MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

There'll be people who say you're overreacting and people who say you're not. My opinion is that it's not a big deal if your toddler is watching a phone on a short journey, and when you have free childcare you should pick your battles. Same with the nail polish. No idea why you'd need to inspect a car seat for safety?

you mean she is using the phone whilst driving? Absolutely not, whilst as a passenger if you were driving is totally fine.

Like the above, some things are more serious than others. Painting nails is not a 'special first' thing. Inspecting her car seat? Who did that?
the phone is an issue, I can see why you are worried it could fall on the baby if it's propped in the head rest. And bananas I guess if it upsets his stomach.

The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

He can’t have it both way. I understand that he may be conditioned to tip toe around his mum’s feelings but he needs to either allow you to talk to her or he needs to be more direct. Right now he’s more concerned about hurting her feelings than yours and you are his wife.

I’m not sure what you mean about the car seat being inspected for safety but do you mean that she hasn’t installed it properly or that she’s bought it second hand and you don’t know if it’s been in an accident so should have been thrown away ?

No, she props it in the head rest so the baby can watch it while she's driving, is what I understood. So baby in rear facing car seat, phone propped in the head rest, and if the car has to brake suddenly the phone could easily fall and whack baby in the face.

Is the phone attached to the headrest so the child can see it? Or is MIL holding it while driving?
The former, really not any big deal at all, for the sake of free childcare and actually being grateful and kind, suck it up
The latter, hell no, no way no how - pay for childcare rather than take that risk

The banana thing is not unreasonable at all. My ds was the same and I felt like a broken record having to remind people about his other intolerances too.

Could you please clarify - is she holding the phone whilst she’s driving? If so, YANBU, but you’ve framed your concerns a bit oddly.

As for bananas, surely you just say " oh god Linda, you should have seen the nappies after I gave him bananas! Bunged him right up so I've had to stop giving them. Can you give apple or something instead?"
Or something like that? That was just a normal conversation you could have had?

Have you thought about buying her a clip or other gadget holder that will allow her phone to be attached more securely ? She may not use it as you would have bought it but maybe you can appeal to not wanting her expensive phone screen smashed?

I don't understand whether your MIL is holding the phone while driving, which is obviously not ok, or whether the phone is propped up so that baby can see it.
I don't really agree with that either, but for a short journey it's not worth all the hassle.

Correct, the car seat is not tied down tightly. It slides across the seat due to the towel beneath it as well.

I assume the phone is being held in place by something - how secure is it? We use something which holds a phone so my LB can watch it on long journeys and it is secure so it's not a risk. Any loose item can be dangerous in a crash so it's probably more dangerous for her to have her phone loose in the door pocket than securely attached to the headrest.

Yes I have talked with her before this but she feels because child loves this so much, it is okay to give them to her.

It's nudged between the head rest and the passenger seat back. I know its hard to imagine but its not secured by anything else.

I assumed, from the OP that the MIL is using the phone while driving. Either way, if @ForLemonPanda is not happy with the safety of the phone being used in that way, she should be able to ask her MIL not to do it, without her MIL kicking off about it. Ditto asking her to avoid a food that makes the child constipated,

Your husband either does what he says he would or you do it, he is being useless and lying to your face saying he will handle it, so how can you trust him with these things?
You can't so he can suck it the fuck up and so can grandma.

That or just book your DD into nursery and take that day away, he doesn't get to dictate your child goes to family if it's unsafe or causing issues.

Holding the phone while driving is illegal but your other complaints are petty apart from the banana (I've never heard if this but I'll take your word for it).

That’s a bit much isn’t it, you’re scared the phone will fly off and hit your kid in an accident.and you want to be thr first with nail varnish. I can see why she feels about you as she does and your husband is trying to filter you. If it’s this kind of petty shite that’s why he’s not always telling her.

How on Earth are you letting your child be put in that?! Why?

You are quite right to raise safety concerns, and your husband is wrong to say you should go through him - safety can't wait until he has a spare moment. So 100 per cent on your side there. Re the nail varnish etc - if it was me I would let it go. Other people don't look after your child the same way you would - that doesn't necessarily mean it's all bad. Free childcare does come with a price - just not a monetary one.

She’s not holding it. She’s nestling it between the front seats so the child can watch it, a good idea in my view. The op is apparently scared it will fly out and hit the child.

Yes I have strongly told my family not to apply polish.

There is a long history of undermining among my family which is why we moved hours away from them. Aside from that, my mother is an abusive alcoholic that caused several car accidents when I was a child. between the ages of 1 and 4 i was in 7 accidents while mum was driving. I am very serious when it comes to car safety.

OK everything taken into consideration stop this woman looking after your child. She's bordering on dangerous