MIL threw phone when asked not to use in the car with toddler

[ForLemonPanda]

First time on this site, hello!
Toddler attends daycare 4 days a week, MIL watches her 1 day a week as my husband requested toddler be around family as well. This has been the arrangement for over a year since I went back to work.

Both me and MIL can butt heads, we both get defensive easily, so husband asked me to go through him with any issues I have with her regarding our child. The problem is when he does, he isn't very direct, and she doesn't take it as serious as I would like them to. Or there are times he never speaks with her.

Example this morning: MIL came to pick up toddler for their weekly day together. MIL has been using her phone held by the headrest and to me this is unsafe. If she needs to stop quickly, or another car hits them, that phone could easily hit my child in the face. So I asked her not to. Her attitude changed quickly and said "why?" a few times when I simply said oh it just makes me nervous, you know how I am with car safety. She just would not drop it so I explained it could hit child in the face and child can entertain herself for 20 minutes so no need for the phone. She then throws it into the front of the car and her face is pissed off.

She said she feels like she is on eggshells with me and never knows when something is bothering me, I explained her son asked I not go to her, so we avoid upsetting her but at the same time I don't want to ignore safety concerns of my child just to not hurt a grown woman's feelings. She seemed to genuinely understand this part, but I know she sees me as controlling and has said as much. I told my husband what happened and while he agreed with me he still feels I should have waited for him to say something.

Other things I have asked him to speak to her about:

• No bananas, toddler will get bung up for days with the smallest amounts. I ended up having to be direct with her and she was cold towards me.
• MIL painted toddlers nails when I have openly said not to, that I want that first time to be with me. But I kept my mouth shut and just took the polish off.
• Having car seat inspected for safety, I again had to be direct with her.

This thread is quite long, I apologize. I simply don't have a village or friends who are parents and sometimes I feel like I'm being heard, just viewed as dramatic or controlling.

Why exactly are mothers of young children invariably told not only to put up and shut up but indeed to be "grateful" - for things that make them deeply unhappy and worried, which put their children at risk of discomfort or worse (constipation in toddlers is no joke and can make everyone around the child miserable, not to mention the child herself), and which the mother herself neither wants nor needs, but other adults want.

I get it.

put the phone in a ziploc that gets pierced by the headrest (make sense?) but really that much screen time for a toddler? MIL is being pretty freaking lazy.

course you go to get the Car seat inspected! It’s a quick check at the Firehall here, they find an outrageous amount improperly installed. And she gets to flirt with a fireman!

banannas bung up kid! Seems super reasonable of an ask.

yeah. You are mom. Firsts are for you. Like the nail Polish (also who da heck put nail polish on a toddler).

If you’re uncomfortable with this maybe time to revisit the arrangement. But b then you might have to visit with her more…

I don't find any of this unreasonable. And if DH isn't going to bring things up then you're going to have to - and if she kicks off then she doesn't look after the child, it's as simple as that! I presume you would have other arrangements if DH has basically demanded the 5th day be with family? Was this not going to be your plan originally?

The banana thing should just be common sense, if a child is allergic or has any other reaction to a food then you don't give it to them. How stupid do you have to be to feed a child something that causes a reaction or problem when you know about it?

The phone thing is also just stupid. If it's not secure then yes it could cause damage in an accident, or even just if she brakes too harshly and quickly - my phone stays in my pocket for that reason. The kid can do without a screen for a short journey, give them a soft toy or tell them to look out the window (my 19mo loves this).

I also don't see an issue with the PARENT checking someone else's car seat is installed correctly and safely either. Especially if it's been noticed that it basically isn't and the OP has stated they've had experiences in the past. My husband kept putting the seat belt across our newborn seat even though it's in an isofix base, gave me absolute hell when he found out that I didn't do the same on every journey and made me feel like complete crap and that I was putting our child in danger. Until I looked it up and found it wasn't actually needed because of the base, and as it was saving me 5-10 minutes faff every single day I enjoyed telling him to do one. Though I wouldn't expect him to be checking up on how I fix the kids in the seat when I do it more than he does, but he was concerned and voiced it to me and learned that he didn't actually need to be messing with that every single time.

