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Original poster

How would you discipline a 5 year old for saying this horrific thing?

439 replies

avata · 21/05/2024 17:53

My mum was looking after my five year old today while I was at work. She had told him he would have an ice cream from the shop next to the park after school, but by the time they had left the park it was fine for dinner so said it was now too late for an ice cream.

He kicked off massively in the shop, falling to the floor and screaming/shouting. He then ran off down the road and another parent went after him, whom he proceeded to also shout at.

He said to mum he hope she's gets run over by a car. She said that is an awful thing to say, particularly to family, he said he hopes she gets abandoned by her family.

I am so unbelievably cross, shocked and upset with him.

I'm not sure how to play this in terms of consequences and discipline?

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AGlinnerOfHope · 21/05/2024 17:56

That’s a five year old who’s been promised an ice cream and refused it.

Did anyone ask him whether he still wants it as it’s dinner time? Or whether he can wait until after tea and have a pudding then?

Effectively it’s like your boss deciding not to pay you this month because it’s practically next month already.

I think you tell him nanna is upset because that was a mean thing to say
You are upset because he ran off and didn’t stay safe.
He is upset because he missed the ice cream.

Everyone needs a hug, a hot chocolate and an early night.

Pinkypinkyplonk · 21/05/2024 17:58

I would, “ wow i can see you are really really cross, i hope all those things you said to…. Never happen to you because we all love you sooooo much. It’s ok to be cross, but sometimes we say words that can hurt people, and the words and the crossness don’t go together” then give him a hug!

if it’s persistent behaviour then you probably need to be a bit firmer but he’s 5!

You also need to talk to your mum about keeping promises, this really is on her!!

CountFucula · 21/05/2024 17:59

You can’t really expect
a. A kid to understand why you’ve said they can have an ice cream
and now they can’t.
b. A kid to have empathy about unkind words

no punishment needed just a reminder about using kind words and also a discussion about how adults also make mistakes!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Behaviour & development Families
Octavia64 · 21/05/2024 17:59

Well it's obvious why he said it.

Maybe she should stick to her promises next time.

LarryUnderwood · 21/05/2024 17:59

My son once told me he was going to throw me in the oven and then throw himself in the oven because of a disagreement over socks. They say extreme things because they have extreme feelings. I agree 💯 with @AGlinnerOfHope - hugs and an early night.

StripedTomatoes · 21/05/2024 17:59

Well, that's a lesson for your mum to not make promises to a child she can't keep!

BeeCucumber · 21/05/2024 17:59

He kicked off because he didn’t get the promised ice cream. I expect he was really looking forward to it and was bitterly disappointed when he was told no. I wouldn’t punish him - I would speak to your mother about keeping promises. Five year olds are not rational and cannot be reasoned with like an adult - so no punishment. Not having the ice cream was punishment enough.

AnnaSewell · 21/05/2024 18:00

I think he was understandably upset about a broken promise - perhaps at a point when he was tired and hungry after school. At the very least it might have been diplomatic to have partially kept the bargain by buying some sort of treat that could be eaten later on.

I don't think small children really understand what they are saying - in the way that older ones.

I tend to believe in immediate consequences rather than delayed ones, so am not really sure about sanctions.

But running away is potentially dangerous and it should be made clear that it was wrong of him to do that. If he does that again, it would mean losing out on an outing or treat.

Might it be worth saying to him that as and when he says sorry properly to his grandmother he can then have the promised ice cream....

Haggisfish3 · 21/05/2024 18:00

I agree. Kids always say this sort of stuff when experiencing strong emotions!

WhatNoRaisins · 21/05/2024 18:00

It sounds like he was pissed off and said the first nasty thing that came into his head. He's 5, you need to be more realistic here.

Echobelly · 21/05/2024 18:00

Yes, I'd say he is too young for 'punishment' about this (another year or two would be a different matter), I think @AGlinnerOfHope is spot on that he just needs to be told that was a very hurtful response and he upset his grandma by saying it and behaving in a way that put him in danger, but no more than that. Because in his mind not getting the icecream was a massive disappointment - he shouldn't have reacted that way, but he is only 5 so it needs to be put in proportion.

Original poster
avata · 21/05/2024 18:01

Thank you for your responses.

He is 5.5 and very bright/switched on for his age. He is able to thinking critically, and understand why he wasn't able to have an ice cream.

It's the hurtful things that have bothered me the most, because I know he knows how unkind that is.

I take into account everything you've said, and will speak to my mum as well.

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avata · 21/05/2024 18:03

A short discussion and lots of cuddles on the cards for us tonight!

