I want a third child but husband doesn’t

[Mumofboys000]

Hi all. I really want a third child but my husband is against the idea. We are both in our late 30’s and have 2 DS age 4 & 8. His reasons for not wanting a third are as follows:

1. I had mild PND after both my first DSs and he did a lot to support me so he’s worried this would be a lot for all of us 3rd time around
2. He now has a high powered job where perhaps he couldn’t just muddle through a day like he did before when tired after a sleepless night
3. We would have to pay for a minimum of 3 days of childcare a week after ny year off and he feels this will set us back as we are now in a good place financially
4. We would need a new car
5. Holidays are all geared towards families of 4 and would be more expensive
6. Doesn’t want to go back into the newborn/baby/toddler years lol

I have taken his reasons on board and I can completely see where he’s coming from, but I can’t get rid of this feeling.

My counter argument is that childcare costs etc would only be for a max of 2 years and then we have a free childcare scheme for kids aged 3+ so that would be a brief time period in the grand scheme of things. Also, I just feel that we will regret not going for it more than we would regret having a third bundle of joy! I’m not stupid enough to think that having a 3rd would be a walk in the park - far from it! - but I just know that I will always regret not having a third. I’m not asking for advice on how to change his mind, but more about your experiences of going for it and having a 3rd in your late 30’s. I really want to have that pregnancy, birth and baby experience one more time 🙁

Please be kind 🙂

I assume your first two were enjoyable. Just imagine the third as a non-sleeper tantrum throwing, peace destroying financial burden.

Isn't "I want to" the basis for most couple to decide they are going to have a baby?

I'd have been heartbroken if my husband had said no to a 3rd, so I do understand how you must be feeling.

Think how much it will cost to support all 3 through uni

I'm trying not to add it up (two more student-years to gooooooo).

This was me 4 years ago! My boys were a bit younger though I think. I had 2 DS's (3yrs & 4mths) and just knew I wasn't done. I'd only ever wanted 2. We agreed on 2 before we got married, but the desire for a 3rd was all consuming. From when DS2 was about 18m old I would cry thinking about it - it was awful (didn't mind if a 3rd DS or a DD). In the end, even though DH was terrified of the idea he decided to go for it as he said I clearly wanted one more than he didn't if that makes sense? I now have 3 ages 8, 5 & 2.5.

I'm being as honest as I can here, so pros and cons:

Pros: DH adores her, her eldest brother adores her, I've got to do all the fun baby/toddler bits again. When the 3 of them play together my ❤️ feels so full. They are developing their own relationships with each other now & things they like to do together, e.g. DS1 & DD play monsters/chase, DS2 & DD play chef and cook together.

Cons: she is an absolute nightmare a lot of the time. Tantrums, not sleeping, hitting, throwing. Many more years of carting her to and from nursery when we work (boys are in school). The age gap means it's difficult to find things for all 3 kids. They all like different food. DS2 initially not a fan, probably not until she turned 2 - he is still often the target of the throwing. House now feels too small so we will have to move. When it is at its most difficult, DH sometimes says 'you wanted this' which upsets me, even though he says he loves her/doesn't regret her.

There is a totally unfiltered, honest account. Hope it helps and good luck!

Very similar story here. I actually found the early years with three DC pretty easy - joyful, in fact. The DC all has a fantastic bond together. I was delighted that we'd made the decision to have a third, and it felt like it was all upside with very little downside. I felt secretly smugly sorry for 'smaller' families (I feel awful admitting that now).

Now they are teens it's very, very evident that there are significant downsides. Basically there are just less resources to go around - time, money, energy. They've grown into quite different people - all lovely, but very different - and it's very hard to constantly balance everyone's needs. There just isn't enough of me to go around, and I'm knackered.

We've been visiting friends recently, one with one teen, another worth two, and their lives are so much calmer and more straightforward.

I don't regret any of my DC as individuals but if I was to do it again I'd make a different choice.

My friend had a third and soon after birth, the baby was diagnosed with a rare form of Down Syndrome. The diagnosis has changed their family life, dynamics and her career completely and it’s been challenging for everyone. Baby will need operations and significant care in the future.

Count your blessings OP and enjoy what you have. I agree with your husband’s reasons.

