MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

The car seat is an absolute no no. It should be secure fully or she doesn't go in the car. The banana thing too is also a no. You're the one who has to deal with the child when she's eaten them! I'm sure people on here wouldn't be saying it's fine if it was a nut allergy.
The mobile phone, if not secured is also a no. That could go flying into your child's face if there was an accident. The toe nails would annoy me but I would just take it off. But the other 3, if she doesn't change then I wouldn't use her for childcare anymore. Your DH needs to grow a backbone!!

I would say this is not safe - and the baby doesn’t need to be looking at the phone anyway. Your mother in law should respect your wishes about this. Just try not to make a point about things that don’t matter (like nail polish).

I understand my MIL may feel as if we don't think she can care for a child but the difference is she had her children, she parented HER children the way she wanted.
She is caring for someone else's child.

Family childcare isn't for everyone. I know I'd have been very unhappy having to bite my tongue and watch my children put in situations I was unhappy about just to save money.

In your position I'd end the one day per week family childcare arrangement and put your daughter into the same nursery for the fifth day too, if at all possible.

If it's about the health or safety of your children anyone calling you uptight or telling you you're being PFB is quite gaslighty.

I have three kids, now grown up and teenagers, and I hate the PFB term used as an insult - they're all precious, whether first or seventh, and all deserve a parent on alert for them, not someone fighting their instincts because they care more about looking chilled out and relaxed to other adults than about ensuring the best environment for their young children.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-eLf-Car-Seat-Protector/dp/B07TKB5SWG/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?c=ts&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.l9fXbooy6WymgJVRsJ9iELho0XKb49pR1WYcW9jl0U-Rubnl0aqkd59xtHSYNYlogc4eQfyb8JTKz1MSSCIM2FLCkGgvjXc0dlrQ8ziA3EQXpT8ubjx4lNcqvTB2s2xkSTjw25fbCrXTMx__hVk1rJEKNZp-s7IIXlj3lSIHNWodKJWNnQvnDi6sIgwsF0UoUtD0zyRpVJIT-Xcbb_LAfw.2v_-oCSzexGD_2yM-8-VoOqvc6dnhD3Ajuw9UQiMor0&dib_tag=se&keywords=Car+Seat+Protectors&qid=1723129630&s=baby&sr=1-1-spons&ts_id=1895798031&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRm&psc=1

Treat her to this. Apart from the towel under the car seat and the banana id leave her to it.

@ForLemonPanda the car seat alone is sufficient grounds to prevent this woman from having sole responsibility of your child, if she isn't listening to feedback about it. An unsecured car seat isn't going to keep your child safe in an accident.

Would she rather risk scratches to her fancy car seats, or risk a dead grandchild?

The car seat either goes in securely, or the child doesn't get in the car.

Things like nail polish probably aren't hills to die on, even if they have emotional significance, but this is a life-saving and essential thing. No amount of free childcare is worth risking your child's life.

You can buy a seat protector that is compatible with car seats and has been cleared for safety. Possibly also look into an isofix so that installation is easier? If you know your child’s height and weight you can get good advise on which one will be most long lasting.

Even better, you could find a retailer who will travel to your MILs to try a few seats and check fit. Then they could mention the phone and you could be left out of it. There are car seat groups of Facebook who will have someone in your region.

I wouldn’t sweat the nail varnish, it’s stung you but it’s not worth the fallout.

I honestly would never leave my kids with any mother in law, even angelic ( looking ) one

A child shouldn't need entertaining on a short journey, they will get into the habit of wanting constant entertainment. The car seat sounds dangerous, and giving a child banana,when it causes digestive problems is positively cruel. Mil is behaving like a feckless teenager.

There's a difference in how you present this.

You know she doesn't like criticism. It sounds like you don't either.

Your points may be valid but she's hearing "not good enough, not good enough" when she's doing you a massive favour.

Could you not say "I realise you are worried about the leather so here, we've bought you a proper non slip mat designed for the purpose?"

It isn't just about what is said here but how it is said. If it sounds like you issuing a string of demands and having a strop over bloody nail polish you won't make yourself heard on things that do matter.

Well yes, but she's doing you a favour isn't she?

She can get a proper cover to protect the seat - my DH used to have one. Quite thin so no movement

And to absolutely clarify -
The car seat is rear facing and the phone is just propped between headrest and car seat so could easily fly into the baby's face, Yes?

Jesus Christ.

For my husband, yes, somewhat. Our daughter attends 4 of the 5 days for daycare but we are still required to pay for 6 days.

I did not want her watching/caring/babysitting her at all. But my husband is also her parent, he has a say too.

You can buy holders for phones to be held beneath a headrest or the front or back of a headrest for this purpose. My Q would be actually is it the use of the phone at all that is an issue - I agree that its not necessary on a 20 min journey, but maybe if baby is tired they are fractious and she finds it difficult to concentrate driving in this situation. ITs an easy fix if it is just the "phone might fall"

Car seat as others have said I would have more of an issue with this, I would defo get the mat but also relook at how its installed as it doesn't sound like it is properly installed and if it is old or second hand it may be out of its use date and need replacing - again if you are getting free childcare this should be at your cost then you get to choose which one and can make sure its firm and the restraints within it are in good condition etc.

Nail polish I can't get too het up about, as a working Mum you sacrifice lots of firsts and you are going to have to get used to it I am afraid

So is your husband going to inform his mother that your child will not be going in his mother's car whilst she insists on driving the child in an unsafe car seat ?

Is your husband also going to inform his mother that the child is not to be given bananas.

As a DGM who has done a LOT of childcare over the years, the
'free' thing is absolutely irrelevant. You've offered. Do it properly

As the grandparent you should be DESPERATE to keep your DGC safe and you need to listen to the parents over safety concerns

She did do.

Yes, i had this mental image of mother in law with the phone kind of wedged between her ear and the headrest ! I hope she means the child is watching it …

I think you're being a bit OTT and should be thankful for free childcare.

banana issue - I would get a t shirt printed - No Nanas Nanna.

This is a more serious issue though as it has health consequences

I couldn't be pussy footing around on this sort of issue like DH. Imagine if it was Nuts she reacted too they would take that seriously surely - so why different if bananas

The car seat is the major issue, and is really very serious. I'm not sure why your OP doesn't lead with it. For that alone I wouldn't be allowing her to drive my child around anywhere unsupervised until I was confident she would always, without fail, install it properly.

I'm a mil and a grandparent, and I don't ignore the parents' requests on things like this. Funnily enough, we have a good relationship because we respect each other and communicate properly. It really isn't that hard!

I so agree with this!