Can someone explain why this is bad parenting?

[Mushroomwithaview]

Dd is 12. She went out to meet friends. They all caught the bus to another friend's house and then went to the shops from there. We had plans later so I said she must be home by 3.30.

This is relatively new for her to be socialising independently like this, and the first time she's ever been out and been told to be home by a certain time.

At 3.27 I got a text, "Sorry Mum, on my way, running a few minutes late". I replied, "thank you for letting me know! See you soon."

She arrived home at 3.35 - I watched her scurrying up the hill to our house.

Not the most scintillating tale, but for some reason it has come up twice with friends who have both reacted with surprise that dd wasn't in trouble for being late. Apparently if I say a time then she MUST be home by that time and she needs to learn. I don't really agree - but historically I sometimes completely misunderstand important parenting stuff. Would anyone like to weigh in?

In fact, I remember as a teen that friends would be grounded for being even a minute late. A curfew is a curfew and cannot be flexible. Why? Am asking out of interest rather than challenging it.

I assume it's because some kids will always push boundaries. So 5 mins late the first time, to them now means, 'The deadline is flexible'. Then it becomes 15 mins, an hour and so on.

But when you factor in your own child and whether she's likely to do this, and the fact she let you know, it's a complete non-issue.

Yes and in some respects I agree with them, but you go hard when it becomes a repeated problem, not as a one off when she messaged and knew she was going to be late. It’s a learning curve.
In school / employment for example it’s very rare to be punished first time, you get a warning and then punishments increase with recurrence.

Pp have a point though just be careful she doesn't push it and takes advantage,

Wouldn't be an issue for me and I am a stickler for punctuality. The communication is important to me though.

Other people parent differently - they may prefer to stick to the rules so that there is less arguing over where the 'too late' boundary lies. Otherwise it could be argued that next time when she is 10 minutes late they would say 'it was okay last time'

I wouldn't let other people's parenting choices affect your own.

I think this is great parenting.
she respected your wishes, she communicated and apologised that she couldn’t quite meet it, you accepted that.
seems a respectful & trusting relationship :D

Maybe I'd be different if it was a case of being g persistently late and not caring but in this case punishing her for 5 minutes would be like creating conflict for the sake of it.

Busses aren't always reliable, that's something you can learn to account for and they communicated with you, good decision. Heavy handed punishments can backfire and make people go fuck it and stop trying.

I think it’s fine, especially with public transport involved.

I ask for a text “Just got on the X-time bus/train from Y” when public transport is involved.
It’s sometimes delayed or even cancelled, but if it is normally due so that they meet the timeframe that has already been agreed, then that’s perfectly fine with me.

The buses and trains are half-hourly here. I don’t think it’s reasonable to require DC to arrive 35 minutes before the time we agreed, so that they aren’t ever 5 minutes late.

But when they are getting the bus or train, I would usually say “make sure you are on X time bus, because we need to go out.”

I suppose it would be different with buses every 10 minutes. I think you need to be flexible to your own situation.

I think it sounds like good parenting. It's better than her being so terrified of making it in time that she's darting across roads unsafely or one day in a few years time accepting a lift with the older boy who is someone's brothers friend because "mum will kill me if I'm not back!"

I think it helps to think of it somewhere in the range what would be acceptable if meeting a friend or turning up for work.

In both cases, being late by 5 minutes once and telling them in advance is likely to be fine. How many times you could get away with that depends on your situation and how strict you want to be.

More than once at work and you're probably not going to get any more grace and more than a couple of times and you're likely getting a good talking to and even disciplinary action.

It may be slightly more flexible with friends but if you start doing it anywhere approaching regularly they're going to find you a bit disrespectful.

Where you fall on that scale is personal preference.

However in both situations, if you started pushing it like some pp are describing (and I agree they have a good point and it's something to watch out for!) you are getting fired or losing friends. Being half an hour away and I'm leaving in five minutes but it's fine because I told you just wouldn't fly in any situation.

I think it might be good, since she's 12 and becoming independent, to have that conversation openly with her. That you're happy she let you know and that you're ok as it's a one off and you want her to get back both safely and promptly. However you want to be clear that it doesn't mean she can start pushing it. That in future she needs to be back by 3.30 because if being late becomes more than a very occasional thing you will have to (make curfew later, ground, whatever it would be).

As it is though I think she sounds considerate and sensible.

