Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

Wrong thread sorry!

5 minutes is fine, I think they're over stepping with their opinions tbh. It's none of their business, you parent your way x

As someone whose parents grounded me for being 1 minute late regularly I am saying that what you did is fine.

The grounding made me hate my parents it didn't make me on time

It's fine because she kept you in the loop and was only five minutes late. If it was half an hour or more and you'd heard nothing from her then that would be an issue.

Honestly you and your daughter both sound lovely. A parent who has failed to teach their kid the rules or to respect them needs a harsh punishment to change, a kid who has been properly taught these things and has respect, but messes up their timing, does not!

You say "for being 5 minutes late" as if I said I'd punish her. I explicitly said I wouldn't punish her. But yes, I would point out that she was 5 minutes late, because she was, and it's a good life skill to raise levels of awareness of these things. There is no punishment or telling off involved.

SAME!!!!

I’m the same as you with my teenagers, and it’s served us all well so far (I have 20, 15 and 13).

As long as they have contacted me to let me know, I’m flexible. They are not scared to let me know if there’s an issue and I get a voluntary run down of what they’ve been up to.

I imagine they wouldn’t bother if I was too busy flying off the handle and grounding them over 5 minutes.

Great parenting imo

Much better to have a good and open relationship where she happily keeps in touch with you. That’s priceless, especially as she gets further into teenage years. She was doing exactly what you’d hope - letting you know she was okay and that she was on her way back. I’d praise her for that and be grateful. I still live in fear of telling DM I’m running late. You obviously have a good relationship - foster what you have and ignore your friends.

It's a judgement call isn't it?

If you need to leave again at 3.45 & a bus gets to the stop at 3.30 (if on time) & you still need to walk 5/10 mins then maybe consider an earlier bus.

Your friends are idiots

Anyone who would punish a child because their bus was late doesn't deserve to be a parent.

Definitely not poor parenting. Your friends are being daft.

What's the problem? Your DD seems very sensible and respectful of the agreement. Re your friends who think your approach is wrong, I sincerely hope that they are never presented with REAL problems with their teenagers!

Sounds like excellent parenting to me. Your child kept you informed and got home independently and safely. Win.

Why do we still follow the patriarchy like blind sheep….. she sounds like an awesome kid being raised by an awesome mother x

Your friends are ridiculous and either stirring the pot or completely unrealistic about children and teenagers full stop.

I think the fact she was on time (because basically she was, who gives a crap about 5 mins FFS?!) and she also kept you up to date is great. She sounds like a great kid and you should be proud of her!

Of course she's going to judge it wrong the first few times, it's probably a good idea to praise her for letting you know before you started worrying,

I don’t consider 5 minutes to be late when there is public transport and a pre-teen involved.

I assume she was coming home on the bus. Have your friends never ridden on a bus? They have timetables, but two or three red traffic lights can scupper them!

It's fine. She communicated she was running late (if it was the evening I would have been a bit more worried myself). She sounds like she's doing well with the independence and communicating.

You were entirely reasonable and your DD kept you informed which is great. You were understanding and she was sensitive enough to understand you'd want to know where she was.

Sounds like a win win to me.

I think your friends are being a bit draconian.

I think that was really responsible on your daughter's part as she could've thought, "ah it's only 5 minutes", but she let you know and was barely even late. Don't know why anyone would think this would need to warrant some sort of punishment - bizarre!

The people who have a problem with this are weird. Yes she needs to be on time for school and appointments, but just coming home from a trip out is entirely different. I wouldn't listen to those people again when it comes to parenting, they clearly have no perspective.

What A good girl letting you know. 5 min isn't really late. Public transport is not reliable. You have a good one there!