I want a third child but husband doesn’t

[Mumofboys000]

Hi all. I really want a third child but my husband is against the idea. We are both in our late 30’s and have 2 DS age 4 & 8. His reasons for not wanting a third are as follows:

1. I had mild PND after both my first DSs and he did a lot to support me so he’s worried this would be a lot for all of us 3rd time around
2. He now has a high powered job where perhaps he couldn’t just muddle through a day like he did before when tired after a sleepless night
3. We would have to pay for a minimum of 3 days of childcare a week after ny year off and he feels this will set us back as we are now in a good place financially
4. We would need a new car
5. Holidays are all geared towards families of 4 and would be more expensive
6. Doesn’t want to go back into the newborn/baby/toddler years lol

I have taken his reasons on board and I can completely see where he’s coming from, but I can’t get rid of this feeling.

My counter argument is that childcare costs etc would only be for a max of 2 years and then we have a free childcare scheme for kids aged 3+ so that would be a brief time period in the grand scheme of things. Also, I just feel that we will regret not going for it more than we would regret having a third bundle of joy! I’m not stupid enough to think that having a 3rd would be a walk in the park - far from it! - but I just know that I will always regret not having a third. I’m not asking for advice on how to change his mind, but more about your experiences of going for it and having a 3rd in your late 30’s. I really want to have that pregnancy, birth and baby experience one more time 🙁

Please be kind 🙂

Surely most people don’t replace their car every 2 years? That’s absolute madness!

There’s nothing remotely funny about pressuring your husband into a third child because you want a girl

That's what I thought!! We've had ours 12 years and it's still going strong!

Hi, I would say you need to think about the children's perspective as well. My parents had an unplanned 3rd child, at the time my brother and I were 9 & 7 (I'm the eldest). She was a very difficult child, I was pushed to one side and expected to grow up too soon, didn't receive the parental support I needed at several key points in life (and still don't). I strongly resented her altho I couldn't put it into words at the time, and have never really found any link with her. My brother was much more unbothered about it and they are still close today which I still struggle with tbh. (I'm in my 30's now.) So maybe its just a girl thing with me...?
It's taken a very loving family and husband of my own to begin to heal those wounds and give me some confidence in myself. I understand where u are coming from but it just sounds terribly selfish to me 💔

I've had mine 13 years!

Your points are all very baby/young child focused.

Being a peri-menopausal mum to teenagers is as hard or harder than when they were little. And I have only 2.

I can't really remember, I may have cried a few times. 🙄
Also, we spoke about the bigger family, what it would look like in a few years, three felt like a gang. A few children to visit when we are older, although not that different to two, it felt like having three would be a proper big gang.
I think I sold him the vision!
Also, after agreeing to the few things I mentioned, about finances, tests etc, he knew how much I wanted it. I think getting across how much it meant, and how I would handle it made him realise how much thought I had put into the decision.
There was a couple of times in the first few months after dc3 was born where he said "well this is what you wanted". Not what you want to hear during a night of nonstop crying!
But the love the big now and DC 1and dc2 are besotted. Dc3 entertains us all.

When ever I felt broody I got a new chicken, dog or horse!

You'll need to talk it through with him and reconcile yourself to the two you have. If really tough for you maybe therapy would help.

OP, just to say I completely understand. My dh didn’t want a third, I so badly did. We discussed for a year and eventually came to conclusion that I wanted it more than he didn’t and I got pregnant. Caveat - we are in financial position to afford, enough space etc and also in a country where 3 kids is v much the norm.

so a different point of view - our third has fit right in and we are so done - dh has got a vasectomy. It’s hard work at times but dh has fallen in love with him and his siblings adore him. Just another perspective.

I was the same as you, OP and it has taken me a couple of years to get through it. I had to let the feelings be. In some ways I have avoided babies. But I deep down know it’s definitely the right decision for us. We are so blessed to have two children and counting my blessings every day and practicing gratitude has really helped.

Good it all worked out for you. But I believe both parents should totally want a child; not one parent not wanting one not quite as much as the other parent does want one.

If both parents aren't 100% 'I want a child' then I can see that if things aren't easy (whether that's something major like a child born with disability, or the normal stresses or a difficult teenager further down the line) it could place a lot of strain and resentment. I don't believe it's a situation where one parent's want for a child should trump a less keen partner. It's too important a decision for that

(My reply was to @Zoom02 )