How would you discipline a 5 year old for saying this horrific thing?

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My mum was looking after my five year old today while I was at work. She had told him he would have an ice cream from the shop next to the park after school, but by the time they had left the park it was fine for dinner so said it was now too late for an ice cream.

He kicked off massively in the shop, falling to the floor and screaming/shouting. He then ran off down the road and another parent went after him, whom he proceeded to also shout at.

He said to mum he hope she's gets run over by a car. She said that is an awful thing to say, particularly to family, he said he hopes she gets abandoned by her family.

I am so unbelievably cross, shocked and upset with him.

I'm not sure how to play this in terms of consequences and discipline?

I have twins with adhd and asd and they would have reacted exactly like your son did.

We've had so many discussions about not hurting people's feelings, don't say mean things etc but in that moment the anger takes over and they have no concept of what they're saying. They're just trying to say the worst thing they can think of because they're angry that a promise has been broken.

Mine are 7 and they're starting to understand. I tell them it's fine to be angry but it's not on to be rude or offensive to people. It's a long hard slog.

I never, ever promise ice cream if I'm not absolutely positive i can deliver. If we end up running late, they have the ice cream and have dinner later or have a smaller dinner.

I don’t think you can discipline him now as it’s too long after it occurred. A chat once he had calmed down would suffice to explain it’s a very unkind thing to say and you don’t want to hear him say that again.

You say that he’s very switched on but regardless of this, 5 years old is still very young and the promise of ice cream shouldn’t have been made if there was the chance that he wasn’t going to get one.

*I am sorry, but you are massively over estimating his cognitive ability and emotional ability and capacity to self-regulate. It’s easy to do with your own kid, especially if they are articulate, but he’s still a very young child with very immature emotional intelligence and only just starting out on his cognitive development and with a lot to learn about regulation.

Expecting him to manage his emotions at the unexpected withdrawal of a promised treat is placing a burden of expectation on him he is not developmentally able to meet.*

I think you've misunderstood me. I don't expect him to manage his emotions as a five year old, let alone following a broken promise from a grown up.

I don’t really blame him. He is 5 and was promised an ice cream. Then told he can’t have it. Ice creams are big deals to 5 year olds!

I’d try and develop some empathy in him by asking in a calm, kind way how he thought grandma felt about his words and actions. Once he’d reflected appropriately, I’d just let it go.

So it is ok to break promises and if the person protests in strong verbal words, then the one breaking the promise is somehow the victim?

Dont you realise that our behaviour as adults sets the model they follow as adults?

So you teach the boy the above,,,Nana is the victim,,,he is the disgusting horrible person.

He grows up, promises a girl marriage and then breaks his promise and she tells him off in a way that hurts his feelings. He will think he is the victim…right because that’s the example he has been taught from age 5. Because life doesn’t work out the way we expect so promises are worthless, so she should have the engagement ring shoved up her arse for hurting his feelings?

There's a good reason the age of criminal responsibility isn't 5 though.

Yep, that's exactly how it always works out when a child can't have an ice cream.

Just wondering how your mum parented you? Did she do similar- inconsistent promises?

Definitely think long term here, not on for your child to speak like that to anyone. I used to say that’s playground talk, I don’t want to hear it.

I think its important not to put your child down, but teach them that we interact differently with different people.

You say your son is bright, but maybe he’s more immature than you think

I definitely do think your mum is at fault. You can’t promise something that someone is really looking forward to - and then just not do it.

There can be a tendency to be too indulgent of children these days, but in the past some adults pulled rank on children too much. That’s why I’m asking how your mum was when you were young. Be careful you’re not avoiding speaking to your mum as well as your son.

It’s called ‘bringing them up’ for a reason.
Agree about hugs and hot chocolate

I've worked with lots of excellent reception teachers. I've never met one who would make a promise they wouldn't keep to 5yos

I'm not always a fan of gentle parenting but the part I have the most time for is having realistic and age appropriate expectations of behaviour.

I agree with PP that it's important to reinforce that it's ok to feel disappointed and angry but that the behaviour isn't ok. It's a long process obviously.

He's a 5 year old who was told he could have an ice-cream, and then, when he was tired and hungry, told he couldn't after all. So he lashed out like a tired and hungry 5 year old. Actually your mum needs to see that she caused it. Maybe he could apologise and she could too, with an ice cream!!!

@Adhdmumofadhdtwins
I never, ever promise ice cream if I'm not absolutely positive i can deliver.

Same. They have to be able to trust us.

Okay, the replies to this post are going a long way to explain why so many children are such obnoxious little nightmares these days.
There is nothing okay about what this child said. If he'd thrown a strop, fine. Talking to his grandma like that is appalling and, if it were my child, I'd be expressing some serious disappointment and explaining that wishing horrible things happen to people is not acceptable. I would be asking the child to apologise to grandma and give her a big hug.
I'd also be asking grandma to be careful not to promise something that she may not be able to follow up on.
I've always believed in talking things through with my 3 ( now all 16 upwards) , I've never hit them or shamed them, preferring to help them recognise the affect they can have with their words. But I would be horrified at this too.

It is when a child has a childhood full of promises repeatedly broken and then forced to apologise to the promise breaker for daring to be upset about it. It starts with ice creams.

I would have kicked off as well.

Awful behaviour from your mother.

Sooo... Instead it's much better to teach a male that they can make death threats if someone disapponts them... (I'm being as hyperbolic as you)

Yeah I’m sure when he’s an adult, his girlfriend forgetting ice cream at the shop will deserve to be told she should be run over.

No, it's better to teach a male that even if someone is smaller, weaker and less powerful you still have to take their thoughts, feelings and wishes into account and behave kindly.

He is able to thinking critically, and understand why he wasn't able to have an ice cream

Lol.

Only to a very limited degree. Because even if he's unusually bright, he's still five.

You described him as very bright and switched on and able to understand why he can’t have the ice cream. He couldn’t.

You describe him as able to understand why what he said was so unkind. He couldn’t. Empathy isn’t fully developed till he is 25.

Tbf the mood I'm today I might say worse if someone got between me and a promised treat.

I'm hardly a soft parent but the promise of a treat after something is usually a bribe, he kept up his end. Granny should have kept an eye on the time.

No, that’s not ok either and the boy didn’t make a death threat. It would technically be a death wish, if he understood death, but he doesn’t,

I think it's possible to both understand his disappointment and frustration, while also having a serious talk about mean words and how they make other people feel.

What he said was pretty horrible, and I'd be making sure he knew how disappointed I was that he said such hurtful things to Granny and that they're not acceptable. But he's only 5 and wouldn't appreciate how awful, and was tired and upset about ice cream, so I wouldn't panic that you've raised a sociopath just yet!