MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

Well on this you’ve a point. How does the car seat slide. That seems it’s not fitted correctly?

But is that the question? We all have preferences and the issue is about the MiL respecting those of the child’s mother.

Why is your MiL responsible for inspecting the child seat for safety? Can't you do it?

I can't see the problem with the phone or the nail varnish.

when she arrives each week on her day to watch toddler, I have to reinstall the seat and remove the towel. I have asked why she places it, and its to avoid damage to the leather. She will remove the seat when not in use and put it back in the morning before driving to our home.

I think all of these things are pretty futile and I’d just be glad of the feee childcare if it were me. I bet she says to her friends. ‘Christ I even get a bollocking for giving her bananas!’

You want to be the first one to paint her nails? Come on, it’s her granny. Is it honestly worth even mentioning? If I’d painted a toddlers nails whilst doing the parents a favour I’d be miffed to be called up on it.

I thought you meant she was driving whilst using her phone, but I think you mean the phone is strapped to the back of the drivers headrest so your toddler can watch Peppa Pig whilst your MIL ferries her about. Again, hardly a biggie is it?

ah ok - this is not good at all. She needs to get a proper mount for it and secure it properly if she wants to use it, although I agree that getting into the habit of using a phone to entertain for short journeys is not very helpful.

Is it, doesn’t the father count too? And does the caregiver ie the grandmother have no say> other than the car seat and banana , this is a list of petty shite.i can see why the husband is trying to stop the op keeping having a go and only presents when she has a point.

I do not think you should continue to allow this woman to watch your child. I wouldn’t.

I read it as she’s putting on something for the child to watch and balancing it on the front headrest in front of the child’s car seat.

I do it every morning when she arrives, she removes the seat and puts it back in the day she is watching child. Each time however I have to remove the towel she placed beneath it to avoid damaging her leather seats which I can agree could be unsightly. I just wish she left it installed as she is not hauling anything. She just feels it does not need to be in the car if not in use.

I actually agree, you’re never ever going to accept her op; so she should be with paid carers. As this can’t go on. You won’t accept her. And as such, it’s best it stops. Now. For all your sakes.

Yanbu. The phone is a projectile that could easily injure your child in an accident. If a phone is really needed for such a short journey, it should be properly secured in a phone or tablet holder that is designed for the purpose and attached securely to the car chair. I only let my DD have soft toys in the car, anything hard or heavy could hurt them terribly in an accident.

She needs education if she thinks a child needs an unstable car seat and a fucking mobile phone ffs my son had a drink lose in the car today I braked not particularly sharply but quite hard it fucking flew smashed into my console image that being someone's face and yes damage could easily be done

So people think OP should be alright dealing with her child be constipated every week because the granny won’t give her another snack? And an unsecured phone just propped up in front of the child’s face isn’t a safety risk? Some people really will find fault with an OP for anything 😐

Sorry, just seen the update about the car seat. It sounds like it's not properly fitted in the first place never mind regular safety checks. Just say no to that - no quibbling. Let the nail varnish and looking at the phone go or put your child in a nursery.

It sounds like you're an over anxious parent with their PFB and you don't know how to pick your battles.

Your MIL is doing you a huge favour by having your child all day every week and you need to give her some slack. The banana and the car seat are important, the phone thing was ridiculous - if MIL has a car accident the last thing to be worrying about is a phone attached to the headrest - and if you wanted to paint her nails first you should have got on and done it. It's not a big deal at all though, there are a million other firsts.

Maybe your experiences with an awful mother have made you over protective?

Honestly, stop using her for childcare. She doesn't listen to you, and she's endangering your child.

It doesn't really matter that your husband has a preference of one day a week being provided by family, unless he can provide it or you can organise your work lives together so that you can, or you can alternate.

He's unwilling to stand up to his Mum, his Mum doesn't have your child's best interests at heart, this arrangement isn't doing your relationship with your MIL any good.

Oh, I don't care about what her friends will think.

I wouldn't allow someone to take a child in a car seat that wasn't properly secured. Your husband needs to speak to her about that and don't allow her to take the baby until that's resolved. Pay for childcare if she refuses.

As for the rest of it, they're petty annoyances.

@Moveoverdarlin - I disagree that it is ‘futile’ to worry about the phone hitting the child in the face if the MIL has to stop the car sharply. And constipation is uncomfortable and often painful, so why is it wrong to ask that the child isn’t given something that @ForLemonPanda knows makes her constipated? Is granny’s pleasure in giving the child something they like more important than the child not being constipated? There are, I am sure, plenty of other treats that the child likes, mum approves of, and don’t make the child constipated, that granny could give her.

I agree with all of it. I told her this morning I'm not allowed to speak with her about issues because of her son, she looked taken back.

Ahh I see. That makes more sense, although no baby needs to watch a screen in a car so it would annoy me that she was doing that, even if it was 100% secure.

Yes, my childhood often causes anxiety when it comes to others watching my child. While I am and have been in therapy for a while, I spent years of my childhood and early adult hood cowering because of my mother. I'm trying to un do that.

The only thing of concern would be the incorrectly fitted car seat and the banana.

The rest isn't a really a big deal.

Send her to nursery if you're not happy. The problem is your husband not your MIL.