I too think about those lovely squishy newborn days. However you need to think very carefully about all the possibilities and how would it work, twins, a child with complex health needs, complex learning difficulties, the sheer volume of work (food prep/laundry), cost of clothes and food etc. are all these possibilities things you are liking and able to take on. I suspect dh has thought this through and therefore decided against for these reasons, but the emotional side for you is making you crave it again. I get it, we had these conversations about a second baby. Dh wasn’t keen but agreed. Ds turned up very Prem with complex ongoing health needs. I cannot work. I barely see my eldest. Dh has to work ft whole running all else while I can spend long stretches in hospital. This is our current reality- it’s not easy and not something I ever considered.

You do, but really your head should be leading, not your heart.
Be realistic.

There's decent age gaps so shouldn't be an overlap or a short one if someone does a 4 year degree then a postgrad.

One or none might go to uni.

Almost identical age gap. The biological urge for the third was so strong. It wouldn't go away. My dh was the same and didn't want one. Eventually, I think I wore him down. Not proud of that, but we had a third. He agreed to try on condition that we did very thorough genetic testing early in first trimester. And I also took on some extra work to save for the maternity leave.
He didn't want to change our family dynamics, he felt we lucked out on first two and couldn't believe a third would add more joy. It was just really difficult for him to see it.
We did all the tests, had a dream, older woman pregnancy and now, 4 years later, 3 children, a preschooler, primary and secondary student all the school runs!
We both still work full time. Overall I have less time for myself but wouldn't change anything. The financial costs from 2 to 3 have not been significant.

I should add, I have no urge for another. That stopped after the third.

Thanks for sharing. What was the reason for him changing his mind in the end?

This probably won't make any difference to how you feel but I was in a very similar position to you. Late 30s and desperate for a third child, so very, very desperate. My DH was less keen but he came round.

Our youngest is 16 now and is an utter, utter nightmare. She is gradually destroying our marriage and our once happy home. We are all in therapy because of her inability to act like a normal, respectful, friendly human being. I am counting down the weeks until she leaves for university.

I cannot stress enough OP. If you have a happy, healthy family life please don't bugger it up like I did. Think of what you have and value that.

Wow @BloodyHellKenAgain I’m so sorry you’re going through that. It sounds so tough, but thanks for being honest and sharing your story. I hope it all works out for you in the end x

It’s a gamble - a great big gamble. We both decided we had lucked out with two healthy easy going lovely kids who get on well and we didn’t want to roll that dice again. I’ve sat as a friend spat out “I knew we should have stopped at one” as their second is slowly destroying their family.

Also it’s not like when we were teens and young adults way way more is expected of parents today in terms of support for older teens and young people. Financial emotional and practical, I hadn’t realised that fully as 90s parents our parents were far more hands off with us. You would be looked at with horror by your peers if you parented like that today.

The baby / child years are just a stage. Team DH sorry op.

His 'hormone filled' heart might just be that he wants to enjoy the two children he has turn from young children into teens. And to enjoy those special years, without going back to the much more time demanding baby years.

There will also be 9+ years between your eldest and youngest if you have another. It would be a tricky balance to enjoy family days out whilst meeting the needs of three children at quite different stages. Instead of thinking of the baby with small children - think of having 4y, 9y and 13y.

I have a lovely relationship with my sister now we are adults but growing up we never really got to have an equal sibling relationship as I was 9 years older. I'd left home to go to university before she started secondary school, for example.

I would have loved a third. My husband was on the fence he was scared it would be twins or after two healthy babies the third something could be wrong. I also had a 6 year age gap and he said having his first at 30 and second at 36 he definitely said his energy levels reduced and struggled more with the sleepless nights with the second.

it never happened and now at the point of having a 21 and 15 year old. Glad we didn’t go for the 3rd - the costs at this point has felt like nursery years lol Driving lessons, cars, car insurance, university costs (this is even with her getting loans & her working PT) and things like mobile phones and the cost of having a teenager. But also ensuring I’m putting enough away for a pension - the part time hours and maternity leave has left gaps.

Yes I still feel like we should have a third but no regrets!

This isn't an uncommon problem no matter how many children you have already. Logically reading your arguments I'd say the odds were fairly heavily against. But logic doesn't always come into it. But really if your DH is firmly against this does make things difficult. Unless he has a change of heart I think it would be unwise to have a third child.

