Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

I remember CowboyJoanna from another thread. Up until Christmas 23, the boy (age 10) didn't even get Birthday presents.
As he was already getting gifts at Christmas and didn't need anything else.

It took a few posters to point out Birthday gifts weren't "extra" gifts they were Birthday gifts keeping him equal with his sisters with summer birthday's.

We don't know their financial situation but it seems very weird.

I hope @CowboyJoanna is fake. That's horrendous.

We're not made of money (a working class family in the North West) and I don't particularly want to spend money on cheap crappy toys that'll end up collecting dust after a couple of weeks. I hate materialism and greed in all forms so we only buy the kids toys on special occassions and we want the kids to really value what presents and treats they DO get from us.

I am completely ashamed of lumping my sons christmas and birthday presents together for the past 9 years, but last year for his 10th and all Decembers going forward he will have both even if it did mean cutting down on the girls' presents.

Just to clarify for people who think we are grim, we still treat the children throughout the year...but not to toys. We take them out on trips to the pictures, swimming baths, zoo, aquarium, even kayaking! While they're out I'll often treat them to an ice cream or a slushie or something but NEVER step foot in the gift shop
The days out themselves arent necessarily cheap but the children enjoy the experiences and I think appreciate them a lot more than they would material things

My 12 year old son has ADHD and my daughter is 5, and we are watching her.
we do not buy them gifts each time we are away. Not even ‘souvenir's’ on holiday, as I think they’re nearly always a waste of money.

my children have been told I advance that they won’t be getting stuff because in our home, those are the rules. They see that their cousins or friends have different rules. As they get older, they see the sense. My older one never kicked off with tantrums, about this subject but my daughter does do the whole, ‘it’s not fair’ thing and eventually gets over it.

I agree. You are being affected by the wrong thing. It’s your friends business on how she raises her kids. I think that you should focus on teaching your kids regulation, given their challenges.

if your values don’t match with these friends, then choose what you do with them, accordingly? Yes to a picnic or strawberry picking or playground date, no to indulgent outings?

The best thing all round would be to hang out with them less. Go some expensive days out now and again and be prepared to indulge if you fancy a nice time for you and your kids with this company. Hang out with your other less indulgent friends more frequently. Everyone wins!

While you have taken a moral approach, it’s a bit shitty for a kid (ASD or not! ) to see other kids getting tonnes and them getting nothing. I’d be upset to watch it unfold tbh. Plenty of other opportunities to teach your kids values. Relax a little on your special days out especially if you can afford a toy or two now and again x

ps when your kids are old enough introduce pocket money and let them make wise choices, you’ll soon find they not waste their money on plastic tat x

I don't think it's spoilt to get a souvenir if you go out somewhere tbh

When you go out with this family, could you plan in advance and wrap up a small party bag, type toy to give to him at the end?

We had this exact same issue whenever we went out with my Sister, her kids had endless toys and souvenirs and mine didn't. I simply couldn't afford it. Mine wouldn't have tantrums but they did used to get upset.
I bought a huge scrapbook and everywhere we went we would buy a couple of postcards, we would stick in tickets, brochures, photos, a flamingo feather from the zoo, pressed flowers, a signed napkin from an actor in a show we saw, train tickets etc...My kids were so focused on finding things for the scrapbook they weren't really bothered about the gift shop tat.
They are grown up now but the scrapbook comes out every so often and they still love looking at it. It prompts so many memories and laughs. I'm sure my niece and nephews don't own one single item that they demanded all those years ago.

