MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

I agree also, I don't see why she needs a screen at all. MIL doesn't like it when child gets antsy while she is driving. But I always said its okay, she will be upset and antsy about anything.

She's more concerned about the leather seats in her car than your child's safety, that isn't doing you a big favour at all, she's incompetent and dangerous.

Put your child into nursery and extra day where she's looked after by professional people that actually take her safety seriously.

Using a phone while driving is illegal and dangerous and i would definitely say something

Your other points are super precious and made me eyeroll

Painting her nails is not "special" thing. Shes doing free childcare!

SHE ISN'T HOLDING THE PHONE THOUGH!

Any chance you could get an isofix base that stays in the car and the seat clips onto it? This is fixed firmly so very safe and wouldn’t slide when MIL is driving.

The only thing of concern would be the incorrectly fitted car seat.

The rest isn't a really a big deal.

I think the banana is a big deal too.

You're never going to be happy with what she does so just put her in daycare. The nail polish thing is so random.

I think you're quite reasonable with your requests, particularly with your history

The list is a bit of a mix for me but it might be better all round if you and your DH use childcare instead.

Not to sound picky but she’s not ‘watching’ your toddler one day a week, she’s providing childcare and that’s bloody hard work.

This I absolutely not on.

You will be a MIL one day.

I wouldn't be happy leaving my child with someone I didn't trust, family or not.

Wedging a phone above a baby's face in the car is just stupid.

You would be perfectly happy for your child to be strapped in a car seat that slides around the backseat and to be fed bananas even though the tiniest amount makes them constipated? All because it’s free childcare? There comes a point where free childcare is not worth putting your child in harms way.

You sound like hard work, however so does your MIL so I can see why you butt heads.

I’m a granny, I don’t do anything that might harm my grandson. If my DIL said no bananas, he wouldn’t have bananas. He wouldn’t have a phone shoved in his face, because I personally think it’s unnecessary. I can’t put the car seat in, so they do it and make sure it’s safe.

It’s bloody ridiculous that you can’t talk to her about any issues you have without going through your husband. It sounds like the pair of you need to grow up and try to get along the sake of your child.

So?

Are you insinuating that op ignore the complete lack of care safety to avoid what? Upsetting a grown adult who should know better because she married her son?

There comes a point where free childcare is not worth putting your child in harms way.

I agree, so the OP would be better off paying for childcare.

Most of us wouldn't do things that could hurt our grandchildren or upset our daughters-in-law though.

OP some people on here can be so rude, it's not anyone else's place to determine whether or not they think nail polish painting does or doesn't matter, it was obviously important enough to you to mention to your MIL and the issue is that she went ahead and did it anyway, right? Similarly with the other things, you're upset because you've voiced an opinion or concern and you feel like your feelings aren't being heard.

Obviously I don't know what your particular circumstances will allow, but I think in your shoes I would say to my husband that unless we're able to reach an agreement in terms of how conversations with MIL are going to improve and you are going to be heard and your opinion respected, then there is no choice but to increase nursery to five days

I wouldn’t be happy about the car seat, for all you know she uninstalls it again and puts the towel down as soon as she picks up your DC. I would not rather pay for nursery than have someone watch DC who did this. Plus the fact she doesn’t care about following your rules.

Yes I have strongly told my family not to apply polish.

Wow.

The nail polish thing is just silly. Pick your battles

That's pretty unreasonable. If I looked after a child one day a week there is no way I would drive around all week with a car seat in the back so I had to remove it to put anything in the back or offer friends a lift.

I take it is not isofix?

Why on earth should she keep a car seat in her car when theres no child around? The thing is OP whilst you may have some legitimate concerns because you are mixing them up with silly ones she’s choosing to ignore the lot

The car seat sounds unsafe.

I would book DD into nursery that extra day. It would be worth the cost not to have all this additional anxiety and drama with MIL.

For the time being, MIL can still see DD when her parents are also around so she won’t miss out.

Car seat: this is the biggest issue. What she’s doing is downright dangerous and you are doing the right thing in reinstalling the seat correctly. This is a non-negotiable and I would be concerned she is repeatedly doing this as you have explained how dangerous it is. She should be concerned about the safety of her grandchild. Not be more concerned about being right.

The phone: minor hazard. I wouldn’t want this either though, but would solve it by buying her a proper secured mount and present it as if you’re doing her a favour as if will be much easier.

Banana: well known to cause constipation because they’re high in potassium. Not everyone will know this, however, but she should still be listening to you if you tell her it causes the baby discomfort. She probably thinks she knows better.

Nails: I had no idea people saw this as a special ‘first’. I’d let that go, so you only focus on the important stuff and she might be more likely to listen when you do raise real issues.

Having said all of the above, it seems to me there is an underlying issue here where she doesn’t want to be ‘told’ anything by you. As soon as she gets a whiff of something coming from you instead of her son, she is going to resist it and look to undermine/ignore it, regardless of the objective importance of it. It’s really childish, especially in an adult of her age, but you won’t change her. I would think carefully about whether you might be better off having a firebreak in the relationship, putting your child in nursery for an extra day and coming back to granny looking after her again after a few months, in the hope it might reset things.