Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

It's fine. Your friends are being weird.

Sounds fine to me. She let you know and got home as quickly as she could.

Nothing wrong with your approach at all.

So she was 5 minutes late ?

Perfectly fine and she kept you updated. She knew she had a curfew and was on her way to meeting it.

I would see your response to her as positive, flexible and trusting. Your friends sound inflexible and rigid parents, which often causes clashes with teenagers…

Nothing wrong with your approach - she messaged before the curfew time so kept you informed, which is perfect in my book.

Sounds fine to me as she kept you informed

My parents were like this I'd get one day grounding for every minute I was late. Now it's turned me into one of them people that turn up like half hour early to everything.

I don't mind as long as I get a text so I know they are OK

I think I would want to reinforce that 3.30 means 3.30, but I'd just say it to her and remind her to be on time next time. I wouldn't make a big thing of it and definitely wouldn't punish her, but I also wouldn't want it to become a habit.

I'd keep an eye and see if it happens persistently that she's 5-10 minutes late because then there's an issue.

As it's the first time she's had a curfew like this, and it's a relatively new thing for to be going out like this, it stands to reason there's a chance she might be late - not knowing quite how to work out how long it will take to get home/what time the bus comes, etc.

Not poor parenting at all. And sounds like your DD is respectful of your wishes!

seems completely fine. I suspect the strict curfews are applied if the child starts really pushing it, for instance if they’re supposed to be home at 3.30, messaging at 3.25 to say they’re still at the shops and going to x’s house later. Or messaging “I’ll be late” and swanning in hours later and denying it’s a problem “because I TOLD you I’d be late”. Friends may be thinking “it’s the start of a slippery slope” rather than reasonable communication, but if you’re happy, stick to your approach, it’ll work fine as long as she doesn’t take the piss.

It’s not bad parenting. :) it’s treating your daughter with respect, as a human who makes slight error, and not micromanaging her.
your way will go far toward keeping her trust, and having her wish to keep your trust.

my mom parented me like this, and I told her everything. I respected her too much to pull the shit some teenagers/ young adults pull, lying and sneaking out, etc.

well done.

It's fine. She text you and let you know and apologised.

My goodness , 5 mins . A complete non issue .

Your Dd let you know she was running late I.that's considerate and she wasn't late for anything she didn't hold anything up. What trouble do your friends want her in for being a bit late ?

It’s fine and what I do with my 12yo. I’ve been caught out by slow buses etc often enough, I wouldn’t expect her to do better than I can! Though I would expect her to keep me updated, as your dd did.

I have a ‘text me when you get somewhere, text me when you leave somewhere’ rule, which works well for us.

I agree with this.

What would we expect from an adult? If someone is a little late they show respect by texting/calling to let the person know and they don't take the piss by repeatedly leaving the person hanging.

That's all that matters. Your daughter sounds lovely and I like the image of her scurrying up the hill home. She obviously cares that she was late and doesn't want to disappoint you.

Okay, pretty unanimous that it was a non-issue. That's good! Thanks all.

The friends are probably uptight because it's a worry letting kids be independent and If their kids are late it spirals that worry then the kids get into trouble, that's probably why they think you are not parenting "right"

I would have been mildly angry without the text at 3.27 but punishment for being 5 minutes late having given warning would seem very harsh.

It might be different with late-at-night deadlines if you are desperate for sleep but if you lay it out clearly in future as "I want you home by half past. You will be in serious trouble in you aren't home by 25 to. Make sure you are aiming to be early because you never know when a bus might be late" then I don't think that's poor parenting. It's often difficult to predict exactly how long a journey will take so I think a curfew window is reasonable as opposed to a single time point.

What you don't want is for midnight deadlines to be considered totally flexible because "the bus was late" is an excuse that can be stretched for as long as is needed.

I agree.

Let me get this right.
So she was 5 minutes late!
no big deal in my book.
She wasn’t going to an interview? You didn’t miss a bus or train?
No problem in my opinion.
BUT agree she needs to learn punctuality for the important things in life.

This would be my approach too. I wouldn’t want her to think it’s fine to be repeatedly late (and no doubt start pushing how late as they get older) but one off / first time / kept updated / travelling quite a distance. Nothing to worry about, all the learning curve and if I needed to leave at 3:30, I’d say be in for 3:00 etc so we all have a buffer anyway.

So I think the people who would not have been completely happy about this are looking to teach their child the importance of punctuality and of respecting authority. Is that right? Being 5 minutes late home from the shops is the thin end of the wedge, and it's better to be clear from the start that 3.30 means 3.30, not 3.35.

Communication is good. Flexibility is good. You are doing well.

Ultimately we are trying to raise good people so it's good to make the point that reliability and punctuality are some of the ways we show consideration for others. If you give a 16yo a curfew of 11 pm so you can go to bed knowing they are safely home, and then at 10.59pm you get a text saying "sorry, I'm still at [random place half an hour away] but I'm leaving in 5 minutes" that's a lot more annoying than a 12yo being 5 mins late in the afternoon! believe me I have been there... so while I would be flexible in this case, a few years down the line the "but I did let you know" excuse won't always make lateness OK.