Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

I think I'd try to avoid leaving places at the same time as them.
Or give your LO pocket money and any gift shop tat comes out their money - but I thought you were saving for x toy in smyths

@Martymcfly24 yes I do similar. It’s amazing how much more careful they are when it’s their own money 😆

No it's not the main contributor but if every parent starts doing that, we will definitely be adding a lot of landfill to the planet.

People parent differently. You do you. Children enjoy outings and if parents choose to let them go to a gift shop and buy things that’s up to them. It a reminder of the day for some children.

We personally have shelves full of reminders of days out but this is MN where people don’t like “tat”. A wooden toy and an apple at Christmas is enough for some posters.🙄

Oh gosh where do they put all the stuff they buy?!! That’s my problem- I dread shops at the end of a nice family day out as I can guarantee that giraffe umbrella is forgotten about 5 mins after they leave the zoo 🤣 I just hate stuff .

Id probably not hang out with them if it upsets your children. I can see why it does, doesn’t mean they or you are wrong but it can upset kids as they don’t understand. I wouldn’t buy my kids stuff as I see it as tat and as soon as we leave the shop they move on to something else - it’s very short lived x

Your spoilt brats get an ice cream when you go out? Mine pick the chewing gum off benches and are grateful for it.

This.

The only other solution I can think of is to ask them to help you out to avoid tantrums...

"Friends, I love our days out with the kids but I'm going to have to step back from big venues until I get things sorted with DS. I'm trying to break the pattern with him becoming so distressed when he can't understand that his friends are getting toys etc and he isn't. He doesn't understand about finances and how I just can't afford everything he wants. If you've any suggestions of where we could go that doesn't have a gift/toy shop involved then please let me know. Or if we could have a code word when it's gift shop time so I can scoot him away before he kicks off that would be great...how about, "Swollenandgrouchy isn't it about time for some gin!" lol...I love him but this part of parenting is hard!"

Regardless of what is being purchased for friends kids by friends for me it's this;

Your DC is having a nice day out and then it's ruined at the end for your dc because of your dc seeing their friends choose new toys EVERY time.
That's crap op.
You are putting your child in this situation. At 6 of course it will make them upset.

You need to look at it all and think is it you or your dc who is wanting/ liking these activities out with this friend?
Are her dc so so lovely (you've not made them sound that way) that you want your dc to be with them a lot?

I have a great friend and we were friends for years and had our firsts at similar times and we used to meet up all the time. Then when they were about 5/6 I noticed my dc was not getting anything out of 2 consecutive play dates. My friends dc would go off and find other friends and when he did play with my dc he would want to wrestle him and roll all over the floor whereas my dc isn't into that at all. My friend didn't see a problem in that hers liked to make friends and wrestle like daddy taught him to - maybe there wasn't a massive issue but my dc wasn't benefitting from these play dates (I loved seeing my friend).
I wasn't brave enough to say the truth but we had a break from meeting up for about 5 months.
The first time we met again and every time since, it's been great. My friends dc has calmed (probably helped by school influence) and they seemed happy to see each other after a break.

Maybe a break would help your poor dc?

Imagine going out for a meal with the same friends every week and being told by the restaurant manager they you can't have dessert but your friends can- then every week have to watch them enjoying every mouthful and listen to their comments about the good taste.
This is the intensity for your DC.

Your child is just about at the age where they can understand different rules in different households. There are times when you will be the excessive household and times when you are the strict ones. I understand the challenges of having a nd child - we have one with asd and a strongly entrenched sense of justice. In advance I would prep her with expectations (we will go to the zoo, we will have an ice cream, we will not get anything from the gift shop) and there would likely still be some grumbling, but far less likely to meltdown if I have set expectations in advance.

it would be a shame to abandon a friendship that on other levels is really enjoyable. Ultimately people make different parenting decisions and restricting yourselves to families with identical practices seems a bit limiting.

I take a similar view to merchandise as you and never buy random stuff, but in our family we traditionally get an ice cream on days out. My children probably show a fair bit of entitlement towards ice cream and don’t appreciate it nearly as much as they should. I see it as a nice treat and a helpful way to introduce routine - often we use it to signal an end to the family outing - but fully appreciate that others might find it excessive. I wouldn’t agonise about how that routine might affect other children unless it was raised as an issue. In that case I would be open to solutions that worked for everyone, such as agreeing that friend would leave early before I offered ice cream to dc.

You can't control how they parent. All you can do is stop going on days out with them.

