I want a third child but husband doesn’t

[Mumofboys000]

Hi all. I really want a third child but my husband is against the idea. We are both in our late 30’s and have 2 DS age 4 & 8. His reasons for not wanting a third are as follows:

1. I had mild PND after both my first DSs and he did a lot to support me so he’s worried this would be a lot for all of us 3rd time around
2. He now has a high powered job where perhaps he couldn’t just muddle through a day like he did before when tired after a sleepless night
3. We would have to pay for a minimum of 3 days of childcare a week after ny year off and he feels this will set us back as we are now in a good place financially
4. We would need a new car
5. Holidays are all geared towards families of 4 and would be more expensive
6. Doesn’t want to go back into the newborn/baby/toddler years lol

I have taken his reasons on board and I can completely see where he’s coming from, but I can’t get rid of this feeling.

My counter argument is that childcare costs etc would only be for a max of 2 years and then we have a free childcare scheme for kids aged 3+ so that would be a brief time period in the grand scheme of things. Also, I just feel that we will regret not going for it more than we would regret having a third bundle of joy! I’m not stupid enough to think that having a 3rd would be a walk in the park - far from it! - but I just know that I will always regret not having a third. I’m not asking for advice on how to change his mind, but more about your experiences of going for it and having a 3rd in your late 30’s. I really want to have that pregnancy, birth and baby experience one more time 🙁

Please be kind 🙂

No one has a right to a child and if both partners can't agree, the partner who doesn't want another child wins. No one should be forced to parent without their own consent. That being said dh needs to handle birth control from now on.

You are now in the truly lovely years of childhood with your 8 year old and just starting them with the 4 year old so parenting seems much easier than it has been in the toddler/colicky baby stage. However there are the teenage years to come and they are in someways the hardest of the lot. At the later tween stage they start becoming stroppy and smelly and basically believe that they know it all and their parents are totally lame. Then as the teens hit they regress to being overgrown toddlers except that now you can't pick them up to stop them doing something stupid, you suddenly find that no matter how often you fill the fridge they have emptied it within 5 minutes of getting home from school and you are filled with embarrassment every time they have friends round as all their friends have beautiful manners and yours are surly show offs (although thei friends parents will tell you how lovely your children are and how thier own offspring have no manners whatsoever). If you think Kevin the teenager is a work of fiction think again.
Then you have 3 lots of getting them to work for their GCSEs, three lots of the stress of exam results and potentially three lots of university fees some of which may overlap and student finance doesn't consider that you might be paying for more than one at a time and the maintenance loan may well not cover their rent let alone their living costs.

You can ask people to be kind, back off, abstain from giving their opinions…but you won’t get it. Its the internet.

If he’s not on board with having a third I think you need to try and be happy with two children. You haven’t provided any counter arguments other than you ‘want to experience pregnancy, birth and a little baby again. That’s normal but then you might want a fourth for the same reasons?

Have you considered how having the third child be severely disabled with very complex medical needs would affect your family?

He’s made it clear that two ‘bundles of joy’ are enough for him. Respect him for that and leave him alone.

I think all your DHs points are valid and it's not really fair for you to try and change his mind or put pressure on him.

I agree that his points are valid, and I’m not pressuring him or trying to change his mind. I’m looking mainly for advice which gives me some insight into how it would really be if we had a third so that I can try to get over this feeling of wanting another

I think the broody feeling you are experiencing is very normal as women approach the end of their childbearing years (the now or never deadline) and your current children leave the young, dependent phase. And of course babies are cute and in hindsight everything is rosier.

On balance his view makes more sense and trumps you “just wanting another”.

I suspect this feeling will fade with time (and as the physical possibility passes).

Good luck x

Yes, this.
Sorry, I'm happily child free, so I don't understand why you'd want to repeat all the baby and small kid stuff.
And from my experience (I'm 45), most relationships around me went downhill right after children turned up.
Yours didn't and that good.

Cats can get independent quite soon.

A dog would be better for the OP. Her youngest is nearly old enough for some breeds.

I don't think to you should force a child on anyone. Is a third more important than your marriage? If you have PND is it fair to put that stress on him again? Have you got medical advice on this?

You're naive if you think it's not possible to regret having a third child.

Wonderful advice. Kittens are just as cute and much less work

Mine (boys) are 4 and 18 months. I would like another. Boy or girl, don't care. But DH is completely against it. I also had mild ppd with both, we have no support system here, and DH worries about the financial aspect. I have to make peace with the fact that my DH and my kids are more important than my want of a 3rd. I know it's tough but if your DH is against it, I think with two children already, you have to try make peace too with your beautiful lads.

What contraception are you using?

This. One parent’s veto is the end of the discussion.

My DH was similar to you OP—he wanted a third, but I categorically did not. He got over it.

It's tough when you're at opposite ends of the spectrum with this isn't it?
I would've had no 3 and maybe no 4 but my husband said no. In reality, I resented him for this for about 4 years. Now, my youngest is 6 and I don't long for another one nor do I regret not having them. I'm 42 and I'm getting older. I'm definitely slower than I was 10 years ago.

If it so happened that I caught with another, I'd love it and cherish that baby, but I don't "want" one in the way I once did.

Time may make you feel better about this OP.

Its not just the childcare before they go to school / could you afford driving lessons, university etc for 3, help with weddings/house deposits etc too? Its very expensive as they get older and it would be a shame if your other kids opportunities were reduced because you choose to have more.

How big is your house- would it mean more kids sharing rooms?

If your husband couldnt help at night, and you had PND what support would you have?

