Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

so what happens when dont buy him something. Buying something every activity on a day out sounds ott and spoiling a child

But of course he's never had a meltdown over this @Wtfmothernature !! He gets a toy every time! Why on earth would he have a melt down if he's getting what he wants. Your only way to test this is to not get him a gift one time and see how he responds. Choose a time when you're out with other children who are getting gifts too.

@arethereanyleftatall Why would I unnecessarily ‘test’ the child? I was the one who set the standard and the boundary?? That’s just cruel and confusing to the child!!

Why would it be cruel? You have been saying throughout this thread he enjoys the day perfectly well anyway, and the toy is just a souvenir. So why would it be cruel?

Why would he go on like a spoilt brat when you buy him a new toy every time? How about you stop for the next few times and see how he reacts then (my guess is not well).

Because we’ve set the expectation and the boundary. He knows at the end of the day he’s allowed to pick something. Why would I randomly take that away to test him? He’s a child for god sake.

Would you guys really go into the gift shop and buy your child what they want whilst friend who has less money can’t get anything? I think that’s really poor form. If I was out with another family I’d quietly discuss with them if we were doing gift shop or not. I would never go in and buy my child 4 things whilst friends children had nothing, I’d personally rather they all had one each on me. I used to let my kids buy a small gift at most gift shops but not all, as they are wasteful, they are the thing your child wants most in the world, for 5 mins. It’s no wonder these gift shops do so well when so many parents think it’s fine to spend loads in these places, regardless of whether friends are doing the same. I wouldn’t be going on days out with them that involved gift shops.

Cruel and confusing to not get a gift every time he goes out somewhere… okay then. Definitely not setting unrealistic expectations there at all. I mean it’s totally your choice what you do but you literally are spoiling your child and denying it’s spoiling doesn’t make it so.

Don't understand all the negative responses. If a 6 year old sees another child get a present constantly most would start to want one aswell.

Agree it's completely up to that family but can understand your perspective OP. I have a 7 and 4 year old who would also want a present if they saw similar. The only thing I can suggest is go out with them less often/places that have gift shops.

But you dont have a boundary, the child has been set up to have an expectation and that is cruel.
A toy from the gift shop should be a nice surprise not an expectation.

An adult would be jealous over this, so to expect a 6-year-old to manage their feelings is ridiculous.

It's ultimately not a fun experience for your kid (or you!), so I'd stop going. If you still want to hang out with them, go to the park or the beach or a bike ride and budget for an ice cream at the end as a treat.

Awk wise up. It’s not cruel to say he’s allowed one thing from the gift shop at the end of the trip.

I agree. I can see it’s annoying but I can’t remember my ds ever kicking off when other children were bought something he wasn’t.

It’s not unrealistic? Well in that case I was spoilt. Made 6 figures in my job when I hit 30 this year but must be doing something wrong.

Sorry to hear that @Busby88 , it's complicated the whole do you/don't you thing in childhood and how that impacts you as a young adult.
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Possibly a conclusion to this is that as parents we do have to tackle teaching our kids how to earn money, budget and spend wisely. We can fail our kids by not tackling this by as they grow up. Gift shops are just one of the places.

I wonder how the growth of almost invisible shopping and choices when we order online, will effect children not seeing their parents physically making choices in stores.

You might find that he grows up less resilient than those who are taught to save for things they want and to accept that sometimes you can’t have everything you want all the time. Next time say you’re short on cash and see how he reacts. That will tell you whether or not to adjust your approach.

It's sad that a child cannot go on and enjoy a day out without receiving some overpriced tat as well. Some parents just like wasting their money. It does not set a child up well for the future.

Do you not see how circular your argument is @Wtfmothernature?

What you're doing is by definition spoiling your child, because you are simultaneously saying it would be cruel to withdraw it. If it wasn't an expectation to get something, then it would be fine to withdraw it, because you've said time and time again, it isn't the point of the day. Well withdraw it then. After all it doesn't matter. Or.

I’m surprised by many of the responses here. I agree with you, OP. Buying things in every shop isn’t a good way to bring up kids. It teaches them that they can always have what they want and makes birthdays and Christmas less special.

I don’t want my kids thinking they have to have a toy to have a good time. I also don’t want any more crap in my house. We have enough! We don’t need more ‘reminders’ of days out.
Fair enough if it’s been a trip to Disney or Alton towers or somewhere really special that we don’t go often but not just a local farm etc. My 10 year old notices spoilt kids and comments on it now, thankfully she’s in agreement that having everything makes you spoilt

If you do feel unable to go past a gift shop without buying something, the fridge magnets are a great idea. I know a family that bought a pencil everywhere then framed them as a permanent reminder of where they'd been.

Christmas tree decorations too. We don't get them on days out but get one on every holiday.

Wut? Are you serious?

I think this is a bit weird. The chances are that the child ends up with something they don't want just because they feel under pressure to pick something, even if all that is on offer is a load of tat. Surely if they need a reminder photos are more than enough?

I don’t think it is this massive deal that you say it is- my two are late teen and younger and probably had something quite regularly at irregular trips so a teddy at a Julia Donaldson theatre performance or a train from a steam engine experience for example, believe me my two don’t expect anything now, if anything my sixth former DS is always insisting that I have given him enough money for lunch out or reminds me I gave him a tenner the other day and that’s enough. He buys clothes from vinted or depop (?) he likes to recycle clothes and thinks it’s better for economic and environmental reasons. His childhood one off treats has literally made no difference.