Friend’s spoilt children

[Saplingthing]

Name change because it’s potentially outing.

We’ve had a nice weekend away with friends, lots of activities and sightseeing but I struggle with how much stuff they buy for their DC. We can’t do any activity without them buying a crazy amount of toys. We visit a petting farm, they get a toy, we visit a museum, they get a toy, we go to a concert, they spend £150 on merchandise. To me the days out are the treats but their DC get multiple new toys each day. I could afford to do it but I honestly don’t want my DC to expect a new toy every time we leave the house so it’s a constant drama at the end of every activity, their DC get new toys and mine doesn’t. It causes so many tantrums, I’m comfortable saying no to my DC (aged 6) but we still get screaming tantrums in public every time I say no and their DC come out with their newest purchase. We really enjoy spending time with them but how can I get around this?! Today I whisked DC away from a gift shop so he wouldn’t know what he’s missing but he cried his eyes out knowing they were getting another toy and he was getting nothing. It puts a huge dampener on every outing with them.

But they are spoilt, it’s not me being judgy. Their children got 4 items each at a concert last night, my DC got 1 (because I’m not a complete ogre). Their children then both cried because they wanted what my DC had as well as their 4 items.

Surely this is just an example of different parents doing different things? They aren’t doing anything wrong, neither are you - but if it’s not working for your children then stop going on outings with them. It’s not fair to expect them to change their parenting because you are doing something different.

For me the problem is the sheer volume of stuff - mine pretty much just get toys on their birthdays and at Christmas and we're overrun. I can't imagine adding to it. I also prefer to focus on the experience than bringing something material home, I wouldn't want to create an association between "stuff" and "enjoyment".

(But then I'm all for an ice-cream or bun when out and about and I'm sure some feel the same way about treat food the way I do about stuff.)

This is great thank you, I had pre-warned that we weren’t getting anything from the gift shop today but I didn’t validate his feelings. Perhaps that will help. It isn’t fair to keep having these same arguments over and over, I think I need to stop meeting them for days out.

I don’t think enjoying the experience or enjoying a toy are two mutually exclusive things. Can kids not enjoy the day and get a wee reminder too?

We've adopted a bit of a habit with DS in that if we go somewhere different he chooses a fridge magnet, they're not usually expensive, it sets expectations in advance and it's quite nice seeing them all on the fridge. He tries to pick the more unusual ones which is fine with me and seems to have bought into it as a tradition, whilst it also stops requests for overpriced plastic tat and cuddly toys. We had a bit of a run of theatre shows last year and I ordered appropriate magnets in advance for a couple of pounds each, knowing our theatre wouldn't have them and he got them on the day.

You can't change what your friend does you either stop going out with her, or do something different with your DC

This is exactly how I feel, you say it in a far less judgy way 😁

I meant to say it’s maybe unfair of me but for me it’s a bit off of your friend - whenever I’m out with friends I tend to discuss this and all agree to not get things so everyone is the same, or if I’ve told my kids they are getting something, I tell my friend so she can explain to her kids.

I get why this is stressful. You have to pick up the fall out when your own child has a potential meltdown. Only SEN parents seem to understand how stressful this is. .
I'd possibly talk to the friend to come up with some way of managing it when you go out together. Just tell her it's really difficult managing the meltdowns so you want to dodge gift shops etc. Maybe just leave separately or say you'll go at that point. It depends if you're sharing transport.
You have to put your needs first here whilst also appreciating that she also has the right to parent or buy treats how she likes.
If me, I'd be saying please don't bring up gift shop in front of mine. I'm leaving before that point. I'd be taking my own vehicle.

When my kids were that age I watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with them. I made sure I commented on how horrible Verucca Salt was and that that's what happens when children get everything they want. So if we went anywhere that had a shop and I could sense a tantrum I would say 'you don't want to end up like Verruca Salt do you?! They accepted that the children who get everything are spoilt and they didn't want to be like that. I would treat them occasionally but they were grateful and knew not to expect it all the time. They have pocket money and bday/Xmas money saved up so if they desperately wanted something that I didn't want to buy, they could use their own money. This tends to make them more careful with money.

I think it’s a bit tight not to get kids a toy whenever you go out if you can afford to. They don’t need to be expensive.

I don't want my kids thinking they have to get stuff to have a good time, I very much want to separate those things in their heads. We had a good day last week because we went to the farm and met the animals and played in the playground - they don't need a bit of tat to make that more enjoyable or to remember it. I didn't need to spend any more money then the tickets and the ice-creams. We certainly didn't need to bring home any more bloody plastic that will end up in landfill.

you don’t need to get personal. I’m not saying it’s wrong not to buy your child something but apparently it’s materialistic and sending the wrong message if you do? Can children not enjoy the experience AND enjoy a gift to remind them of the day? Jesus wept.

YANBU - nobody needs that much crap. Occasionally it’s nice to buy a toy on a day out but every time is ridiculous. It’s just endless ‘stuff’ and also teaching children that a day out is only fully enjoyable when they get a toy too. I don’t know how you can get around it other than not spending time with them any more, which is a shame.

Buying a toy every time you go somewhere is practically the dictionary definition of materialistic.

I think it’s a bit tight not to get kids a toy whenever you go out if you can afford to. They don’t need to be expensive.

Why would you buy stuff you don’t need or that dc will never look at again just because you can afford it?

Yeah, I would just do this OP.

Just meet them at the park or for a play in the garden etc.

you might need a new dictionary kid.

Where are you storing all this stuff? You don't think.kids can appreciate good time without material stuff mostly plastic. Mother nature won't be thanking you.

My sentiments exactly 👏🏻 thank you for explaining it better than me

I’m 100% with you OP. Mine know they won’t be getting more than an ice cream out of me on most days out and they accept it. It means that on the very odd occasion they do get a treat, it is actually, y’know, a treat.

I have friends with a similar parenting style to your friends (the path of least resistance / ‘give them everything they want’ school of parenting) and I simply don’t do big days out with them any more. There wasn’t really any other option. Why spend time with people who make the day less enjoyable for you and your children? We see these friends on ‘at home’ play dates or at the park. Far fewer shops! 😆

This is actually a fabulous idea! Thank you!

I’m saying they can enjoy the experience AND enjoy getting a small reminder of the day. It’s a lovely way to round off the day. Aye me buying my son a toy is the main contributor to the climate change crisis, dead on.

I'm extremely tight so because there is no way I would buy something every time. I know they would want it more than anything else in the world and wouldn't give a crap about it once we got home. I do allow my children to bring their own money and usually they don't want it if they have to pay themselves which is always a good measure.

Gosh I would actively try and stop the "toy every time we go out" expectation personally.