In terms of help getting over it - why not make plans and do things as a family of 4 that you couldn't do pregnant/with a baby? Plan an amazing holiday, go to a theme park, enjoy more couple time with your husband.

I did also get a puppy that helped me, she is my baby which sounds ridiculous but it allows me the cuddles, smothering and attention of a little thing that needs me which helped the broodiness

My comments are made as kindly as possible i promise.

I have two children and am now 50 so too late for more. When I was 40ish I kept thinking I should have more as it was hopefully still possible but not for much longer. My husband was happy with two. I don't know if I could have persuaded him but I expect he would have said similar things to yours.

I wondered if I'd regret not trying for just one more. But ten years on and I definitely regret nothing! Eldest is now at uni and the expense is never ending.

It's easy to think of the nursery years as the expensive bit and then they get cheaper and cheaper. That's true for a while but i think you're not thinking about the reality of life with late teens/ young adults. There's so much to pay for and I don't just mean laptops, phones and trainers (and food!!!) But big ticket stuff like driving lessons, car insurance, private ADHD diagnosis, uni maintenance and eventually we'll want to help our two with house deposits and paying off their tuition loans as I don't think they'll be able to get on the property ladder otherwise until we die. We can probably just about do it for the two of them but three times over would be really challenging.

So I'm actually very glad to have stuck at two!

Excellent insight into the future - thanks for posting! 🙂

Slightly different situation as I have one DC and DH has two (one from a previous relationship plus our DC).

I wanted another child and DH didn't.

He had rational reasons but I also felt (I think understandably) that he was denying me something he had already.

We talked about it. A lot. One thing we learned was to do so when we were both calm and avoid the subject when heightened in any way. The "rows" rather than discussions were not helpful and built resentment rather than understanding.

I absolutely did not want this without his full support/commitment. Like a pp said I think having a child that one parent does not want is supremely selfish.

In the end he said if I really wanted another child he would be supportive (after about 2 years since the subject was raised).

The thing was that once he said that and it became my sole choice without his "buffer" I realised I didn't want another child.

We were happy. The children were happy. We'd just got through the endless waking nights and eldest DSC was starting school and youngest in nursery.

We were financially in a good place and starting to go on great holidays. I was working full time again and really enjoying my career and being successful both in terms of progression and earnings.

I realised just how much I (and DH and the children) would be giving up to go back to the baby years - and suddenly now I could do it, I just didn't want to.

I think in part our positions had become so entrenched I stopped really thinking about what I wanted vs what I valued.

Twenty years on and I don't regret not having another child.

I look at all we have done/achieved as a family and know that another child would have had a massive impact on that.

This was especially cemented as they became young adults. You think children are expensive re: childcare etc then you will have a rude awakening when they hit mid teens and beyond.

As is we've been able to support them both in a way that would not have been possible with three and us still having a a very considerable pension pot to look forward to when we retire (at 60 because we can afford to).

Then we hope to be grandparents some day who have the financial security and time to support the next generation of little Bread's :-)

If I was to go back to myself I would advise thinking MUCH longer term than just free childcare.

Hope that helps x

I am the first 1 of 3 girls myself we did not get on as children and still don’t. I swore I would only have 2 myself as the dynamics of 3 meant someone was always left out. My youngest sister was a “ happy accident” and I think my dad secretly hoped for a boy but the she popped out. My parents were fabulous but I would definitely preferred to only have 1 sibling.

My broodyness was occasionally painful, with already one of each,
youngest 3,
18 months between them,
pram, cot, everything already sold or passed on,
my husband put forward pragmatic and practical reasons why not -
we have one of each
you are too old (33)
the hospital is too far away if anything goes wrong
we are out of the woods with nappies, potties, sleepless nights (mine not his)
one parent can handhold 2 children
2 parents can take one child
friends and family will look after 1 or 2 children but baulk at 3
restaurant tables fit 4
unextended our dining table fits 4
packs of four (anything)
we would need a larger house, car, income
we would be starting again after finally coming through
the intensity of the last 5 years,
there is a higher squabble factor with 3
there were many examples, all off the top of his
head, so I knew he had been thinking about how my feelings
were sometimes overwhelming

he also started buying and using Fetherlite ha ha

anyway, he persuaded me, I didn’t think in practical terms,
only the desire for a baby, hormones playing havoc

good luck OP, this too shall pass, be strong, don’t be throwing away
the goodwill of your loving husband and dependent boys for an ‘if only’

Seriously it's your hormones combined with saying goodbye to the pre-school years. It's difficult and sad for many women to say goodbye to those years when motherhood is all encompassing.

I have 4DC, I was still broody, very sad to that period of my life ending.

8.5 years between eldest and youngest it's only now they are eldest those 2 get on well.

Also the taxi duties for 3 let alone 4 if you want them to have hobbies and activities.

We stopped at two and so glad we did. Kids close in age and get in so we have done so much as a family that wouldn’t have been possible with a baby / toddler / younger child in tow.

Dd1 about to embark on university- it’s gets seriously expensive as they get older as pp says.

Also you hit peri menopause late 40s and frankly don’t think I would have it in me to parent a third teen though those years and ours are pretty easy compared to others teens and are lovely. Honestly sooo often Dh and I say thank god we’ve only got two.

Same situation here so I feel your pain. I know the standard response is one person says no therefore no more, but I find it difficult to accept DH’s desire for no more is more important than mine.

It could be a third boy! I'm with my team's husband, and we stopped for reasons similar to those he listed. Top to bottom you'll have quite an age gap an they will want very different days out, holidays etc.