Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

Don’t go out with them.

It’s not spoiling kids buying them a gift from a gift shop.

Your issue is you can’t afford it and your child kicks off. In future this is your time to bid a quick farewell and leave. The gift shops are always at the end of the activity so will be easy for you to go.

Really?? You get a toy every time you go out for the day?
OP I’m with you it’s ludicrous. Days out are already expensive and a toy that will be lost/forgotten within days just feels pointless. I very rarely get DC a toy on a day out, they know this and don’t expect one. However if they have money (eg post birthday) or I’m feeling generous sometimes I will and it’s an extra treat rather than an expectation.

If you can afford it, you're being incredibly mean to not allow your 6-year-old a gift shop toy when their friends are getting one. It doesn't actually teach them anything except that their friends have nicer parents. 🤷‍♀️

Wow I am still surprised people actively choose to buy something everywhere they go.

We could afford it but we've taught ours the just because you can does mean you should and to be thoughtful about what they spend money on. I don't want them buying something everywhere they go and the mindset that teachers for older life.

Its not often on mumsnet I'm surprised at other people's choices but here I understand the kids spending pocket money sometimes or the occasional day out treat but pretty much every time you go is a parenting choice I must admit i didn't think I'd find on here! (no wider people do the 4 gifts for Xmas thing if they already have a roomful of tat!)

I would assume the parents buying something everywhere just hadn't put the effort into teaching their kids and were going for an easy life!

And OP I'd stick to your guns. Maybe meet up with them at neutral places like a pp suggested. Parks and playgrounds. Then when you do do the sort of place with a gift shop prime them with "we will have £x" to spend in the gift shop and they can join in. Just don't go there every week!!!

(I'm now wondering if the "gift every time" peoples kids end up buying a gift on every ride at theme parks where lots of the rides exit a gift shop. I genuinely can't imagine willing teaching the kid that every time they go to a gift shop they "buy something"!)

Oh please.

Just because you can afford it, doesn't mean you should. I sometimes get my child something from a gift shop but not every time, because it simply teaches them to expect it every time. Not healthy behaviour in my opinion.

It worries me you consider someone a 'nicer parent' because they do this.

We visit a lot of zoos and animal parks. First trip they chose a soft toy - rule is it has to be an animal you have actually seen there... No bloody unicorn or dinosaurs.. Repeat visits they are reminded they have a toy from here!! Ice cream out and the picnic are the treat for us! No tantrums ever passing through the gift shop to exit is the scam....

My kids know that I’m happy to buy a pencil or similar if we go to these places but they ain’t getting a bloody soft toy for 12 quid! I suppose as children get older they understand the situation and the tantrums get less.

I’m wondering whether you could be a bit more inventive in future by keeping a bag of unseen/purchased elsewhere stuff at home in a high cupboard and take along said item on these days outs. Then you could produce the item from your bag at just the right time as a treat/distraction device.

Yes we've taught them about the scam that is giftsshops at exits and about marketting and making you want something "in the moment"!

They do still have toy animals from wildlife park visits etc but we went to a local farm every week and no way we're we buying something regularly. In summer we go lots of places and similarly don't come home with bits from everywhere! I'm still so surprised people admit to just buying "stuff" or even worse think it's what "nice" parents do. I think we'd probably have a parenting clash there!

We are very comfortable, but there is no way I’d buy my children a toy every time we pass through a gift shop! I say “it’s not your birthday, so we’re not getting a gift”. They do get to spend their pocket / bday / Christmas money if they really want to, but more often than not they don’t when given that choice! I buy them ice-cream / cake, and that’s the extra treat.

Also, having binned bag fulls of the stuff (that’s broken / can’t go to charity shop), I’ve realised most of the rubbish is a massive waste.

I aslo have a massive issue with all the tat they bring home in party bags, most of which also ends up quickly broken and destined for landfill. Yesterday, child 1 came home with a yoyo, frisbee, balloons, bubbles, and plastic toys from party, all dumped around the house already- completely unnecessary to have more than a piece of cake and some sweets!

Have a word with friends when the children aren’t there, and if that doesn’t work stop going to these places with them!