• I had mild PND after both my first DSs and he did a lot to support me so he’s worried this would be a lot for all of us 3rd time around

Go back to work sooner or outsource more help.
• He now has a high powered job where perhaps he couldn’t just muddle through a day like he did before when tired after a sleepless night

What's the point of a high powered job if it doesn't pay for the lifestyle you want? (Ie 3dcs)
• We would have to pay for a minimum of 3 days of childcare a week after ny year off and he feels this will set us back as we are now in a good place financially

What does he want to spend money on?
• We would need a new car

Most people replace cars every 2 years.
• Holidays are all geared towards families of 4 and would be more expensive

Tell him he can take the 2 DSs away on his own while the baby is young. Eldest won't want family holidays in another 7/8 years anyway.
• Doesn’t want to go back into the newborn/baby/toddler years lol

If he's in a high powered job how present is he likely to be in the grind?

Some harsh comments on here. Wanting more children isn't always rational but it's a really powerful force when it hits you and I know I didn't feel like my family was complete until I had a third. Luckily my husband agreed and he would even have liked a fourth but I was the one that said no. I think now your youngest is 4 you know they are entering a new phase of independence: reception etc and it's sad to think that the baby phase of your life is over but think on the bright side. So much more time for your self. More time for you and your husband. Can refocus on work and career and make more money. Less restrictions on days out / holidays etc. throwing out all that old baby stuff and clearing your house out. And you still have two healthy kids who are super young and still need your love and support. That's a lot more than many people get.

@Longma makes a good point. It's one thing imagining a new born with 2 primary age kids, where you're still able to suggest family days out/ activities and the older ones are still quite pliable and on board. And doing the primary school run with a baby in the pram might be a lovely feeling to have again.

But imagine them as a 13 year old, a 9 year old and a 4 year old. The eldest is going to be wanting independence and won't necessarily appreciate family activities which will work for the youngest. Then imagine two teenagers, 17, 13 and one still only half way through primary school!

And that's if you fell pregnant straight away... the age gaps could be even greater.

It does feel a bit weird saying this as we had 3 but the difference was, we both always said we wanted 3 and we had them close together, so although the early years were tough (3 under 5's!) it meant they were a little gang who went through each phase together. No way would I have had a 3rd if I hadn't fallen pregnant quickly each time

My friend tried for baby 3. She ended up with baby 3 and 4! Could you cope with that?

My parents had an unplanned third pregnancy. It was a twin pregnancy but only one made it to term.

We all love my little sister but it did change our life significantly. My mum had to return to work when she was 5 weeks old as she only got 6 weeks maternity leave and she was a week late. There mortgage at the time (1991) was £600 a month due to 15% interest rate. The third bedroom was 6ft x5ft initially so all 3 of us shared a room - we were 12, 5 and 1 at the time. They were able to move the wall so the smallest room was 6ft by 6ft6 making it suitable for a bed and wardrobe. We all took our turns in the little room.

My dad had to start working abroad to earn more money. I would be away for 3-6 months and only home for 6-8 weeks over the course of a year. Which boiled down to 2 weeks at Christmas, Easter and summer and a little bit of time here and there during the year.

Meals were all bulked out with bread and butter, I only realise as an adult that this allowed a meal for 4 be spread across 5.

We couldn't afford a holiday every year and my parents often had to do small jobs for friends and family to afford it.

Support 3 of us through education was costly too.

My eldest sister was in an abusive marriage and moved home to escape with her daughter. My youngest sister was still living at home as only 20 and the house that struggled to fit us a children very much wasn't big enough for 4 adults and a grandchild.

I love being one of three but I would have had a very different childhood if I was one of two. The biggest difference would have been being raised by my parents instead of my grandparents and not being responsible for running the house when I was 11 when my sister left for uni and my parents were still working all the hours they could. I felt so much freedom when I went to uni and went from looking after 4 people to just myself!

I had the exact same situation as you in my late 30’s. I really really wanted a third. I felt I wasn’t done and longed to go back to the baby/toddler years. My husband didn’t for exactly the same reasons as your husband.

If I had really pushed it I would have got my own way (my DH is a bit of a pushover and always gives in if I dig my heals in) but I needed him to really want another too. I tried to persuade him to see all the positives for a couple of years and whilst he did listen, nothing I said would make him actually want another child.

Eventually I gave up with a heavy heart. But after a few years the feeling passed. I’m now mid 40’s with a couple of teens. Life is busy and good and I’m very happy with my lot.

You will get over this. I think it’s part nostalgia and part bio clock ticking. The feelings will eventually pass.