Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

Given that she text you to keep you updated, I think you can let it slide she was 5 minutes late.

If, however, it becomes an ongoing issue with poor time keeping, then it may have consequences.

I don’t see an issue here, she’s learning to navigate time keeping and has let you know she’s going be late…I’m always 5 minutes late and have 30 years experience!

If you are going somewhere and don’t have time to spare I would stress the fact that she can’t be late on that occasion, otherwise I’d be happy she was keeping me in the loop.

She let you know she was going to be a little bit late and she was only 5 mins late different issue if half hour or more and / or didn't let you know,

Have to say 5 minutes wouldn’t bother me, especially if she’d been considerate and text me to let me know.

What you did is perfectly fine
Your Daughter let you know and was clearly trying to get home on time.

Your friends are being petty

5mins is not being flexible. Thats just normal eapecially as she is 13 and her first time. If it was 30mins later without any communication I would be like WTH.

Not bad parenting at all.
You gave your daughter a time and she's made an attempt to get back for that time. Realised that she's got to be a little late and let you know.
That's responsible behaviour from your daughter.

Back in our day we didn't have phones and be running at break neck speed to get home.

I think your friends are being ott with their reactions to your situation.

I would rather have a trusting relationship with my daughter than punish her for being 5 minutes late when she's made an effort and let you know.

You’re being perfectly reasonable and decent and your friends are wrong. When I was young my brother was friends with the boy who lived across the road. He had to be home by 8:30. One night, when our clock read something like 8:28 he went home. Problem is, it turned out our clock was a few minutes slow so he was actually a minute or so late rather than a minute or so early. His father gave him a severe caning. My mother was very upset and blamed herself. But the problem wasn’t her, or the clock, it was the father, right?

I would just say for next time when you say a time you want her in for that time. She did text to say she was running late.

Your friends are being a bit much
Punishment for a one off that she kept you informed of just creates the it's not fair teen mentality but have a chat about how punctuality is a needed skill in life

My mum taught us if your not 15 minutes early then your already late, my autistic daughter takes that to the extreme and trys to go places and hour early 🤦🏻‍♀️

I do push for letting me know what's happening, sometimes being late is unavoidable, can't control public transport breakdowns but a quick text with where they are and what's happened saves the worry

This !

I think the important difference is that she didn't saunter in late but instead sent you a text letting you know. The first one is up for discussion. The second one is more of a "If I need you back by a certain time, it will be because there are plans so please try to be on time in future" light scolding.

Hmmmm have a think about your friends this sounds weird. Your daughter is learning - good for her. How nice she sent a text . Good job all round - happy days

It's 5 minutes, not 25 minutes, or more. The amount of time of lateness determines how bad it is. I'd like to think everyone is flexible with 5 minutes, especially when she's let you know in advance that she's going to be 5 minutes late. It's not like she rocked up after 45 minutes of you worrying with no contact. She did the right thing communicating her lateness with you, and in the end she wasn't really late, 5 minutes is nothing and most people understand that.

Your friends sound very inflexible, which isn't great because they're going to cause conflict with their kids over minor things. The phrase "pick your battles" springs to mind. If you get angry over 5 minutes, where do you go when it's way more than that? Kids deserve the benefit of the doubt, and recognition for communicating effectively.

Sounds like you did a great job to me!

5 minutes and she'd kept you informed is fine.

If she is frequently 15-30 minutes late I would give a warning as it would appear she is trying to stretch boundaries.

Over 30 minutes and no communication/good reason (eg no buses) then would be thinking about punishments.

As a recovering chronically awfully late person I really like that phrase you used ("if you're not 15 mins early you're already late") and will be putting that on my phone as a reminder

Weird friends

I think being fine over being informed over 5 mins of lateness is more likely to boost good behaviour when it matters. When you say "please be home by 5 because you need to have had a wee and be in the car by 5.05", it will rub in as "ok today I CAN'T be 5 mins late". If the normal rule is "mum will have a fit if I'm 5 minutes late" then that day will not be as memorable.

The key is she messaged you apologised and hurried to get home. Well done her showing maturity. Silly friends of yours making it a potential issue. Wise response from you

Only 5 mins late is good lol 😆

The pair of you handled it perfectly - she communicated and you were reasonably flexible. If she'd been 45 mins late then I would've approached it differently but as it was, excellent parenting- an A* for effort!

I used to get in horrendous trouble if I was even a minute late. My Dad once left me somewhere bc the person I was visiting's Mum wouldn't let me go and kept talking, and at 15 I was too polite to tell her to shut up. You're breaking negative generational traits, don't apologise for it.

You and your daughter have a level of trust that most parents do not have. the fact that you did not make a big deal out of it means she knows she can come to you with anything. We all rund late, have things pop up, including our children.

Now if she rocked up at 17:30 without being in communication, that is another issue.

Your parenting is fine. Kepp at it.

5 mins late-well done her👏🏻