How would you discipline a 5 year old for saying this horrific thing?

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My mum was looking after my five year old today while I was at work. She had told him he would have an ice cream from the shop next to the park after school, but by the time they had left the park it was fine for dinner so said it was now too late for an ice cream.

He kicked off massively in the shop, falling to the floor and screaming/shouting. He then ran off down the road and another parent went after him, whom he proceeded to also shout at.

He said to mum he hope she's gets run over by a car. She said that is an awful thing to say, particularly to family, he said he hopes she gets abandoned by her family.

I am so unbelievably cross, shocked and upset with him.

I'm not sure how to play this in terms of consequences and discipline?

Sounds like you all forget that he's still 5.

You don't make promises you can't or might not keep. It's massive to a little kid.

But he was punished before the melt down. From his point of view, withholding of promised ice cream was a pretty severe punishment.

This thread is a prime example of "gentle parenting" gone wrong. Acknowledging feelings doesn't mean allowing bad behaviour

I don’t believe in gentle parenting and I was a strict parent to my now nearly adult children and I believe the poor child was totally justified in his reaction. His GM promised him an ice cream and even went into the bloody shop, then told him he couldn’t have it because she had left it too late. ALL of this was her fault and could’ve easily been avoided.

I wouldn’t tolerate my child speaking like that to an adult in normal circumstances but Granny brought this all on herself and the poor boy not getting his ice cream was punishment enough.

I don't deny that children and teenagers can struggle to manage their emotions. But they can and should have control. You're excusing poor behaviour. It's not ok for anyone to hit, verbally abuse or similar just because they have experienced a disappointment. The more you excuse it, the more likely your child is to excuse it themselves.

He just wanted his ice cream as planned.

Your poor son.

She doesn’t hit. She’s never hit anyone since she was a toddler. She usually shouts that her life is ruined and sometimes says she hates me/her sister/dad etc. whoever has wronged her. She gets told off for saying it.
I think we’re all guilty of having hormonal rages. I know mine are getting worse with perimenopause, so I cut her some slack

👏👏👏👏👏

So in 10 minutes you have gone from wanting to give consequences and punishment, to giving lots of cuddles after a short discussion?

Your mum shouldn’t have gone back on her promise of ice cream. Though he definitely should not have said what he did to her afterwards!
As he is five it is probably a bit late to punish now, as he may not understand what the punishment is for. A quick tap on the backside at the time from your mum may have been appropriate after he said the 2nd thing….

even if he was the most emotionally mature 5 year old that ever was, he’s still a 5 year old who was promised an ice cream that he was looking forward to and then it got taken away. He then unsurprisingly lost all control because he didn’t know how to handle his disappointment and anger. I would talk to him about what he said but I would tell nana that if she promises something to a 5 year old she needs to follow through with it.

You think that the nana should have given him a smack when he was massively upset about the ice cream she refused to give him after promising it? Do you honesty think that would help in any way?

Not the popular opinion on this thread but I would not be ok with this behavior over an ice cream. Things happen plans change. To justify it as he was let down by someone he trusts is a bit much. It was an ice cream not anything more. Does it make us frustrated when plans change yes. But a tantrum and such language regardless of saying in anger, not meaning it, is not ok.

As a grandmother I'd have bought the Ice cream and let him off having tea, if he wasn't hungry. it's not going to harm him if he just had some toast or cereal before bed as long as its a one off, not on a regular basis She shouldn't have said yes in the first place, then let him down.

Great question OP and I think the first reply nailed it.
Basically his brain exploded with emotion and opened up the part of his memory with all the worst things he knew and they all came pouring out.
Better than a violent episode, so that's a win.
I would say at that age you can easily role play it and include whatever appropriate behaviour you would prefer.
So hard to think of an example to do it each way but perhaps he promises you he will tidy up his toys with you, then you tell him it's time, then he says ok let's leave them out as I'll play again tomorrow. Then you express your strong feelings without hurting his or being controlling. And move on.
Then repeat the other way around with the ice cream scenario and he can practise.

