I want a third child but husband doesn’t

[Mumofboys000]

Hi all. I really want a third child but my husband is against the idea. We are both in our late 30’s and have 2 DS age 4 & 8. His reasons for not wanting a third are as follows:

1. I had mild PND after both my first DSs and he did a lot to support me so he’s worried this would be a lot for all of us 3rd time around
2. He now has a high powered job where perhaps he couldn’t just muddle through a day like he did before when tired after a sleepless night
3. We would have to pay for a minimum of 3 days of childcare a week after ny year off and he feels this will set us back as we are now in a good place financially
4. We would need a new car
5. Holidays are all geared towards families of 4 and would be more expensive
6. Doesn’t want to go back into the newborn/baby/toddler years lol

I have taken his reasons on board and I can completely see where he’s coming from, but I can’t get rid of this feeling.

My counter argument is that childcare costs etc would only be for a max of 2 years and then we have a free childcare scheme for kids aged 3+ so that would be a brief time period in the grand scheme of things. Also, I just feel that we will regret not going for it more than we would regret having a third bundle of joy! I’m not stupid enough to think that having a 3rd would be a walk in the park - far from it! - but I just know that I will always regret not having a third. I’m not asking for advice on how to change his mind, but more about your experiences of going for it and having a 3rd in your late 30’s. I really want to have that pregnancy, birth and baby experience one more time 🙁

Please be kind 🙂

My cousin did this with kids the same age and sadly the third child was born with a lot of disabilities and it changed their lives forever, not to mention the childhoods of the other two children. They basically missed out on the rest of their childhood and made a lot of sacrifices. Something to think about as a possibility.

It’s horrible when you’re in the midst of that yearning, it can feel all consuming. I sobbed so much over it, and whilst I wasn’t trying to manipulate my husband into another child, I was genuinely devastated over his stance.

Hindsight can be a wonderful thing though, my mental health was/is never the best, and I had some very dark moments in the years since (not over baby no.3 you understand, just life). I think that if we had done number three, I don’t think I would have come off great MH wise. I think overall it’s worked out and we’re all at peace now, I still do wonder what could have been in wistful moments though. Then again don’t we all.

How would you feel if he said yes, but you went back to work as quick as safe and he took the paternity leave instead?

OP, your husband may be feeling with his emotion filled heart that does NOT love any of the things you do. The idea of having another child filled me with unmitigated dread. I expressed it through similar concerns your husband had but dread was what I felt. You could’ve talked me into it, indeed I talked myself into it, but it was a huge mistake. Trust he knows himself.

In terms of getting over it, tell yourself every day you’re done, you have wonderful children and focus on what is great about now. Don’t indulge in what if’s or imagining another would be perfect.

We were quite keen on having a third child but ended up not doing so. Neither of us regret that decision.

We have 3 - all adults now- and I would say you absolutely have to be totally on the same page. Bringing up kids is hard work, especially combining with WOH and if you're not both completely committed it's enough to really test even a strong relationship .

The thing that swung it for us was having them in quick succession, so it was short term pain (!) - 3 under fives - for the long term benefit of having a brood of children who all grew up through each phase together.

Would I do it in your shoes? Hell no! Even if you fell pregnant tomorrow, you'd have really big age gaps, a 9 and 5 year old settled in school- and then a newborn. In a few years time you'd have a teenager, an upper primary child and you'd still have a pre schooler at home. Of course you'd love and cherish the child, but realistically your lives would probably change a lot, activities would be restricted with those age gaps and then the added expense as well.

Your dh has given valid reasons and I think you need to focus on creating the best life for the family you have rather than yearning for something which in reality could make your family life no more enjoyable than it is now, and potentially a lot harder.

Hi @Mumofboys000 just wanted to say I feel the same . I'm 40 in October and I'm definitely broody . I feel it is related to my age and in some ways I want my two children to be back babies again 🤦🏻‍♀️not a new baby if that makes sense .

my daughter is 2 on sat and I'm sad it's going so fast .

my husband isn't against it as such but financially we would be really stretched .

I just wanted to say I know how it feels

I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd, I'm 41. My partner really didn't want one initially, and it really weighed heavy over us for a couple of years. It ruined our sex life and constantly was the elephant in the room. Pregnancy has been hard, I've felt rubbish throughout and feel guilty on him, and my boys (4&6), I'm absolutely looking forward to the next part, as is my partner, but we're scared and think will all come as a bit of a shock, obviously can't update on the outcome yet, but I definitely know was heart over head for me and there were many more reasons not to do it than to do it! Oh, and it's a boy! I'm honestly overwhelmed and delighted at 3 brothers but absolutely wouldn't have done it if was just about wanting a girl, there's absolutely no guarantee 🤣

It’s been touched on here but I just want to expand on it because I think it’s a subject that is often overlooked when people are planning a baby.

Quite naturally, we all assume that our child will be healthy and everything will be normal hard - especially if the ones who came before were all okay. Our first child is completely healthy, manages well at school etc so it’s just the usual challenges that all parents face.