I am in my 40s and have a very clear memory in my head of when I was younger. my cousin got everything he wanted everytime we went somewhere on a day out hot a toy we didn't as we didn't have much money. they were more wealthier. then unfortunately his father lost his high paying job and waa struggling to find work. mother was only working part time. really really struggled then money wise. was on a trip to the zoo ( which I found out after my mother paid for all entrance tickets) got to the gift shop he wanted something she said no. kept on about it she said no and explained I have m money. he was about 11 actually had a massive tantrum there and then. lay on the floor screaming blue bloody murder that he wanted the toy. it took his mother and my own to lift him off the floor and carry him out of the shop . there was no talking or calming him down whatsoever. that was over 30 years ago but can still remember it. everyone staring at us. they really struggled years after with him no matter how hard they explained things to him

Sorry I’m going to just say it. Can’t stand that gentle parenting bullshit. U spent your hard earned money giving your kids a valuable experience and day out. Those parents are just muppets for giving into their kids every whim and unable to discipline at all. Please stay away from such moron parents. I understand they are amazing apart from being doormat parents but parenting style is a real issue in this day and age. Stay away!

Bluntly put but absolutely spot on. Preferably before each trip.

The gift shop always featured in our days out..with my sons and then my grandsons. It was their favourite part of the day. Along with eating in the cafe. They didn’t kick off, or throw tantrums and didn’t always get their first choice if it was super expensive. Usually it was something small, a rubber snake or dinosaur or a toy car. A wee memento. Why would it be spoiling them? Even my narc mother bought us a memento in a gift shop on days out. I particularly remember a doll..soldier in a kilt. , a glass swan I’d watched getting made, a jet stone in a ring, also watched being made. Maybe it was only a stick of rock. It’s part of the treat day out. Why on earth would you let your kid go without and cry? How mean can you get?

To get round this we started buying magnets at every place we visit. They cover our fridge and bring back lots of memories. When we go places now our oldest still ask to get one even though they are 18.

It's better to learn early on that life is full of disappointments and we can't have everything we want, so that its not so much of a shock when you are older.

If these kid's favourite part of the day was stuffing their faces and getting more stuff it doesn't say much for the day out.

Why bother with days out at all. Stay at home, order in take-away and buy stuff off the internet. It makes more sense than travelling somewhere and paying to go in.

When I was a kid the saying was "I want, never gets" and it was meant.

If I'd behaved like this, chucking a tanty because I wanted some cheap tat, the only thing I would have got would have been a thick ear. And as for throwing themselves on the ground and screaming, if I'd tried that my parents would have walked off and left me.

Most of these "souvenirs/cheap plastic toys" are made in China, in sweat shops, then transported here on huge container ships, sold for a ridiculous profit and are then discarded as soon as the novelty wears off (a few weeks or a couple of months) before they are on to the next must have item. The environmental damage in production, transportation and landfill is unnecessary and is just another by-product of the consumer led throw away society in which we live.

This thread has now got quite judgy about those who don't buy stuff at the gift shop. "Mean", "distressing" etc. Different families do things differently cuts both ways.

@DearDenimEagle

that’s a bit sad that buying stuff and eating were the best parts of their day out! Id feel a bit like I’d wasted my money on the day out.

@Saplingthing I had a lot of success with longer term saving. We would print out a picture of the item being saved for and a barchart in £1 increments to be coloured in as the money was saved. The money went in a jar with a picture of the item sellotaped to it.

A visit to a gift shop then became a discussion of whether they wanted a couple of quid to spend in the shop or add to the jar instead. It was almost guaranteed that they would decide to save the money instead.

Giving dc the freedom to spend money how they wish leads to an early understanding of the value of what they are buying IME.

@Isthisreasonable that sounds like a great idea

It’s quite ironic really that the other kids are the ones being called spoilt but actually the problem is OP’s son demanding and then tantruming.

Read the thread!

I honestly believe there is a happy medium somewhere.

But I do believe (if parents can afford it) that it's good for kids to have pocket money that can be saved for something big, spent on ice-cream, magazines or whatever they fancy.

But one of the best places I've been had a gift shop and a pocket money shop, nothing more than a fiver.

@padsi1975 My kids don't as I found that wherever we went, all they could think about was gift shop. It took away from the actual activity.

Exactly this!

You are being so unkind. I can afford to get my kids toys at every shop, but I won't. Buying more and more stuff doesn't make you a better parent.

I really love this idea!