Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

You are doing brilliantly - you told her a time to be home, she let you know that she was running late in a lovely way.

It's a few minutes. Not hours.

I bet the parents who are saying you should discipline her haven't got anywhere near as good of a relationship with their children.

Personally I'd HAVE to say that to the 'friends' 🤣

Wow all over 5 minutes.

For being 5 minutes late AND she's messaged you?

Glad you're not my parent.

You sound like a great parent!
I was forever punished for being late as a teenager, and never got more punctual. I tried to be on time but my natural disorganisation took over. Just ended up with low self esteem and thinking I was useless, therefore what was the point of even trying to be on time when I would fail.
It’s definitely a good thing to be understanding of the situation, and not just stubbornly enforcing rules!

My parents used to ground me one night for every minute I was late. I resented them for it and still do. Your way is so much better and it’s my way with my children now.

I think your approach was right. They are really odd. In 10-15yrs time they will be the ones moaning to you about their children not wanting to visit!

Absolutely. There is an allowance for notification before the set time. Notification afterwards gets no allowance.

Agree that it would be really unreasonable of you to punish her, especially when she's been using public transport and messaged to let you know she was going to be a few mins late.

You'll have more of her respect and likelihood of future rule abidance for being reasonable and understanding over a couple of minutes, which could literally be down to traffic or something else entirely out of her hands.

Totally agree with pps- your friends are wrong on this one! Your dd was five minutes late and let you know in advance. She's not persistently pushing the boundaries, she took your curfew seriously. Realistically, if she didn't text and just arrived at 3.35, would you even have noticed she was late? Probably not!

Totally different if she started pushing it all the time but she's not. You're fine, your dd is fine. Your friends need to chill!

@Mushroomwithaview it always depends on bus timetables! perhaps the earlier but was way too early.

She was 5 minutes late, not 5 hours. Your friends are ludicrous.

I agree you are doing fine . My son often lets me know he is on his way if he’s worried he won’t make it in time - sometimes he’s late , sometimes he’s early . I would much rather he talk to me though than hide anything when he thinks he might be in trouble . Communication is key

I wouldn't be annoyed, and I'd be glad she texted me. I might talk through how long she estimated the bus to take and figure out with her how long it actually took so she learns from this.

You did fine. Super authoritative parenting backfires. Your daughter was being sensible and contacted you so you didn’t worry.

Totally fine to me.

Punitive punishment just leads to teens not trusting you when something goes wrong.

This is how I view it. She clearly knew she was late as was running and it was her first time on her own. She’s learning. Grounding her for every minute she’s late isn’t going to make her think I’ll work with mum on this but fuck you, I’ll do what I want and rebel.

5 minutes!!! The horror!!!

You’d have to be seriously controlling to worry about 5 mins particularly when she texted you and you saw her rushing.

If it was over 15 minutes and made you late for your plans, maybe you’d have to have a chat but otherwise I see no problem at all.

Their poor kids if your friends have them!

Ok. So your friends are perfect then? Never 1 minute late?! She let you know she was running late

If you are one of “those” people who turn up half an hour early to an invite I’d probably not let you in!

If it’s to a meeting somewhere then fine, it’s your own time you’re wasting.

It’s a non issue, it was the first time, it was only 5 mins and she let you know. Just say next time please be mindful of the time and mention how punctually is important in life so to do best not to make it a habit, an occasional one off can’t be helped

They’re wierd. Your DD acknowledged that they understood the 330 deadline in their text, they showed respect for you (and your authority) in letting you know the were nearly there - in the real world, they are very unlikely to be ‘punished’ for being late if they’ve called ahead to apologise and advise. I may be biased as it is what I’d do, but I’d say you got it absolutely spot on and have raised a good, communicative kid.

If the next time she is 15 mins late, and the next, then there would be a conversation. Teaching responsibility is not about instilling compliance.

I think the question is do you care she was 5 minutes late? Absolute non issue for me, if I wanted them back for a specific time I'd make that clear - if we had somewhere to go. Be different if it was 10pm and you were worrying about her. She's gaining independence and learning, no need to be highly strung about these things x

Out of interest-why was she late & were the plans for later affected at all?

She messaged to let you know so in my opinion she wasn't doing anything wrong. No need for her to be in trouble.

Tbh thinking about it, even when she was still in nappies she'd wake with a dry nappy long before 2.5 but she'd do a wee not long after waking. I think the control was there for a long time but the understanding came a bit later