MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you do sound rather confrontational and it might well be your communication style that is causing unnecessary tension.
As others have mentioned that cat seat and banana situations are totally unacceptable but the other issues are not a hill to die on. I can’t believe you’d pick a fight over nail varnish.

the seat towel thing is easily solvable, get a proper seat protector for her leather seats to install with the seat, so the towel can be got rid of properly.

Banana thing is understandable, but Varnish? Really? That is NOT a special 'first' and you're being silly.

This is the crux of the matter.

' as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. '

THAT is your problem, as your child can be around family when the child's parents are around family.

you did not have to agree to free childcare just so the child is around the father's family, this is easily achieved by visiting !
either this family come and visit you or you go and visit the family.

whether you go with the child's father when he visits his family is up to you, whether you are always at home when the father's family visit the father and your child is up to you.

And as I said when you have free childcare you should pick your battles. OP is free to use someone else if MIL isn't providing childcare adequately.

To be honest Id say no matter what she does you will have a problem with her. Car seats are fiddly especially when you don't have a small child yourself and aren't dealing with them constantly so it's really not a big deal to just adjust it once a week for her. Personally Id be really grateful for the free childcare and honestly yes I'm a bit jealous of people who've had loving grandparents happy to look after their DC so I'm probably a bit clouded in my judgement of the situation. If you aren't happy then pay for childcare

You're right about the car seat safety issues, and the bananas.

The nail varnish is ridiculous. It's not a "first". And if you're having someone else look after your child, you have to accept that some firsts will be with people other than you anyway (that's not me having a dig at using childcare, mine have been in nursery or with my in-laws since they were under 1 when I went back to work).

The car seat needs to be properly secured. If your MIL was stopped by the police and they checked the seat they would not let her drive any further as it's dangerous.

I couldn't get wound up about nail varnish.

I'm with you on the phone.

I think really that you need to find alternative childcare.

I do think though that on these types of threads it comes down to how you speak to people. There seems to be a lack of being able to communicate to people without being rude.

Does she even want to look after your child or is just doing it because of her son's wishes? Because to me it doesn't sound like she does. All of your concerns are valid apart from the nail polish one. I guess this is your first child. I understand where you are coming from as I was like that too, but in the grand scheme of things it's not a big deal as compared to the other safety concerns. And whenever you raise a concern, never use the words "I feel" just tell that it is unsafe because as soon as you use those two words every one will be on your throat saying that it's just how you feel and are being unreasonable.

@ForLemonPanda

book DD into the nursery for the extra day. She's not taking car safety seriously & no way would she be putting my child in her car.

DH had his opportunity to have his mother look after the baby, but screwed it up, so now she goes to SAFE childcare.

Can you emphasise the pain your child is going through when bunged up. She can't want to give bananas if it's hurting her GC.

I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

In the gentlest way - because it is hard letting go as a parent - you feel that way because that's exactly how you are behaving.

The truth is if you dont like how someone else is behaving with your child and genuinely feel they are putting their safety at risk (doesn't sound like MIL is from what you've said) - you need to find alternate childcare.

But that very likely means when you need emergency care it won't be there.

In fact the banana is the thing I think you have most point over - they did it to me too!

I think a lot of posters above are right. There are several big things which are dangerous (car seat and phone not secured) and annoying (giving banana) along with a load of minor things which are are only things because of big things.

The car seat would be a 100% no from me. If someone couldn't understand why a car seat should be fitted correctly they would not be driving my child anywhere. Car seat safety has changed so much has changed so much over the years as more research has been done. Seats are designed for safety and are NOT to be used with anything additional. No seats allow for covers/towels to be used with them. I would focus on car seat safety and if she can't listen to you on this then you don't know what else she is just plain ignoring.

@ForLemonPanda
@wanttogetadvice

no, no one should be painting a baby/toddlers/young child nails. The chemicals should NOT be anywhere near those young absorbent nails.

I don't agree with nail polish either. Child sucking on fingers or biting nails could ingest it. It's really unnecessary at that age.

And you might not realise it, but you might be curt when you say some thing. I know I was like that. Think on how your phrase things and how ti might sound before saying that. I am saying this from my own experience. I too am like that and have to filter a lot now.

that was not the OP's issue though. Her issue with it is that she want's to be the first one doing it for her child.

Yes thank you, I couldn't put words to it, It almost feels like we can't openly talk with her because she may take it as an insult. She has said before "i've raised three kids, It's not my first time." So that made me feel like if I do say something, it will be taken as she was not a good parent.

Everything you say is perfectly acceptable. Apart from the nail polish. You want that to be a thing that you do first?

For the phone, can you buy something to secure the phone to the headrest, so a compromise of sorts. I agree, wedging it is really dangerous. You don't want any kind of potential projectiles, much less near the face of your child.

If she is collecting the baby then why is it so difficult for you just to check if the baby seat is OK? Is it in the front or back? I wouldn't drive around with a baby seat in the car unless I had a baby with me every day.
No bananas? OK, I get that.
Perhaps she feels she can't do right for doing wrong for you?

She's nuts. I have my own car seat for grandchild. The seat has been out once when we went on holiday and once when we needed to clean it. I have leather seats as well but it's not marking my car. I really couldn't put up with all the fuss taking it in and out

I didn't voice my grumpiness about the nail polish, I kept it to myself because really it doesn't matter, I took it off. But a lot of people have said similar to you so I wanted to address it.

First child? I am never mean at all on this site but I am going to say - wind your neck in. My mum gave PFB his first chocolate bar and I was outraged - looking back now, I needed to give my head a wobble.. Pay for childcare but I guarantee you will have issues with that too. You need to relax and be more chilled and I am saying that as a mom who was once also highly strung.

I am a MIL, and a grandma, and I want to be a good one - which means respecting my DIL and my ds, and supporting their decisions, including their parenting decisions.

Are they doing things differently to the way dh and I did them? Yes, of course they are - guidelines and advice have changed since I had a baby, and their child is a different person to any of my three dses. If I am asked for my advice, I will give it, but if I am asked to do something a particular way, or if I am asked not to do something, I follow their wishes without comment - without negative comment, I should say - I take every opportunity to compliment their parenting.