And anyone saying the nail Polish thing "isn't a thing" - to OP it clearly is. There's nothing wrong with wanting certain things to be saved as a "first" between mummy and daughter, no matter how small. Just because it doesn't make sense to you, doesn't mean it doesn't matter. I would expect to be the first to paint my daughters nails or take her for her first haircut or bake with her for the first time - and yes I would be hurt if someone else did that before me. Especially if I had specified not to!!!

Seems MIL is doing everything in her power to go against OP and just generally p*ss OP off. Even if the childcare is free I'd still consider finding something else for the 5th day, would be a lot less stress and aggro.

@Magpie2310

The Op is already paying the 5th day at Nursery ! It's the Op's husband that wants the child to spend time with his family...despite the 5th day at nursery being available and paid for !!!
@ForLemonPanda will maybe come back one day and update us on last week's chat with MIL...

Have you read any of @ForLemonPanda's updates, @Polly7122 - I'm sure she has said that she has asked her MIL not to feed the child banana because it makes them constipated, and she does take the towel out from under the car seat and refit it. She is also not worried about her MIL looking at the phone while driving - her concern is that the phone is insecurely wedged into the headrest, and if her MIL had to brake hard, it would fall out onto the baby, maybe hitting them in the face.

So she has had the 'perfectly normal conversation' and her MIL has ignored her and then pitched a hissy fit.

Also, she is paying for 5 days of nursery, but only using 4 so her MIL gets time with the baby, so I'm not sure how she is being ungrateful. It isn't as if she is getting free childcare and saving money.

And can you explain why it is controlling for a parent to want their child in a safely fitted car seat, or to ask that their child isn't given a specific food that makes them constipated (which will cause them a lot of discomfort) for days?

As OP has stated the car seat slides along the seat because MIL doesn’t install it correctly, id hardly say that’s petty. That’s actually extremely negligent.

The literal only thing that I think is unreasonable is the nail polish, but honestly if you’ve stated you don’t want someone to do something then they really should listen when it comes to your child.

If bananas cause your child to be bunged up, it’s absolutely big deal. My son had this issue with certain foods as a baby and ended up on laxatives for a prolonged amount of time, which causes all other sorts of discomfort.

An ill fitted car seat is NEGLIGENT and DANGEROUS. People saying this is an unreasonable point are frankly blowing my mind right now.

And from what I’ve gathered the phone is being jammed/held by the headrest. No actual proper restraints or holdings. Hasn’t anyone ever just DROPPED their phone on their face? Can you imagine braking the car hard, and that phone flies as a projectile and hits a small child in the face? The damage that could do?

Honestly.

Even my eldest daughters 19 and 20 who have a 1 and 2 year old think it is ridiculous. The younger generation tend to be more mamby pamby than ever as my mum would say "grow a pair"

I couldn’t care less how many children someone had or that they had children long before me, but granny should show respect for the children’s parents who have the last word in anything that happens.

my mum had our children overnight when she wished and took them out for days because she followed my wishes whereas mil didn’t, so she didn’t have our children alone. She was fun granny with chocolate and fruit shoots galore.no thanks, I don’t want hyper children.

That loose phone could seriously injure your child in a crash, it would travel towards him at great speed.

Regarding the towel under the car seat could you buy her a proper grippy car seat mat. Diono has good ones.

”No bananas fair enough but wise up about the rest.”

Even about the grandmother repeatedly putting a towel under the car seat so it isn’t properly fixed, @Mandaxx25? Really?

A genuinely caring grandparent would want to do everything right, to ensure the health, well being and safety of their grandchild. They would also accept that guidance changes over the years, so things that were acceptable when they raised their children, are not acceptable now - and that even if their children were completely unscathed by their now-considered-old fashioned parenting, they aren’t the parents any more, so they need to do things the way the child’s parents want them done.

I know this because I am a grandmother, and I can see the differences in parenting guidelines between when I raised ds1 and now he and his wife are raising their child - so I do things the way they want them done.

I’d ask her to go to somewhere that fits car seats and gives the relevant safety advice and the car seat or fixing is then left in her car. Explain if she won’t do this your child will be going to childcare. Regardless of people opinions on your other points the car seat is a deal breaker.