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NotAllowed · 21/05/2024 18:03

Doesn’t matter, he’s still 5 years old. Adding an extra .5 of a year along with some adjectives doesn’t change that.

IncompleteSenten · 21/05/2024 18:03

Tell him it was an unkind thing to say and it's not nice to say things that hurt people's feelings.

He should be guided to feel himself that he would like to say sorry by walking him through it and how it would have felt to hear that etc.

And give him the opportunity to tell you how he felt too. Acknowledge his disappointment. Then you can talk about dealing with disappointment.

So often we focus on telling them off but we don't take time to put ourselves in their tiny little shoes.

That ice cream promise may seem trivial to you but you aren't a five year old who was promised a treat then told he wasn't getting it.

Did he behave appropriately? No. But he did behave like a child, because he is a child.

Anyone could have told you how that shit was going to go down.

MintSheep · 21/05/2024 18:05

I disagree with the people saying he should have just been given an ice cream - it's experiences like this that allow children to develop appropriate emotional responses, and clearly the one he gave was inappropriate but that is because he's five and it is going to happen sometimes. I think having a conversation to let him know that what he said was hurtful is definitely needed, maybe a chat with Grandma there as well? At the end of the day, children say hurtful things but as long as they are told it's wrong and are corrected there isn't much else that can be done.

Confortableorwhat · 21/05/2024 18:06

I think he's perfectly entitled to be upset at a promise not being kept. Aren't we all?

Original poster
avata · 21/05/2024 18:07

NotAllowed · 21/05/2024 18:03

Doesn’t matter, he’s still 5 years old. Adding an extra .5 of a year along with some adjectives doesn’t change that.

It doesn't, but six months at that age can mean a lot of emotional development. And the adjectives provide context to the kind of child he is, directly responding to comments regarding his emotional maturity.

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Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/05/2024 18:07

So he wants his grandmother to die because he couldn’t have an ice cream, and you all think that’s fine.

Next week on MN ‘ why don’t grandparents want to look after children thèse days?’.

thistimelastweek · 21/05/2024 18:07

I agree, no discipline just a chat about how we speak to our grannies and people in general.

However, I realise it's not the main point, but why was he even taken to the shop where he wasn't going to get the promised ice cream? Kinda rubbing salt in the wound.

DaffydownClock · 21/05/2024 18:07

He’s’…able to think critically’? Seriously? At 5 and a half? You must be joking.
Poor chap, his grandmother told him he couldn’t have the ice cream she’d promised him so wtf did she expect at his age?
All he’s learned is that she lies, you want to discipline him and he’s not getting ice cream he was looking forward to eating.
Give him a big hug, forget about punishing him and tell him he’s loved ffs.

Mountainleon · 21/05/2024 18:08

I generally say more 'we might get an ice cream'
Why did she go in the shop if no ice crean thats a bit mean.
Your dc probably just would have preferred to leave the park earlier.

I would still punish him though for running off (and the mean words) as he will do at school otherwise.

takemeawayagain · 21/05/2024 18:08

I agree with no punishment, you just can't take anything a child says personally.

Your mum was majorly in the wrong here - what did she think would happen when she promised him an ice cream and then said he couldn't have it? Did she even explain that he could have it after tea? Or was that just it - sorry the window of opportunity has now closed? I couldn't blame a 5 year old for behaving like that at all - that would be considered a huge betrayal at that age!

Confortableorwhat · 21/05/2024 18:08

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/05/2024 18:07

So he wants his grandmother to die because he couldn’t have an ice cream, and you all think that’s fine.

Next week on MN ‘ why don’t grandparents want to look after children thèse days?’.

He doesn't "want" his grandmother to die and if he did, not saying it wouldn't change that.

He's lashing out because someone he trusted let him down.

TheRainItRaineth · 21/05/2024 18:08

Next time your mum should get the ice cream at the start of the park visit, not the end. She should also keep her promises. He would probably have been completely fine if she had said 'it's too late for an ice cream before dinner now because it will stop you being hungry for dinner, but afterwards we can walk down to the shop and get it then' or something. From your son's perspective, he was promised something and your mum changed her mind for no apparent reason and broke her promise. No wonder he was upset. He wanted to hurt her as much as she had hurt him. He is only five.

Having said that, you should tell him that you completely understand why he was upset, buy him the ice cream (or get your mum to do it, ideally) but that the things he said were pretty mean and he should say sorry. Your mum should also apologise for breaking her promise and explain how she will make it right before he says sorry for the things he said. She should also tell him that she understands why he was upset, that it was her fault, and that she understands why he said things he probably didn't really mean.