I’m one of the parents that likes to avoid the gift shop. My DC could take or leave any day out, but are in heaven in the gift shop with all the overpriced tat. So we’ve scaled it back hugely. Every summer there are threads about how expensive days out are with kids. This must be one of the reasons why if you need to add an expensive toy for each child every time you go somewhere. My DC love gift shops and acquiring new stuff, but it’s sadly ignored as soon as we get home. I was also very materialistic as a child so I don’t blame them, I used to find National Trust places so boring and longed for the gift shop (but was always disappointed). Even the little key rings and stuff add up to getting a load of extra stuff you don’t need over a year. I would stand firm OP, you’re avoiding a bigger problem by moderating this now.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised but it's quite sad in my opinion that grown adults, parents themselves, feel that constantly buying gifts makes someone a "nicer" parent.
I can only assume that such parents grew up themselves in an emotionally and financially poor environment.

I have had great success with a tip from here, which is taking a photo of the item that the child wants in the gift shop ‘for Christmas’. It has a 100% success rate for avoiding upset here, from about age 6 onwards, and is also helpful for stocking fillers.

My DC are also very keen on the environment, so I have been known to say that everyone having so much stuff is bad for the environment 😳.

Have faith in your own parenting and choices, yes the other children always having what they want will seem unfair to your child - but you're not giving into tantrums and rewarding the tantrums with toys - which is great parenting and helps to teach resilience in the long term.

Hard for your child to see other children get a toy while throwing a wobbler but you can keep explaining - 'other families can do what they like but we don't need any more stuff and mummy will not buy you stuff when you scream/shout/cry, that isn't how we behave' then distract/change subject

My sister is exactly the same. She will. Let her son have whatever he wants from the gift shop. I give a budget, and explain that I can't afford more. If your child isn't understanding that, then I wouldn't go out with them until your child's old enough to understand.

I think Theres a happy middle ground to be had here
You both sound at the extreme
Why can your son not sometimes have have a gift from the gift shop
If you are saying he's nurodivergent that's even more reason to accept he won't always understand why he can't have a toy
I remember days out ,and the best bit as a child is always a mooch round the gift shop ..
Your stopping him even going in .
You can't change how your friend parents
But you can change how you do

I love buying gifts for my children! That’s how I like to spend my money - taking them for days out and buying them lovely things. What’s wrong with that? Just because you don’t like to buy your child things, other parents should stop? Just don’t go into the gift shop when she does, simple. If you can’t respect that parents are different then maybe you can stop hanging out with her, and find someone exactly like yourself.

Surely the day out is the treat? You don’t need to give into your little darling’s demands for some gift shop tat you know! You’re raising spoilt brats if you do. And contributing to landfill. It’s weak parenting.

It’s insane the amount of people who are critical of people’s parernting just because it differs from their own. My mum brought us up the same way I bring up my son (get a toy on a day out) and we turned out fine ffs.

@Wtfmothernature

What's wrong with it is that the gift shop will become the focal point of the day out for a child, if it's not already. The child will rush through the whole day to get to his present.

I'd keep a good ear out when your dc describes his day to say his dad.

'Did you enjoy the zoo Bob?'

Is the answer
'Yes, I got this this toy'
Or is it
'Yes, we saw the elephants, they were massive.'

As i said in earlier posts…they are not mutually exclusive. Children can say both and appreciate both. Speaking from experience.

This. Do what works for your family. If you have fun with them and enjoy their company, just leave slightly earlier/later.

Their kids, their rules, but personally I think it's a bit inconsiderate of the parents. We've had a rule since my DC were very small that we don't flaunt our treats in front of our friends if they're not having the same. I would usually buy my DC an ice-cream and I occasionally buy them a gift if it's the first time we've been to a place, but there would be no ice-cream if the friends we were with weren't having one, and if I was really set on buying them a memento, we'd slip away quietly during the day and it would go in my bag until we'd left. Like your friends, we often go out with a family who don't ever do ice cream or gifts, and I just explain that we don't want to make our friends "sad" because it's normal to want what others have.

Tell him at home before the outing that there is no toy at the end. Make it very clear so the expectation is there.

alternatively give him a budget of £2 each time.