Can be quite useful on both sides to replay things. Good luck!

He may intellectually understand.

Emotionally he can't easily cope with the disappointment.

He's only 5 - cut him some slack and tell your mum she shouldn't break her promises. Even if he didn't want any dinner after the ice cream, he woun't die from vitamin deficiency in a day.

Sweet jesus. Smack him?
Are you for real.
The day my mother put a hand on my child would be the last day she ever saw us.
I actually cannot beleive you think thats ok.
Thats disgusting.

He's a child who lost control and lashed out. He may be bright as a button, but his self-control is still developing.

He's smart and he's been around long enough to have a better idea than, say a toddler, of what will hit home and really hurt.

He needs to apologise to his grandmother for saying the things he did. But in future grandma needs to keep her promises. A ruined appetite for dinner is better than a broken promise. Sometimes I let my children eat their pudding first and the world hasn't imploded yet.

Cross-post @tillytoodles1

Great minds . . . 😁

I would have a talk with him.

1. Explain that sometimes plans change, timings don't work out. Acknowledge he was upset and why, and it's ok/understandable to be upset.

1. It is not ok to speak to people like that. I expect you to say sorry to granny next time (and i expect granny to say sorry too, would explain that to granny separately)

1. It is definitely not ok to run off. Under any circumstances. I would be very cross and stern about this.

Hug and I love you at the end.

“You are allowed to be upset, you are allowed to be disappointed but you are not allowed to say hurtful words”

Ive used this line on my DC1 a few times in not dissimilar situations. There absolutely needs to be a boundary established for saying hurtful words and a 5 year old is old enough to learn this. I would also make sure that DC apologised to grandma.

I cannot fathom those posters who say because a child is 5 that they can basically say whatever they like that that they hope that somebody dies because they’ve been denied an ice cream? You are not helping your child face the world if you condone behaviour like this at age 5. This doesn’t mean asking them to stifle their natural emotions or being sympathetic to their responses, but you have to teach them how hurtful words can be and that there will be consequences if they keep using them in this way.

I have a very smart almost-five-and-a-half year old. There's no way he would understand what he was saying in the way you think yours does. They just say the worst thing they can think of - probably what they've heard an adult say - and repeat it to shock.

You say 'That's not a kind thing to say, we don't talk like that', and get them to bed early. No punishment required, there's no point after the event anyway.

I’m really shocked at the responses on this thread. Who cares about the ice cream “promise” being broken? His behaviour is much more concerning. What if the ice cream wasn’t available for another reason? Is his behaviour still okay? Presumably at some point he will have to process disappointment and not having his own way. What if he had to leave his fun activity early to get the ice cream on time, and then also acted this way as he didn’t want to leave early - it’s a slippery slope

My parents would never have let me act like this at his age. He’s obviously a kid that’s used to getting his own way, I wouldn’t be going out of my way to comfort him in this instance. He needs a gentle conversation that his behaviour was also hurtful and the ice cream really isn’t that relevant

Yes I am a bit shocked at this too. He is very little, but he definitely needs to be told not to say things like that!

If I'd been told I couldn't have had an ice cream I'd have gone "oooohhhhh" in a whiney voice and then shut up. I wouldn't have kicked off like that!

We wonder why children are so misbehaved these days. Shocking! Ok he's only 5, so obviously didn't fully know what he was saying. If that was my son I'd make it very clear that although I understand he's upset he didn't get his ice cream, that is a disgusting way to speak to grandma, it upset her, and he will apologise for saying such hurtful things before he receives any kind of 'treat'. (This isn't an insult to your son at all, my son can say rude things in an outburst as well.)

I'm all for allowing kids to have their emotional outbursts when needed, but they need to learn it's not ok to be unkind to people, especially grandma!

Imagine if a teacher told the class they could play a game at the end of the day.. but then there wasn't time. Would it be ok for the kids to tell the teacher to basically die? Of course not.