I want a third child but husband doesn’t

[Mumofboys000]

Hi all. I really want a third child but my husband is against the idea. We are both in our late 30’s and have 2 DS age 4 & 8. His reasons for not wanting a third are as follows:

1. I had mild PND after both my first DSs and he did a lot to support me so he’s worried this would be a lot for all of us 3rd time around
2. He now has a high powered job where perhaps he couldn’t just muddle through a day like he did before when tired after a sleepless night
3. We would have to pay for a minimum of 3 days of childcare a week after ny year off and he feels this will set us back as we are now in a good place financially
4. We would need a new car
5. Holidays are all geared towards families of 4 and would be more expensive
6. Doesn’t want to go back into the newborn/baby/toddler years lol

I have taken his reasons on board and I can completely see where he’s coming from, but I can’t get rid of this feeling.

My counter argument is that childcare costs etc would only be for a max of 2 years and then we have a free childcare scheme for kids aged 3+ so that would be a brief time period in the grand scheme of things. Also, I just feel that we will regret not going for it more than we would regret having a third bundle of joy! I’m not stupid enough to think that having a 3rd would be a walk in the park - far from it! - but I just know that I will always regret not having a third. I’m not asking for advice on how to change his mind, but more about your experiences of going for it and having a 3rd in your late 30’s. I really want to have that pregnancy, birth and baby experience one more time 🙁

Please be kind 🙂

Thanks for your very useful and honest answer. That has given me another perspective ❤️

The government are helping working parents now so you get free child care from 9 months old 15 free hours at first and then September 2025 it goes to 30 free ...it's a hard place to be to be honest and I totally understand...I would love another child but financially it's hard and my partner doesn't want anymore children...

Neither of you are right or wrong, your desire for another child doesn't trump his desire not to have another child, and vice versa. But he's in the better position because you're not pregnant

Do you want to try for a girl?

Your set up sounds very good. I wouldn't rock the boat. Your husband doesn't want another anyway so it's a moot point surely.

How do you know that this would be the last child and you won’t want a fourth ?

Other people’s experiences aren’t going to help because your husband’s arguments are reasonable and you said you’re not trying to convince him that his reasoning is wrong.

I have 3 but had them when cost of living was cheaper and I was a trailing spouse overseas so no difference to my career and doesn’t really help your situation.

He's thinking with his head. You're thinking with your heart.

I think his reasons sound sensible to be honest and generally if one person wants another baby and the other doesn't, the one who doesn't 'wins'

You might have twins
You might have a child with disabilities
Your husband might leave you
depends If you want to take risks when you have a lovely family already

You make some very good counter arguments 😂❤️ My eldest two are in good routines and go to bed fuss free (most nights!) and sleep well. I wouldn’t expect my parents to look after 3 for us, but we could share the babysitting load between aunties, uncles etc if we really had somewhere we needed to go. Thanks for the supportive words ❤️

That’s not a lie 😂 A girl would be lovely to balance things in this house!

Not wanting one trumps wanting one I'm afraid. Every time. You just have to wait and the feeling will eventually go away.

I know that this is true - any tips on getting rid of the feeling as quickly as possible? 🥴

Do you feel broody for another pregnancy/ newborn? Or do you feel another person to raise til adulthood and beyond? Often , it's the former.

Yes - and you may be right. I feel a bit robbed, as that was a very difficult time to have a baby

Borrow a couple of toddlers for the day.

Unfortunately the one who doesn't, vetos the one who does.

The feeling is broodiness I suppose. I want to be on maternity, going to baby groups, walking my kids to school and picking them up - probably all the things I missed due to Covid with my second. @Cherandcheralike made a very valid point!

”Walking my kids to school and picking them up” is a telling one in that list - is this also about feeling like you want more time with the family and you only get that on mat leave? Is there scope to change your hours etc to be with and focus on your current children? If you think you can do that (with the added expense, and don’t underestimate that) of a third baby, can you do that now?

Babies grow up, you need to plan around children and teenagers as well.

My husband and I talked about having three DCs but he changed his mind after DC2. His reasons were similar to your H’s reasons. I was very upset and quite angry because we had a plan and he changed his mind. But his reasons were sound. It took time and put some pressure on our marriage (I felt resentful, he felt guilty). But we got through it. Ours are late teens now and with how much money we’re spending, plus the stresses and worries about mental health/college/university/gaining independence, I’m pretty glad there isn’t another one. I don’t think there is any quick and easy way to make the sadness/resentment fade. You just have to keep yourself busy, which is easy enough with two kids and a job. It will fade in time.

I wanted a third, husband didn’t.

This did become a bone of contention for a number of years, at one point he said that we could have another if ‘I wanted to.’ At the time I felt this was particularly horrid, it put everything on me and I felt like if anything went wrong there’d be an element of ‘well you wanted this.’

My line in the sand was that I wouldn’t want to have a child that wasn’t equally wanted by both parents.

In essence that was that really, we’ve stuck at two. Do I regret not having a third? Sometimes, but I think I’d regret a child having a parent who is resentful of their existence even more.

I felt the same. I actually worked through the feelings with a therapist and had pretty much come to terms with it. I started looking forward to amazing holidays, free time, focusing on my career... then found out I was pregnant anyway 🤣

A couple of friends in the same situation as you decided to go for the girl and I do judge them for it. Please make sure you work your feelings out instead of inflicting then on the kids you have already.

Part of me would love to adopt again. But the rational side of me is so glad that DD is thriving, healthy, and becoming independent.

OP, I don't know what you are asking for on this thread.

I can only say life isn't perfect, and appreciate what you have rather than focusing on what might have been

I would be thankful for what you do have, rather than pine for what you don't.
Your DH sounds like a wise and good man/father.

I know that's not what you asked, but I think your heart is ruling your head.
I do understand that deep yearning to have a baby.

Thanks for being so honest. I really value my husband and his opinion therefore I will have to just accept his stance on this

Yeah I wanted three. Husband did not. He got his way after a few friends had a third child with additional needs, and I knew we would be too stretched to give good care.

Now the kids are older teenagers and I am SO GLAD I didn’t have three ! Waved good bye to the school run without a backward glance. Now have our own lives back plus able to help teenagers and focus on them.

’but I want to’ isn’t a good enough reason really. It is just the hormones talking.

It's a very difficult decision, isn't it?

I have three, but they are grown now and it was a lot cheaper to raise children back then. For example, we could just about afford for me to be a SAHM for a few years. These days the decision might very well have been different because most mothers have to go out to work and I'm sure I would've done.

I always knew I wanted three. DH would have happily stuck at two, but I was craving a third really badly. I had two boys and genuinely didn't mind what I had next. I don't know how I persuaded him, but I didn't pressure or nag him. I just told him that the feeling of wanting another wasn't going away and one day he agreed. A year later, baby boy number three arrived. I felt complete after that. Neither of us have any regrets.

I feel like I’m not done with the baby years and don’t want to leave this phase of our lives behind. I love watching them grow and develop into such lovely little people. It’s such a short time and yes it’s hard, but so worth it. But my husband doesn’t feel the same and is thinking with his head and not his emotion & hormone filled heart 😭 I know he’s right and his reasons are valid - but I have every right to feel this way too