and it's annoying. She used to get really pissy, I'd ask her to clean her glasses before school just stuff like that and she'd get really mad about it.

They think they know better, they've had their time with their kids, they think they have automatic rights and can do what they like because it's their grandchild. It doesn't work that way.

Your hubby needs to mannup aswell things going through him it's not working, it's causing more issues than it's solving. He needs to say to her what you say goes regarding your child, that's it.

If this was my situation, I'd just have her in day care full time and let his mum just visit, she can't just do as she pleases.

@Nettie1964 and @pinkgirl2018 - I don’t think the OP is ‘fussy’, ‘hard work’, ‘over anxious’ or a ‘nightmare’ to want her child in a properly fitted car seat, and to want them not to have a food that makes them constipated for days, with the pain and discomfort that may well cause. What is wrong with wanting your child safe in the car, and healthy/comfortable?

If it's something she specifically asked her not to do then she shouldn't do it. Indont know why anyone would think that's ok. If she'd not mentioned it to the mil then yeah she could say she didn't know, but she specifically knew. It's jsut rude

I wud say pick Yr battles, but be careful not to let her undermine.
My mil undermines me at every opportunity. She moaned wenni was pregnant with my first (9) that it was a girl, and the were wrong! Then she didn't like our choice of name, and has shortened it to a hideous nickname. I'd pump and she bought formula and tipped my hard earned breast milk down the sink! She let her call her mummy without correcting her! I let it all go. She was still giving her puree at 18 months wen she was happy to eat a cheese sandwich at home and I challenged that. Had our second (4) and again she changed his name to something that isn't even shorter! Then a few months ago my eldest asked for a set of books for her bday. I looked it up and sed I'd get them but the set was £130 ish so I explained she wudnt have a lot else to open.
Driving her to school she announced that granny sed she didn't know why I was making a fuss and they weren't that expensive.... I sat in the car after drop off, angry crying to my husband on the fone. He's general stance with his mum is to ignore it and let it go over his head but I just cudnt. It was something silly but it tipped me over the edge. I landed on her doorstep and told her right off. I sed she'd been undermining me for a decade, that she wasn't a better mother than me, especially to my own children and that I lived with one of her children and there. Was. Work. To. Be. Done!
That was end of may and she's stopped messaging me and going direct to hubby, and she's got a face like a slapped ass whenever I see her but hey ho. I wish I'd nipped it in the bud wen it first started, but I've sed my piece now and I'll never be as soft again.
I do think u mite be a bit sensitive re nail Polish but I agree on the fone l, but ultimately its yr child so shud really be yr rules.
and wen she behaves like a child I'd just draw her attention to it. If she behaves like a child she deserves to be treated as such 🤷‍♀️

Would suggest you get a phone holder for the headrest. Alternatively I have used clear sandwich bag the handles hang nicely over the headrest. Nail painting mmmm another issue why paint a toddlers nails? Was the car seat 2nd hand? Otherwise I wouldn't need to have it checked. I have a great rapport with my DIL. A little give and take on both sides is needed. Relax its her grandchild she is always going to have her best interests at heart.

You will never have a good relationship with your MIL if you have to filter comments through your husband.
You are a grown woman, it is your child, say what's bothering you!

Also there is a way to say things without coming across rude or ungrateful.

Car seat - I can understand her taking it out. It's a quick fix making sure it's ok before child gets in.

Phone - I don't allow technology out & about so I don't see the need for phones in cars. If you explained to your MIL your reasoning around car safety, she'd probably be more understanding.

Banana - she doesn't see your daughter one end of the week to other, so she doesn't see affects of the fruit. I'd have a little fruit bowl made up of strawberries / grapes and say 'I made this as I had a ton of fruit to be used up. She'll be happy with that & just a reminder that banana clogs her up'.

Nail painting to me, wouldn't bother me at all. However I've 3 kids so if someone is offering to take them & they come back with nails painted, I couldn't give a s**t 😅

I think you need some perspective, your MIL is not only doing you a favour, she is spending time with her grandchild. She doesn't work for you.
If you want someone to follow your rules to a T, hire someone. Otherwise, you need to give the woman some grace and communicate with her.

Hate to say this but you are very controlling and ungrateful,am sure there 1001 other things your mil could be doing but choses to look after your child . The banana and nail polish perfectly normal conversation required for both. The phone is being viewed by your child and MIL is nowhere near touching it so it not dangerous,your just viewing the worse case scenario. As for the car seat if it moving you should fit it yourself.