Unfortunately your child having potential ASD doesn’t come into it, and I say this a mum of two sons with autism & one with ADHD too. You can’t do anything about how someone else treats their own kids, only manage your own or how you manage their behaviours/disability. In this instance if it was me & my boys I’d have to cut down on the socialising with them at least until my kids had a better capability of understanding why another kid has been bought something but not them. I know how hard it is to step away when it’s a family you get on with so well, especially when it’s likely you lose friendships when you have a child with additional needs. However your child has to take priority & if they are having meltdowns because they aren’t getting what another child is getting then that’s something that needs to be worked on. We’ve had to adapt our parenting & what we do/don’t do so much to ensure our child’s needs were being met & that has meant taking a step back for a few years with some people/activities then coming back into social situations when our kids were able to cope better or had gained a higher level of understanding. You can’t change how the other family behave, all you can do it change how your own behaviour in whatever way you think is best

How about starting a little book for him?
You write beforehand 'today we went to... and he has to fill in or remember, on the way home.
'My favourite thing at.... was....'

Then you could stick a photo of him underneath.
, and he has a unique reminder of his trips out, and a distraction. Hopefully.

When mine were this age I used a pocket money app, you pay in their weekly sum - I think I did half their age or similar. So you set it up to add $2/3 a week into the 'kitty'.

Then once it has built up a bit and they ask for something in a shop, you can show them how much money they have 'saved' in the app and ask them if they want to spend that.

I found at first they blew the lot then were annoyed two hours later when they realized they were not that bothered about the item. they learned to think twice about spending their money so quickly. It also helped them think about saving long term for something they really want vs 'wasting' money on impulsive purchases.

It really helped as you don't have be the 'no' person and they get control of the situation.

It is really hard and I did have similar when mine were young. Unfortunately I couldn't afford the day out and gift shop tat.

We always chose a magnet or pin badge from each place, often under £3. That usually distracted them long enough.

Or if I knew friends would be buying gift shop tat, I would bring something I had already bought from poundland or a charity shop to give them on the way home (cuddly toy, animal or current favourite tv show figure, book or sticker book).

I did explain to dds that I could afford more fun days out if we didn't buy gift shop stuff. My eldest accepted and understood whereas dd2 struggled more with it. She needed me to explain beforehand so she didn't expect anything.

What’s wrong with it is, unless you go on days out very infrequently, no one needs that much stuff.

Very well said.

Would your DC be responsive to a chat before hand, that friends DCs will go to the shop at the end and you won’t be able to but you will Abel able to do XX thing on another day so remember that’s there to look forward to.

👏

You can do whatever you like but I personally wouldn’t do it as it sends the message you get something every time you go out. It isn’t really a reminder of a good day- it’s just a piece of tat that provides instant gratification.

if we went for a day out at a farm or zoo that had a gift shop then I would let my dc choose something each to take home. But we only did this type of trip two or three times a year including things like the cinema or theatre. If I was doing it every week then I wouldn’t.

The child is 6! It's developmentally normal to have a really strong sense of justice at this age, and to get upset when they miss out on something .

I can be a bit spendy at times, but I'm careful to not overspend on things and make things unfair for my friends' kids when I'm out with them.

Tricky one. You either have days out without them or you have a word. With the 'have a word' option it could go two ways, they could either realise they're spoiling their kids and stop, or they could be self righteous twats and question why you have the authority to challenge their choice to gift their kids what they want. Either way you have to deal with the outcome. If it makes you feel better i personally think you're the better parent. As they say in Jurassic Park, it's not about whether you can but whether you should....

I do the same I'm afraid.

When I take DD (8) out on trips I will always buy her something from the gift shop as a momento. She gets whatever she wants in general and if I don't buy it, grandad won't think twice to purchase it instead.

However, she is an incredibly polite and grateful little girl (I always get teachers and her friends parents telling me how polite she is and how lovely her manners are), and if she started showing signs of being spoilt, throwing screaming tantrums etc she wouldn't be getting a thing.

You're in a bit of a tricky situation. If you enjoy going out with them your DC is going to see the children getting gifts, and it's super unfair on him to witness that when he knows you're not going to get him something - so unless you start leaving the trips early, before they get to the gift shop, you're going to have to deal with the tears.

Could you not just buy him a little something, just so he feels included?

This post alone is judgy.

Their behaviour is for their parents to deal with, as is whether they get presents or not, and how many they get.

Your issue is your son's behaviour. The best way to deal with this is to leave the activity early, before they get to the gift shop.
You also need to try and address your DCs screaming tantrums anyway, there's going to be plenty of times when his friends get something he can't have and he can't scream every time. Maybe they feel the same way about when your son is having a meltdown.

How does he act at birthday parties when the birthday child gets gifts? Is it the same?

I don't think there is any needs to stop meeting up, just to chose to meet up where there is no gift shop. There is lots of fun options like playgrounds, woodlands, swimming, soft play, climbing walls, skate parks etc. This would avoid the issue completely