How would you discipline a 5 year old for saying this horrific thing?

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My mum was looking after my five year old today while I was at work. She had told him he would have an ice cream from the shop next to the park after school, but by the time they had left the park it was fine for dinner so said it was now too late for an ice cream.

He kicked off massively in the shop, falling to the floor and screaming/shouting. He then ran off down the road and another parent went after him, whom he proceeded to also shout at.

He said to mum he hope she's gets run over by a car. She said that is an awful thing to say, particularly to family, he said he hopes she gets abandoned by her family.

I am so unbelievably cross, shocked and upset with him.

I'm not sure how to play this in terms of consequences and discipline?

He may be all of these things but the behaviour he exhibited is developmentally appropriate.

Discipline was the wrong word.

I meant how do I tackle it and really get across how unacceptable it is to speak to someone like that.

I absolutely empathise with him and understand how disappointing it must've been for him. Which he knows.

Thank you everyone.

Were they late leaving the park because he was dicking about and not coming when told or due to her time management? That is also a factor.

He needs to apologise. If the latter, so does she. Then move on.
’abandoned by family’ is a big concept for a 5 year old… where is getting those ideas?

Can't get better than that answer tbh!

Of course he didn’t actually want his grandmother die. He was pissed off that a promise was broken and he didn’t get what he really wanted and expected.

Have you never said anything you didn’t mean?

Tbf I don’t think that’s “horrific” for a 5 year old. It’s practically playground insults.

I thought you were going to say he’s made racially abusive or inappropriate remarks or something like that.

Poor kid looking forward to his ice cream. That as very unfair of your mum. He was wrong to say it, but he's only five.

Your mum is the one at fault here. My grandchild would be massively upset over being promised an ice cream and then told no.
It's done now, so just let it go, except for having a word to your mum about keeping promises to children.

He is not emotionally mature and skilled at critical thinking at five just because he can make a good guess on how others may feel. He is five!! Being able to do those things and actually understand and feel those things are very different. Lower your expectations.

I'd have a quick chat and move on but your mum should have covered all that needed to be covered at the time

He must be quite a good boy generally for this to be such a big deal. I would tell him you understand why he was upset but his response was dangerous and hurt Grandma's feelings so he needs to say sorry to her. I would tell him if something like that happens again and he is sensible at the time he can come to you and you will make sure he gets something nice to make up for missing out on the promised treat.

I would not punish a 5yo for that, although admittedly mine did act like this at the same age (public meltdowns over perceived massive injustice, broken promises and hypocrisy) and it was one of the red flags for their later diagnoses with ASD.

I agree no 5yo understands death/dying so doesn’t understand the full impact of saying what he said in an outburst of anger during a meltdown.

I wouldn’t have a talk with them about being kind and not hurting Nana’s feelings unless you are prepared to acknowledge that Nana wasn’t kind to him and also hurt his feelings first. Because in his mind, a broken promise of an ice cream cone is of a heavier weight than a throw away mean comment.

You should talk to your mum about breaking promises and also that if you hurt a child’s feelings by breaking promises you can hardly expect a child that young not to get upset and not to retaliate. A 5yo (ASD or not) cannot regulate their emotions such that they can take their feelings being hurt and not retaliate in kind.

Gosh, these comments are making me re-evaluate some things! I have a 5.5 year old boy and I would have been appalled at him acting this way, just like OP. I would have been sympathetic about the missed ice cream but would absolutely make it clear that his words were not acceptable. I would have sat him down to write an apology note to grandma. Now I'm thinking I may be expecting too much from him! Honestly as parents sometimes we can't win - either too permissive or too authoritarian apparently!

Why couldn’t he have a back to front dinner and dessert first ?

If you can't be sure that your ten year old can control their actions enough not to say mean things about people, you should be teaching her to manage her emotions better.

It's fine to be pissed off. It's not ok to throw insults etc. All ten year olds should understand this unless there are additional needs.

I'm surprised at people saying it was the GP fault. I mean, sure, but have you never got yourself in this type of pickle with a small child? I know I have. The answer to the kid's throwing a tantrum because he was disappointed is not making sure he's never disappointed. It's helping him learn to cope with disappointment (which comes with age too). A little chat, as you're planning, about how disappointing it was about the ice cream, and how angry grandma said he seemed. We feel angry when we're disappointed sometimes and that's ok, but it's not ok to say things that might hurt people's feelings etc etc.

I wonder if your mum talked about it being silly to be upset or that it didn't matter about the ice cream? Might be time for a chat with her about how she would feel if you promised her something and then changed your mind. I'm sure she gets it though.

Yeah I feel like this. My 6 year old would be devastated at being promised an ice cream then not getting it. Ofc he needs to learn to not say things like that but ffs u don't need to be horrified and punishing him for this.

My 8 year old still wouldn’t cope well with a situation like that - what he has learnt maybe in the last year is to deal with his disappointment in a better way. It doesn’t matter if he is mature, He’s a child who was promised an ice cream which is a very big deal and he lost his shit.

I’d just chat with him about how he really hurt her feelings and work out things to do if he feels he is losing the plot, my 8 year old does sums in his head and takes deep breaths.

It is obvious he’s heard that from somewhere he doesn’t understand the gravity of what he’s saying the plans were changed he was looking forward to something he should’ve just been given the icecream god

OP, I would tell him straight that life doesn't always work out the way we expect (because it fucking doesn't, whether you're 5 or 50 years old). I would then tell him to apologise to his poor grandmother and that there will be consequences if he ever speaks or behaves like that again. Those were disgusting things to say and if my son had said that to my mother he'd have had an ice cream up his sweet, 5 year old little arse.

No wonder there's a shortage of teachers if they have to hear this bile from 5 year olds and indulgent, jingoistic crap from parents.

I kind of think that actually the mindset that you can be awful and badly behaved and there will be no consequences is far more likely to manifest in a child (who is a person, even if not fully formed) who has had promises broken and his reasonable upset, in a five year old's terms, at this ignored. Being on the end of that kind of behaviour is likely to produce a person who thinks they can break their promises, behave badly and face no consequences. This is what the grandma has done. The child has seen an adult behaving like this and that there are no consequences for breaking a promise and upsetting someone. They both need to apologise and recognise that they were both being unreasonable.

If you want to discuss with him why what he said was hurtful then why don't you just ask him why he said that. And how he thinks gran may feel when she heard it. All whilst acknowledging his frustration.
So I know you were very cross with granny because of the ice cream, but when you said you wanted her to br run over, how do you think granny felt? Even if we are angry with someone, we can hurt people with the words we say. So next time why don't you tell granny how you are feeling instead? Tell granny that you are cross because you wanted an ice cream

Etc

I am sorry, but you are massively over estimating his cognitive ability and emotional ability and capacity to self-regulate. It’s easy to do with your own kid, especially if they are articulate, but he’s still a very young child with very immature emotional intelligence and only just starting out on his cognitive development and with a lot to learn about regulation.

Expecting him to manage his emotions at the unexpected withdrawal of a promised treat is placing a burden of expectation on him he is not developmentally able to meet.

10 year olds are hormonal AF. Their emotions are all over the place. They have absolutely no control over them whatsoever, which if you’ve ever parented a girl who is growing up you’d know. There is no SEN. Just a kid who is going through puberty and the slightest inconvenience feels like the world is ending

I dunno, I don’t make promises and then break them. I have never been in this situation? I think many parents and GPs will promise things to kids as it is an easy way to manipulate them into going along with a shopping trip or doing something they don’t really want to do. To keep them quiet and placid by promising a reward.

Oh please - try getting a grip