Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

We used to bring my nan a magnet back from every holiday! She took them with her when she went into a care home and we got her a white board to put them up, she'd tell the staff all about them (repeatedly 🤣) When she passed away a few years ago I took them home and am still adding to them now after trips away!

Lol yeah because they other side aren't being judgy at all??

"Moron parents" raising "brats" who will obviously struggle with everything in life and are ruining the environment and all because (in many many of the cases stated on here) they buy a little teddy or a car from a gift shop every few months 🙄

@Creamteasandbumblebees that's so lovely. I wish I'd done that when mine were small.

Getting things doesn’t make a child spoilt, their reaction to not getting things does. It sounds like your children are more spoilt tbh.

They’re just a different family to yours, Id agree you shouldn’t go out with them

For his sake, I really hope he isn’t neurodivergent in this neurotypical world. Thanks for your concern and empathy. I hope you never work or live with anyone with disabilities, they’re all obviously faking it. I’m glad my school’s SENCO teacher has been kind, supportive and understanding rather than ableist like you.

What do you mean "of course he is"? do you know OP's son personally, Becki?
Maybe take your judgy pants off

Your son will be fine, Sapling. He has you on his side to help him through the moments of dysregulation whether they're caused by ASD / ADHD or not. If he does have ASD I am sure he will grow into an awesome autistic adult.

And at moments of stress, you can always remind yourself that things could be much worse - at least he's not a mean-spirited little troll who hides their own poor self-esteem in being superior about ND children on the internet. That really would be a tragedy.

@BeckiBoBecki I don't really agree with the op's attitude to her friend simply parenting differently, but that comment was really really uncalled for and, quite frankly just ignorant and rude.

Does your child earn or get given pocket money yet? Could you get him to save up for these trips? I mean maybe that way he could learn about saving, but also then go spend HIS money?

Before you call the friendship off….

If your son is ND, how does his friendship work with your friends children? I ask because putting toys aside, children having friends outside of school is such a positive. Children who are ND often struggle socially so if he has a friend outside of school who he has a true friendship with, the benefits of this to him will be huge. Confidence, security, refuge from school if it is tough etc.

In which case the cost v benefits analysis is far more than a tantrum/toy/day out scenario. It’s your son’s mental health from the friendships he has too.

If he is also ND he will have to learn to cope in a ‘typical’ world too, so whilst this is a tough lesson, once perhaps worth persevering with. Try the chat before leaving, remind him again during the day and before the shop. The reminders will help with coping when the reality of not getting the same toy actually occurs.

can you also head off to the car when they go into the gift shop? If you see them frequently can you also maybe shift his focus and introduce a reward chart for you so he has a target to earn toys associated with good behaviour or learning new tasks, so when you say ‘no toy’ on the day out, that is also reinforced with “but you’re 3 more stars off earning X/Y/Z”. The star chart works amazingly with my son to get him to tidy his room, do his school work every day, tidying shoes away and not leaving them in the hall etc. it’s really trivial the toy he gets - Pokemon cards or super things toy. For a week or two of excellent behaviour or education learning it’s a great price to pay! This could help a detractor for instant gratifications of gift shops as they know a toy is still coming…

Personally I wouldn’t end the friendship, you obviously do get along and hopefully it’ll be a phase. You have some options though!
> Pocket Money (https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2018/04/16/when-and-how-should-you-handle-pocket-money/), if our son sees something he wants I ask if he has his money, if not I’ll ask if he wants me to take a photo with the price so that he can save up for it next time. You can also discuss what he might want to buy in advance. Sometimes there are feelings about not being able to buy something but having such a clear structure has been so helpful and our son feels very in control of his £10/month.
> Do something different - can you meet at a park or in the woods with a picnic? You could discuss the rationale with other family “can we go somewhere without a shop to try to minimise meltdowns?” Could you take it in turns to do the picnic so everyone has the same?
> Think about it differently- yes all the tantrums are a pain but 1/ all the kids are learning valuable lessons about having different values / inequality / making tricky choices and 2/ sometimes the tantrum isn’t about the thing, especially at the end of big day we’ll get a tantrum and will just acknowledge feelings and say to DP “it’s not about ‘the toy’, it’s about being tired and saying goodbye and the mental load.

Please dont quote Sarah Ockwell Smith, she is quack who completely cherry picks research!

This is lovely.

@Saplingthing
I haven't read all the responses, but I'm a bit shocked by people suggesting to stop spending time with them.
According to your post, the parents are your friend. Can you just talk to them?