Elderly MIL driving car with DC

[Eleano]

Hi Mumsnet,

Me and my DH are expecting our first DC. My MIL and FIL are both 80 years old. They told us yesterday that they're going to buy a car seat for our DC for their car. Initially I was touched but then I thought about it again and I'm pretty sure I'll be worrying about it closer to the time.

My MIL seems sharp but she does get flustered easily when driving. Her reflexes are slow but she drives carefully. My FIL on the other hand, is suffering from the early stages of dementia and his driving abilities are deteriorating but luckily he avoids driving for that reason although my MIL gets annoyed and tired and sometimes forces him to drive.

We don't intend on having them babysit until DC js 9 months old but that's still very young and they will be 81 by then and now I can foresee all sorts of difficult conversations, given that my MIL will be coming to ours for 5 hours a day, 3 times a week to babysit for 4 months (and then DC will do full-time nursery). My mat leave pay/company benefits are poor and I earn more than DH so those 4 months of reduced childcare costs will really help us. I never envisioned MIL needing to drive DC around during that time since everything is within walking distance.

Would you let people in their 80s drive your DCs around? What would you do in my position?

If you have doubts, then no. In your position, to try and not offend, I’d say “Aw that’s so kind of you! Please don’t worry though as if you need to take them anywhere I’ll move our car seat to your car.” And then make sure that never happens.

No, never. You have described someone in their 80s who gets frustrated when driving, and who lets a man with Dementia drive when she's tired. Why would you risk your child's life?!

You can’t seriously expect an 81 year old person to provide 5 hours of childcare for an infant 3 times a week for 4 months! Totally unreasonable of you!

Your 81 year old MIL will be “babysitting” a 4 month old 5 hours per day x 3 days a week ! Thats not baby sitting that’s childcare.

You're exploiting an elderly woman whose husbands has dementia. Pay for professional childcare and let your in-laws enjoy being grandparents.

This. Madness.

You can't use an 80 year old for childcare. She won't be up to it. Couple of hour, yes. 5 hours 3 times a week for four months? Absolutely not. It's not safe, and it's not fair - not fair on the 80 year old or the child or you. It just won't work. Sorry to be brutal but it really won't.

I agree with pp but then your position is different. You are entrusting your baby with your mil for 5 hours a day three times a week - which is a statement of your belief in her competence. So it’s a bit rich to dictate she can to drive with the baby.

In a million years, I wouldn’t ask a MiL with the exhausting worry and responsibility of caring for someone with dementia to also drive to my house and babysit my baby for a large portion of the day several times a week.

At the very least i would expect you to set up the babysitting so you take the baby to her house not expect her to come to yours. She will be putting your baby for naps (exhausting), weaning your baby, and overseeing that wriggly, curious, oftentimes dangerous, starting-to-walk phase of your dc’s life.

I know 80-somethings can be US Presidents but my general experience is that they are slowing down and I think it’s a huge ask of them. I realise you’re in a difficult position financially but I don’t think you can have it both ways. You trust them, or you don’t.

I think you are expecting a lot from your mil in terms of childcare. Is there any reason why you could not take the baby to her house to make it a bit easier for her. I would still be reluctant to expect that many hours of childcare.

I do sympathise with the car dilemma though. I had the same situation with my fil and in the end I just had to make it a firm no. He just wasn't safe in the car and I was not putting my child in any danger just to spare his feelings.

This. Don’t let them buy it knowing it will be wasted.
Totally agree having a flustered 80 year old doing childcare is a big ask.

Just say they outgrow the baby seat so quickly it’s not worth buying 2, and that you can move yours. Then just don’t. DC hates the car, and always cries but they love a walk to the shops etc.

That said though I don’t know if having an 81YO babysit a 9-13 month old baby 3 times a week for 5 hours a day is a good idea. That’s the peak mobile climbing everywhere absolute liability age. If I had the option of a good nursery I’d take that everytime. Plus it’s an awful lot to ask of MIL especially when her husband has dementia. She’s going to be completely exhausted and it sounds like she’s not a good judge of age related limitations hence still driving, and worse still asking FIL to drive so I wouldn’t necessarily take her at her word that she’s fine to do it.

This will be too much for your in-laws. They aren’t up to providing childcare for an infant, let alone the driving issue.

If you want her to care for the child, how do you expect her to get out and about with the child without the car.

If you dont want one, then the other cant happen really

Er, the normal way - walking, with the child in a pram. I managed fine without a car and was out and about all the time.

Just coming on here to echo pp concerns about the amount of childcare needed and ages of grandparents. My youngest is 4 and my parents are 5 years younger than yours and would massively struggle with this energy wise even now. They already say they can’t keep up if she runs off and this is a (reasonably) compliant school age child.

It was a completely different story for my 11 yo as they were younger and could have managed but no way will they cope with the energy levels needed for this amount of childcare.
Sorry OP but I think I would find an alternative plan in your shoes.

81 year old providing childcare 3 times per week >>>😮

This plan has disaster written all over it. Both parties are being irresponsible: you and DP for asking 80-something grandparents to provide childcare; and grandparents for agreeing in the first place.

Driving is the least of your issues.

You cannot add to the considerable stress your MIL is under by asking her to look after a young baby for three days a week. What on earth are you thinking?

You need a different plan. Things can change very quickly at that age.

At 80, my MIL was fit, active, driving halfway across the country and playing competitive bridge. At 81, she was housebound and dependent on carers.

Yikes OP, they are too elderly to provide this level of childcare, let alone to drive around with your baby. You need a new plan, I’m afraid.

Shocking and entirely selfish of you OP and very clear this is a first child
My parents are in their 80's and 90's. They are in great health, mobile and still drive. However I can not in a million years imagine my DD asking them to look after a baby. If either parent has dementia they should not be driving