Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

You did the right thing. She did the right thing. Reinforce what was right about the situation THEN what you’d like to see next time. Let her know she did very well for her first time. Show her respect and she will return it.

Seems fine to me. Her first time out on her own. She tried her best to be home on time, running, was only 5 minutes late, but important thing is, she kept you informed. I find that when I'm running late, slowing down or stopping to text someone actually eats up another minute or so, but it's important to communicate to let someone know that you are running late so that they don't worry. You and your daughter are both in the right about this.
xx

I think you are entirely reasonable. You weren’t sat at home chewing you nails because you knew she was safe. That’s what it’s all about.

Not bad parenting in my opinion. If she did this repeatedly then maybe impose some punishment - not allowed out with friends for a week or something similar. She texted and apologised you accepted that and moved on. Well done for not over reacting to one incident.

You'll find the advocates of the 'thin end of the wedge' argument are invoking the 'slippery slope' argument. This is 'this leads inevitably to this, which inevitably leads to...' It's a fallacy. In this case it means 'If you don't crack down on this hard and nip it in the bud before you know she'll be selling crack in the play ground and you'll find chloroform and duct tape in her school bag.'

This is just a smokescreen for parental incompetence. Strict, dictatorial ('because I said so') parenting frees parenting from developing skills of compromise, building trust, and flexibility of thought necessary in consolidating a mature loving relationship based on openness and communication.

I live in an Asian environment and this bullshit is a staple for Asian parents. See it all the time.

Your girl was five minutes late, she knew she was in the wrong, she hurried back and she texted you. Perspective. Love. Common sense.

"I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house."

She made the effort! She respected the boundary given. And possibly gave you a giggle.

5 minutes late then ? Your friends are either very odd or maybe you gravitate to friends on the spectrum (we have allot of autism in my family!) in which case flexibility may not be their natural go to, where being rigid came come all to easy!! They need to learn there’s a big difference between 5 mins late & an hour. Also your daughters communication and even her sweet apology for running late bless her , is spot on, so .. great parenting in my opinion for what it’s worth. Her safety and communication is everything x Perhaps offer your friends a placebo ‘chill pill’ … you are ALL good just as you are !!

Obviously me and DH didn't get this training as we can't be on time for anything, though I do really, really try.
Sounds very reasonable what you are doing, I'm sure DD will grow up a very rounded person..

Recently had my step son off to the park, whilst with his mum. He came home on time but upset and it transpired he’d panicked he would be late and run across the road without waiting for the lights because no one was stopping. Mum told him (and we all thoroughly agree) that he’s to wait for the lights even if it means being a few minutes late. Also that he can call to say he’s stuck at the lights, or wants a grown up to come and meet him.
I think your friends are being weird.

She let u know, so not an issue.

You want to foster trust in each other. Them to be trying their best to get home for the agreed time, and for them to know you you won’t be angry or upset if things happen outside their control.

They need to trust that you’ll be ok to call to get them ( or their friends) out of a sticky situation if needed. This is most important. They shouldn’t be too frightened of your reaction and I’ve seen this play out in real life. My friend was able to rescue her dd and and also took home her friend from a potentially serious situation that her friend would have stayed in, was it not for my friend fetching them, as she was too frightened to call her own mum.

A secret password/s that is pre agreed is also a good idea if your teen wants to extricate themselves from something, whilst saving face. They say or text the obscure word/s in the middle of a fairly normal sentence (eg asking how aunt Sandra is)and it is your cue to insist on them coming home on some pretext thus they can blame you rather than appear uncool etc.

It is fine on this occasion she kept you updated. However, it should be made clear she needs to be home for the time you said, as with all kids give them an inch and they will take a mile. With mine if they had been late I would casually remind them of the time they were expected home and also don't forget you owe me five minutes as they were leaving. I always got the look and usually got the five minutes.

I'd say your friends are a bit OTT. Your Daughter knew she had a curfew, was running late & had respect for you enough to text you to let you know & got home as soon as she could. Sometimes kids take the mick & stay out late on purpose which is a problem if not sorted but in this instance your Daughter tried to make it on time & when she realised she'd be a bit late let you know. I'd praise your Daughter for being honest & upfront.

dd did the mature/respectful thing by messaging you to say she'd be late and was only 5 minutes late in the end, so I think you handled it perfectly, no need to admonish her.

The relationship your friends have with their kids might be different, and they feel a firmer grip is necessary, but if people are consistetly too draconian about enforcing rules with their children they might get a rebellious backlash later, when their children won't bother keeping them informed of schedule because they can't be bothered with being nagged.

Oh what a gem your daughter sounds; I'm with you.

I’d say fine but you can get into grey areas. Let’s say going to a night club and an hour late home. Just need to handle that type of situation.