Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

DD is actually a stickler for being on time and I am the one would is always running a bit later than expected and cutting it fine.

If we had to leave to go somewhere I would give a time 30 mins before we actually had to leave to account for lateness.

It takes time to get used to buses getting stuck in traffic or the bus getting in at the right time but the walk taking slightly longer than expected etc. I would give more leeway if other transport was involved opposed to just walking home from a friend's house.

I like to be kept in the loop of where she is and we have a dedicated WhatsApp group where there isn't any chatter but just a log of when we arrive / leave a location, it might be a photo of a location or food being eaten at a cafe etc. I model using this if I'm off anywhere unexpected and DD is pretty good at using it too.

Perfectly normal - the fact she messaged should be applauded. It is impossible to always be on time in real life, so letting other people know is respectful.

I'd much rather my kids were an apologetic 10 minutes late than an unapologetic 5 minutes

@Mushroomwithaview So I think the people who would not have been completely happy about this are looking to teach their child the importance of punctuality

No, the people who have not been completely happy about this need to take a visit to the grip shop. It's fine OP. She texted you before the deadline and even then was only five minutes late.

Yep. She let you know, all good.

She kept you updated. Five minutes late when depending on public transport is nothing. I took a bus last week, it’s a 20 minute journey but took nearly an hour due to an accident on the route. Delays happen.

NOT bad parenting - sensible parenting.

Sorry just another thing to add that I didn't mention earlier.

I see why people worry about consistency and teenagers later saying "but it was ok last time" but teenagers have to eventually realise that that's a very childish way of looking at things.

In the real world, repeatedly doing something wrong is going to get increasingly negative reactions. It's like the meeting a friend / turning up for work late example I mentioned earlier. Doing it once is probably fine. Doing it repeatedly is going to become a problem.

There are lots of things already in her life where the same thing applies. If you accidentally drop and smash a glass once and are apologetic, it's no big deal. It happens to everyone.

If you then start being really not careful where you put them, letting them fall and smash every day and unapologetically saying "well you said it's fine" then obviously that's ridiculous. You can't just smash all of the glasses in the house.

If you forget to reply to your friend because you're busy and apologise and get in touch the next day then they are unlikely to care. If you never remember to respond and don't engage, then people might stop initiating conversation with you as much which may distance your friendship.

If you stand on sometimes foot on the bus and say sorry they'll probably say "no problem" with a smile. If you do it 17 times before you get to the next stop they're going to be like "wtf?"

So I can see why consistency is easier with rules especially for some children / teenagers but if you do get into a situation where she's saying "well you said it was fine last time" then you can point out that that's not the way the world works in most circumstances.

The more times you make the same mistake, the less it seems like an accident to others. At best it appears as carelessness and at worse appears like you're actively doing it on purpose.

I feel sorry for your friends children.

In this situation, I would expect her genuinely to be aiming to be back by the specified time and I would speak to her if she was repeatedly late to the point where it became apparent that she wasn't respecting the time.

But no, I wouldn't make a fuss about occasional latenesses. I'm sometimes a little late to meet a friend, I message and let them know and I try not to impinge on my friends' good nature by letting it happen too often.

My DP nags the shit out of the kids about being late, leaving late etc... and it stresses them out and makes them less able to leave the house and communicate properly.

5 mins late for a job interview - not ok.
5 mins late coming home - fine.

Perfect as she kept you informed. I would have thought differently if she hasn't let me know.

Five minutes late? Your friends must be prison guards or something?
She texted as well to say she was running late.
How weird, what did they think you should do. Ground her for 5 weekends, one for every minute of tardiness?

Your friends are bloody weird!! Your DD seems very responsible texting you 👍

It sounds like your daughter is very conscientious and the fact you saw her scurrying home means it was a mistake rather than being deliberately defiant. So I think your decisions are good.

Definitely a non-issue. If she had not bothered to let you know then it would have been an issue. As it is - well done that girl! Hope she had a fun time.

Your friends are weirdos.

My children are toddlers but I think your response was normal / reasonable.
She agreed a time, stayed in touch and was basically on time 🤷🏻‍♀️

As adult humans we are sometimes a bit late for factors in and out of our control... and she still learning about independence and time keeping.
maybe she cut it fine and bus hit traffic... ?
like.... it was 5 mins

I think it would be really weird to "punish" this and detrimental to your relationship with your teenager to boot.

It's completely fine. If anything she should be praised for keeping you informed and hurrying to get back.

Fine I'd say. Great that she let you know. With my two, particularly DD2 she would forget to call and I'd be wondering where she was and trying not to worry.

So many people seem to approach parenting with a sort of siege mentality. It's completely unnecessary and creates sneaky anxious teenagers who don't communicate. Follow your instincts and keep being reasonable and flexible. No need to be on a war footing all the time, kids aren't the enemy.

She sounds like a great kid op. I think you have parented her well. She was running late and let you know, you saw her clearly hurrying to make her as on time as possible, so to me, she was being considerate and respectful.

It's 5 mins and she let you know, it's honestly not an issue at all and I'd have no idea why anyone would think it was... It's bizarre. There again I don't think I'd be mentioning it as it's just a non issue it wouldn't even register with me

What I found particularly with DD2 is she wanted a boundary at that age. I'd be happy to say "Ok, have fun, see you in a bit" and then she'd ask "But what time do I need to be back?"

I think that your friends are weird.

I know how public transport is and she called you when she realised when she was going to be late which is exactly what I’d want to know too.

I think parents being really strict about curfews are going for a bit of a fear/authoritarian based approach to parenting.

We found that with DD3, who has been diagnosed with autism. She needed that clarity and has, over time, learnt to be flexible

Wouldn't be an issue for me as it's the first fine. If it keeps happening then I would say something along the lines of being on time is helpful for school/work and so on.