Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

I can understand it’s upsetting for your son, but it’s up to them what they do.

We let our DC buy a souvenir when we go to places like that, but we don’t go to places like that all the time. From our local page it’s clear that some people need to fill every day of the school holidays going to a farm or zoo etc, but to us days out like that are a treat and not a regular occurrence - i.e we’d go to a zoo once a year max. Therefore we don’t see anything wrong with letting them have a memento of the day. They also have pocket money to spend as they choose.

Or maybe they don't actually go on big days out very often and when they do they get their child something as a souvenir or just because (shock horror) they want to??

My son is 4 and he knows he's not getting something every time we go into town or the supermarket and is fine with that most of the time, but if we're at a zoo or similar you bet I'm getting him a cuddly toy because he loves them, plays with them all loads at home and they aren't too expensive. He knows he can only have one and that it can't be a massive one, but he absolutely loves choosing it and bringing him home.

We don't pay for big days out very often so it's a treat. Or we have a free return ticket, so the toy is the only thing we're paying for.

But yeah I guess if someone heard him getting all excited about getting a teddy from the shop "like I did before" they'd probably think I'm some awful, over indulging parent 🙄

He's autistic btw and this is a ritual for him. He'll tell the new teddy all about the house and road it's going to on the way home and give it a tour, same order every time, as soon as we get home.

In answer to the op - it sounds like your friends maybe go a bit overboard but that's their choice. If they can afford it and want to and you can afford it and don't want to, we'll both are fine really but you need to focus on managing your own child not judging the other family.

You can tackle this at six or leave the kid to sort this out via credit card debt in their 20s.
A tale from the future.
We were the scurry past the gift shop family with friends lingering inside.
DD has gone to Uni, budgeted, had a lot of fun and we've been able to fit her stuff in the car for the return journey.
Friends' DD has run up a sizeable overdraft and had to do two trips to bring back most of Oliver Bonas (just a few bits, every time she walked past the shop). She is spending the summer on Vinted downsizing the 'worn once' selection of going out clothes.

Trust me, it's worth getting consumerism in check, you are parenting for the future.

We used to buy a fridge magnet from the places we went with DC. They are still overpriced tat, but usually a few quid- so inexpensive.

Is this something you could compromise on? We made a big deal of it in terms of having a magnet board with their stuff on it (school letters outings , pictures, ... ). Again, they didn't end up forgotten in a corner 3 days later.

Leave earlier than them, simple
Get an ice cream or something on way home for a one on one treat with DC as a way to get out early unscathed if needed
and be sure to explain to DC why you choose not to buy stuff, the effects of spoiled kids etc

Ha, all these replies from parents who insist on buying a “souvenir”. As if your kid wants, needs or understands the concept of a souvenir. And no it’s not for you either as it will get lost, smashed and forgotten about within 5 mins. It’s entirely about you not wanting to fight your kids and have them kick if in public, so you buy them endless crap. At least admit it.

Speak for your own kids. Mine are older than OP’s, don’t fight with us when we say no to things and treat their belongings with respect. And as I said, we don’t go to these types of places often which makes a big difference.

I think this is unfair. There are people who take joy in their children having mementos. We still have the large giraffe we bought in the gift shop after DC1's first zoo visit. I agree it's not environmentally friendly taken to extremes, but I disagree that it's necessarily lazy parenting. Some adults collect "stuff", some don't, and this must follow through to their families.

Hi supernanny @Jennyathemall. My son has been getting little souvenirs from he was no age so he grasps the concept, I started and set the expectation. We always have a lovely day with a little treat at the end. Again, it’s really interesting that those who don’t do this are very quick to get personal and criticise parenting and say it’s for ‘x reasons’ when parents who do it have very clearly explained it is not for the reasons of wanting to avoid a meltdown etc.

I'm not sure I have any advice, but I agree with you. They are spoiling their children. More importantly, it's really environmentally unfriendly to keep buying stuff. The memories and the experience in themselves are the treat. That, in itself, should be enough. What message is your friend sending to her children by encouraging rampant consumerism?

Honestly, these people are friends - use your words!

