Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

It’s none of your business. I do the same for my son, I buy him a toy every place we go as a small reminder of the day and have done since he was a baby. It’s not spoiling, it’s actually quite nice. It would be different if their child was demanding everything in the shop but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

I wouldn’t go out with them ! Your poor DC !

But they do demand everything, they get everything a child could ever dream of yet they still kick off and tantrum so it doesn’t buy them happiness.

Sorry I’m confused - her children kick off and she just gives in? Is that the issue?

How ridiculous of them. No I wouldn't be doing joint activities with them.

Their family their choice.
Don't hang out with them, you sound judgy.

I've learnt no point in buying overpriced merchandise crap! The ticket for the outing can go into a scrapbook, the souvenirs will be of no interest after and goninto the neverending pile of crap! Maybe a token, but that will also go into the NEPOC! X

I don't think the op is necessarily being judgemental. I think the op is worried about how her DC reacts to her friends buying excessively for their kids. The other children may be overindulged and spoiled but the op can do nothing about this apart from not spending time with them anymore.

Your 6 year old is having screaming tantrums every time this happens?

That's your problem to deal with. Your friend can buy whatever she likes for her children, you need to address your own child's behaviour.

Unfortunately, yes. I love the kids but they’re very spoilt and I just don’t want my DC to have the same expectations. It just makes me sad because we have fun together.

I don't know the answer OP, that would put me off going out with them too.

I would avoid doing things with them as this would grate. But then I never did this kind of thing with friends - days out with just my kids and park days with friends

He’s awaiting assessment for ASD and ADHD.

This. Op is being more judgey towards their friend’s parenting (which is not spoiled in my opinion) rather than addressing her own child’s behaviour and own parenting style OP, out of interest what do you think the long term implications are for your friends children given she ‘spoils’ them?

OP your drip feeding is skewing this whole thread!!

Your children won’t have the same expectations if you make it clear and consistent what they can expect. Conversations beforehand saying ‘an and b’s family buy toys in every shop, that’s their choice. In our family we decide to keep our money for x y and z’. On repeat. Validate their feelings ‘I know it’s really hard seeing other kids get toys when you don’t. It’s ok to be disappointed but when I say no toys today that’s just how it is.’

My DD for years has complained about not getting sweets at playtimes. Sometimes I give them as an occasional treat but no way every day. I have given similar messages about what other people do is up to them but here’s why I don’t let you have sweets every day. She surprised me recently age 8 telling me how she feels I’m a good mum for helping her to stay healthy.

I don't think so particularly. My NT 6yo wouldn't be happy about a friend constantly getting toys she wasn't. She wouldn't be screaming about it but she'd probably sulk and possibly cry. I think most 6yos would notice - they tend to have a very strong sense of fairness!

Can't see any six year old that wouldn't get upset at a friend getting a toy that they weren't.
I don't think YANBU at all. I agree the experience is the treat you don't need to add more onto it . Especially souvenir or merchandise style stuff that will end up thrown in the corner or never make it out of the car!

OP didn’t say in the original post that her child is waiting on an ASD/ADHD assessment. That makes a massive difference.

@Angelsrose OP is being judgemental "buying a crazy amount of toys" the use of word crazy is emotive and used negatively. However it's fine to be judgemental; you should own your actions that's all
Maybe OPs kids are under-indulged? I feel a drip feed coming on

It makes it harder for OP to deal with, but I think most parents of NT DC would be less than happy too is my point.

Buying toys at every single thing you go to is kind of gross and definitely unnecessary regardless of any additional needs in the wider group.

If you spend time with other families there will always be differences- how many vegetables they eat, whether they stay at the table, have manners, drink coke get ice creams or sweets, share toys etc etc etc

I think you just have to be clear with your dc what your rules are and that everybody is not the same.
Obvs that's harder for them if they have asd as fairness is a massive thing to them

I buy my son a toy every time we go to an activity. It’s a reminder of a lovely day. He gets one toy and chooses it himself and it’s a lovely wee round off to the day. What’s wrong with that? No screaming, no crying, one toy, a great day and a wee reminder coming home with us.

I sympathise op. Same issue with my nieces and nephews, if we go anywhere they get gifts from gift shop. My kids don't as I found that wherever we went, all they could think about was gift shop. It took away from the actual activity. So we skip it now. But very awkward when with nieces and nephews and they get gifts. Not much you can do about it. Sorry. It is awkward. I always end up feeling so mean.

I’d stop going out with them. Nothing else you can do. It must be confusing and horrible for your child.