Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

I wouldn’t have an issue in the case you describe. She’ll need to learn how to time her buses better/bus might be late etc….

id have an issue if it’s always like that.
Id have issues of respecting the timing was essential and she knew about it (but then I would also probably have given her a time 5~10mins earlier to be back home)

It sounds fine to me

Sounds like she was trying to be really respectful of the timings and as another poster said, perhaps she misjudged the length of the walk / bus journey etc. The fact that she let you know she was on the way but late shows that she's responsible.

Your friends seem to have an uptight attitude. Pick your battles and all, this isn't one of them.

There's evidence to show that a little bit of flexibility leads to teens being more open with their parents instead of lying to them. I know which I would prefer...

She let you know though! And five minutes? Different if you got that text fifteen minutes late. Your friends are obviously just extremely strict

Authoritarian approach won’t work with a pre tee/teen, you will make enemies of them when actually being supportive and understanding helps far more so they can talk openly to you.

She messaged, show respect for you and the time, that’s more than enough. Thank her as you did. Move on. There will be far bigger battles and hills to die on later on. A good relationship is imperative.

Your approach is just fine - sounds like you have a great relationship with your DD and that's far more likely to continue if you are not rigid in your parenting. My curfews have always had a small amount of wiggle room built into them (they didn't know that of course!).

I guess the point your friends are making is that if you say 3:30, you should mean it, or else where are you actually drawing the line? 3:35 is fine, but what about 3:40? 3:50? 4:00?

Personally I think a text before the curfew to let you know, and then only being a few mins late is fine. But I can see why people might want to say that when they've set a time, there's no point unless you stick to it. If 3:35 was fine, why not give her that as the time originally?

I just wouldn't let it pass without comment that I'd said 3.30 but it was 3.35. I wouldn't make a big deal of it but I'd make sure she knew she was a bit late and to try harder next time. It's about preparation for adult life too and learning what's expected - punctuality is important and it's not respectful to keep people waiting.

Text me when you arrive and text me when you leave is SUCH a good rule for this situation because then you can work out if she's really just been held up, like anyone can be, or if she's pushing it.

So if she texts at 3.27 to say she's leaving, and there's a half hour journey, and her curfew is 3.30 then that's a VERY different conversation vs she's left at 3 on the dot and been held up and she's letting you know she'll be 5 mins late.

Your friends do sound a bit off but maybe they've got teens who are pushing their buttons right now or who just swan in whenever they want after texting when they were outside the door to say they're late.

I’m struggling a bit with this at the moment with older teen as I don’t want to give strict curfew but I can’t sleep when they are still out!
Theres a lot of group mooching around the park/ street very late at night in the Summers and I’m not at all easy with that either. Other parents are apparently fine with their kids being out on the street after 1am and it’s just me being uptight apparently…? Parenting teens is hard.
You are right though OP, of course, your daughter sounds very considerate.

She was a few mins late and she texted you. Any parent who punishes a child for that is a monster. Your friends are either weird or winding you up

When I was a kid I would’ve been grounded for arriving home later than the set time. It was awful!! If my children just rock up late, I wouldn’t be happy - but if they’re caught up & let me know it’s not really a problem - especially over a few minutes. I find it a bit annoying if they call me at the time I’ve asked them to be home to say they haven’t set off yet - especially as we’ve normally set a time for a reason. I try to be fair & reasonable - but I do think being punctual is really good habit to get into :-)

Wow, your friends sound weird — just be glad you don’t have a teenage boy. This behaviour is angelic compared to how my son behaves. I would not be bothered about 5 minutes at all - especially since she so thoughtfully kept in touch. My son never answers his phone and apparently has no concept of time either.

Your friends are weird.

She messaged you which for me is far more important. Communication is so important as they grow up. Why then ruin that with a punishment?

Thanks - DD2 (now 15) also has an ASD diagnosis now.

Your friends sound like the 90s authoritarian hysterical parenting I am doing all in my power not to replicate. My poor friends in the 6th form endured this -

Dramatic screaming fits for being even slightly late - we lived rurally so it was genuinely hard to be dead on time

Automatic dire assumptions of drug taking / dreadful behaviour from perfectly normal law abiding teens.

None of us were up to much at all but from the parents parenting you would think we were arch criminals.

I’m the same. Although o remind my DD that she is 5 minutes late and will need to make sure she times things right next time and leave 5 minutes earlier if it’s somewhere she’s going regularly. But being kept informed by text is good. I think when we were all 5 minutes late back in the days before phone our parents would be past themselves. I track my DD and can usually see where she is. If I think she’s taking the mick then she’s told. but time management needs to be learned.

Exactly this.
The most important thing is that she kept you informed and that's to he encouraged.

We used to get in major trouble if we were late, I’m talking not just grounding but a proper slap. Instead of making us be on time instead we made sure if we’re going to get in trouble for being late then we may as well make it worth it & be really late vs my friends parents who providing she didn’t take the piss & was just a few minutes late then she wasn’t in trouble. We were the ones staying out most of the night & she was home for curfew

Why are you even telling friends something so mediocre as your dd being 5 mins late coming home?

Sounds like, as a group, it is something you see a point even worth discussion (twice!) which is perhaps why they have an slightly extreme opinion on it. Perhaps you are all a bit too invested in very minor details of each others dc.

No big deal. She called to let you know. It was only a few mins. My 13 yo often a few minutes later 🤷‍♀️
you do you, let them do them.

What happened was fine as a one off. But kids have to learn time keeping you can't be late for work. It's rude unless something has happened.

We track dd2 on find my phone. It’s invaluable if you have a sociable roaming about type of teen! Means we don’t need to fret about curfews etc as we can see where she is. She’s nearly 16 though so older.