Our second? She has a number of complex health issues that require round the clock care and she will never live independently. She cannot access mainstream school or childcare provision.

We don’t regret our choices and oh, she brings us so much joy but it has presented challenges and stresses that we didn’t anticipate such as one of us having to give up work, a bigger toll on our relationship, a lack of sleep beyond baby years.

We have got through this and as I say, we wouldn’t change it but I often see that - like us - when people attempt to figure out the logistics of another baby, they are assuming it’ll just be a straightforward path. Which is natural, but if even a healthy baby could present challenges - it’s worth bearing in mind that there are no guarantees.

Thanks @Scorpion84 I sympathise with you and feel free to message me if you want to talk. It’s very hard to deal with but I can see the rational side of the argument too. Hard being a woman isn’t it!! 😭

Thanks for sharing @pinksunglasses That sounds really hard - and you’re right, nothing is certain in this world and this could very realistically happen if we had a third

How did you end up agreeing? Do you feel that his initial reluctance has had an impact on how you raise your third/your relationship? Thanks for sharing your experience, it’s really helpful

We both really appreciate that the 'maybe baby' years are over. I'll be having a tubal tie at caesarean (which I feel weird about tbh, so not sure I'm ever going to be 'done', but am totally sure it's the right decision). He was perhaps different in that he could absolutely see the appeal of 3 older children, and if some of the reasons he had for being reluctant weren't present he would have been keen to proceed. He's very practical and pragmatic, whereas I'm a bit of a do now think later type 😬 Ultimately, we agreed to try with a time frame, and had it not happened he would have gone for a vasectomy, I would actually have been ok with this, it was starting to be too much, and we both needed finality.......just so happens the finality is about to be born!

OP try and look at it another way. You have a good marriage, a good job, and two healthy children Many of us here would literally kill for that.

Why is that not enough? Why put any risk on anything when, frankly, you have already hit the jackpot?

Gratitude for what we already have can go a long way.

If you are nearing 40 then this broodiness could very well all be hormonal. It’s very common for women to suddenly feel like they want a/another baby when they know their time might be running out. Most of us come out the other side feeling very relieved we didn’t go for it. Life just gets easier and easier as your kids will grow up and combining potential menopause symptoms with teens can be hellish.

I think you need to think way past the pregnancy and baby phase as that's such a short portion of time. I have 2 and know I am definitely done but if you don't feel like that it must be hard. I agree with your husband though tbh. At least with 2 you can always deal with 1 each at a time but put 3 in the mix and it just feels chaotic to me. You need to think of the overall impact it would have in terms of housing, car, expenses, holidays etc. I also think if you have 3 then 1 is always left out, in my mind if you have 3 you have to have 4!

Babies are lovely, enjoy a kitten? Far less work than a baby, so lovely cute, cuddly and funny!
Had a cat for years, wonderful creatures

Yup. Three children to get through every milestone. Three children to prepare for school. Three teenagers to prepare for life. Three kids at uni, three house deposits, etc etc.

. I really want to have that pregnancy, birth and baby experience one more time 🙁

But it's not just another baby is it? It's another child, teen, young adult to support. It's years of extra food, clothes, toys, gadgets, driving lessons, Uni costs, housing support. It's extra time, attention, emotional support. And what if your 3rd had a disability or additional needs - would you both cope? How would he/you feel about the impact of all of the above on the 2 children you already have - less money and time to go around.

If your husband says no, it has to be a no. Sorry. Kids deserve to be wanted by both parents. Not resented by one.

@Mumofboys000 it is ok to feel as you do and wish for another baby. I felt the longing for about two years, then it drifted off and didn’t come back. It doesn’t have to be resolved, you just live with the fact you have two and count your blessings of what you do have not what you don’t. And that sounds mean but it is not meant to be, just that it is hard but the feelings will pass.

also I felt that my standards would have really dropped with the third, and that is what my youngest sister and DH said, they were both third children and felt dragged up! So another thing to think about.

His reasons are very valid and I'd stop at 2. I think it's very natural to feel broody during your childbearing years and a lot of it is hormonal and biological urges rather than rational! I was broody for a third but once I reached my mid-40s all broody feelings completely disappeared. Definitely hormonal for me!
I'm so glad we stopped at two. I think two is a lovely number. I can give each child a lot of time and attention. I can have one to one time with each child.
Also now you're thinking about babies and cute little toddlers but think seriously about the teenage years. I'm finding them completely different and quite tough with a lot of worries. The older they become the more serious their problems become and it's very hard as a parent. I really am grateful I don't have to go through it three times!

You also need to consider having 3 teenagers - then the prospect of them living at home into their 20s. I'm with your DH tbh

Had you ever discussed how many children you wanted? It’s so tricky if a couple doesn’t agree, but your husbands reasons are all completely valid and as much as it hurts you may need to respect them.

Kindly, I think you’re mad. His reasons are so sound.

if you want ‘people’ to be kind then you are on the wrong forum - tough
love is what we excel in here
you are broody and have to fight it, otherwise you risk alienating your husband
and sons with your wants