Punishing an almost teen for being 5 minutes late is just asking for them to rebel and hide things. I think your approach is exactly the right one.

It's fine. Ignore the nonsense from your friends.

Oh, and as a teenager once said to me "The most controlling parents have the sneakiest kids".

You're doing fine.

She dropped you a text to know she was a tiny bit late and you didn’t freak out at her. Sounds like a respectful relationship with good communication. You are fine.

I think in previous generations there was an element of worry that drove that sort of punitive response. When your dd can text you (and you can probably track her) it changes that.

I’d be happy with your dd. She was thoughtful enough to text you when she realised she wouldn’t make it. It sounds like she misjudged the timing, rather than she was pushing the boundary. And it was 5 minutes not 30.

Authoritarian parenting has always been problematic but in today’s world, with an open internet, and algorithm driven social media, maintaining open communication with dc is absolutely vital. We can’t protect them, by locking them up anymore. So we have to foster trust, respect and cooperation. Punishing for arbitrary reasons because you’re the adult and you can, is likely to backfire.

In the example you’ve given I’d just want to know what she had learned from the experience for next time.

Your friends are really weird. We are all five minutes late now and then, your daughter let you know and obviously was rushing to get back on time.

I also think it’s helpful to distinguish between “curfews” and “try to be back around x o clock”. Sometimes it doesn’t matter too much - aim for 3.30 so you don’t spend all day round your friends house eating their food. But sometimes it really matters “you must be back before 3.30 because we all have to leave the house at 3.45 and you need time to get changed” - so if you’re relying on public transport to get back you have to allow for problems and plan to get back beforehand.
I don’t like the “because I said so and I am the authority” school of parenting - so distinguishing between flexible and inflexible deadlines is important to me.

I think that’s fine no need to punish her at all! Very good that she text. My two had a rail crossing on their way home depending on route taken! I had many a message from them saying they were stuck at the crossing! We must have had an abnormal amount of very long trains all around 10pm 🙈 Teens take enough risks and there is no need to panic them into having an accident of some sort. Perfct punctuality seems controlling, more than half hour late with no explanation is probably when they need a strong reminder but giving them enough leeway that they don’t panic and run across a road is what we would give any other adult in our lives.

it sounds very successful

I have dd12 who is also going out now independently. As long as she contacted me to say she'd be a few minutes late then that's fine. Some things like buses are out of our control.

Some people are very rigid. They are the type of people who know best about things and lecture others on how to do things. To my mind rigid people rarely make the best parents. I would be taking the advice of rigid people with a large pinch of salt.

She sounds like a good kid. Sending you a msg to say she will be late before she is late . Saved you worrying .
I was always late as a teenager by less then 30 mins. And mostly it was because me and my friends would be chatting away and lost track of time .
Granted back then we didn't have mobile phones . So much easier now kids can txt and call .

I think it’s absolutely fine.

It was only 5 mins, she kept you in the loop. You didn’t overreact.

She sounds like a good kid.

Your friends are weird. It would be one thing if she'd disregarded the time completely, but just being 5 minutes late isn't worth getting stressed over.

If she's relying on public transport, you might want to look at timetables and see if you can plan your "curfew" times around that when you don't have urgent places to be after. It might be she can always be on time if you make it 3:45 rather than always being slightly late at 3:30. Everyone's happy that way, unlike when I was a teen and we had a lot of rows because my very strict curfew was 9pm but my only transport options got me home at 8:10 or 9:10.

I'm raising my daughter the same way you are raising yours and it is going fine. I suspect I may have to change strategies for her little brother as he responds better to really rigid boundaries. Or maybe he will change as he gets older and I won't need to. It seems that you've got a happy and harmonious household and didn't need to cause a row over nothing. I hope you had a nice time with your afternoon plans!
PS I was never given a curfew as a child / teen. I have never ever been late for work (less impressive these days now I'm on flexi time but back in the day I used to have to cycle across the city very fast as I had a collection of part time jobs!)

This is great parenting, she was only 5 minutes late and she informed you. Obviously if this becomes a pattern then you change your strategy, but I don’t think she needs to be punished for being 5 minutes late once.

I have 2 teenagers and would have reacted the same as you. As long as they stay in touch its ok. My oldest is 17 and I don't give him a curfew, but he will still always tell me what time he expects to be home and will message me if it ends up being later.