It is none of your business how she parents or what her child gets so totally avoid that. Something really simple like next time she suggests meeting up -

‘Would love to see you, but let’s go to X park. Child Y’s reaction when you buy A and B things is not fun, and I don’t want to cause resentment between the kids, so would prefer to avoid places with gift shops’.

It will go one of two ways - she will either say ‘ok great’, or she will say ‘oh I really didn’t realise it was causing such an issue, we can just agree on no toys!’

If your child is undergoing assessments for ASD, is it possible that she doesn’t really equate the meltdowns with the spending, as he’s having them over other things too?

I can’t really comprehend a genuine scenario where a friend actively watches her friend’s child wail in distress over something her child gets and their child doesn’t without actually addressing it with their friend at the time…

You both have different approaches and each are fine. If it’s causing you issues then just don’t go out with them. Their choice isn’t wrong and neither is yours, we all just parent differently.

I got over this by giving pocket money to my child.
You tell them they have say £50 over the week away. That if they want something in the shop for £7 then they can buy each time but once the money is gone, there will be no top ups. It can be used for treats like ice cream or toys.

You can then ask if they are sure they want the £45 toy on day one as they will not becable to buy much else on the visit...
That way you tell say but you spent it on x... and your not on the hook for saying no.

Only because they don’t need to demand. it happens anyway!

A new toy every time? Multiple times a day? That’s fucking madness.

you sound very bitter. Also, who said multiple times a day? 😂 if we go to the zoo we get a toy or the aquarium or a local farming show etc. not every single confectionery shop for god sake. I’m young but I’m not up for doing all those events in one day!

I disagree with this. We were never allowed souvenirs or treats etc as a kid. I left uni with a huge overdraft and afterwards wracked up credit card debt. I’m not saying the two are linked, but one doesn’t automatically lead to the other.

I can understand this is difficult. Most young children, NT and ND have an innate sense of fairness so if your friends children always get loads of toys and your DC never gets anything that will lead to meltdowns until he/she is older.

I think you need to weigh up whether you all enjoy the days out together and this is the only issue or whether you both just have completely different parenting styles and doing something at home or in a local park would be better without them flashing their cash everywhere and you do not need to see your DC upset. I agree that buying at gift shops every time you go somewhere is not great for the planet and inclined to set the child up for expecting something every time you go somewhere. My DD has 2 ND children and usually sets expectations like we are not doing the gift shop today or sets a small limit and just one gift which is something we do when we go out with our GC. A pencil or rubber or book doesn't cost a lot.

In the end it might be better not going to these places with them.

I started saying my dc could spend what they liked in the gift shop but it was with their own pocket money, or occasionally with some money I had given them on the day, It was very rare they bought any tat after that, they were very quick to prioritise other spending and not waste money on yet another cuddly toy.

For them the gift was getting to go to the place rather than something they had bought. Their memories didn't need to be a triggered by a gift, they remembered the fun they had had or something that they had seen or done.

Stop justifying being a stingy parent 😂

Yes it is spoiling to buy your son a toy for every thing you go to. Not saying you can’t do it but you’re teaching him to expect something over and above the day out.

Not sure why the OP is getting such a hard time on this one. I agree that I would be uncomfortable with a friend's children receiving so many toys/items if this approach wasn't followed by me too.

Maybe agree that each child has £x to spend each trip to ensure things are fair and to help with budgetting etc?

@Feelsodrained if it went on like a spoiled brat I would agree but he doesn’t. He can choose one toy at the end of a trip. We have that boundary in place and he’s never had a meltdown once. That’s not over and above, it’s just our norm.

I don't think it sounds judgy at all. We live in such a consumerist world, many will undertake your frustration. And it's always difficult trying to explain to your own child why they won't be doing/getting the same as X. If thry genuinely are friends you want to continue seeing, arrange days where it's not in a commercial place - nice gardens, parks, your homes, to limit the issue.

If you're not great friends, just reduce the interaction. We've done that over a similar issue - and neither set of parents are wrong or right, we all parent differently but you and your child being haply and relaxed on a day out is most important for you.

It also does depend on the frequency of the big days out, which hasn't really been factored in on this thread.

If going to the zoo is a once monthly day out then getting a treat at the end is a world away from the kids who are doing these days out every day.

Well you will never be able to control someone else's parenting so looks like you will just have to drop them in the future.