Elderly MIL driving car with DC

[Eleano]

Hi Mumsnet,

Me and my DH are expecting our first DC. My MIL and FIL are both 80 years old. They told us yesterday that they're going to buy a car seat for our DC for their car. Initially I was touched but then I thought about it again and I'm pretty sure I'll be worrying about it closer to the time.

My MIL seems sharp but she does get flustered easily when driving. Her reflexes are slow but she drives carefully. My FIL on the other hand, is suffering from the early stages of dementia and his driving abilities are deteriorating but luckily he avoids driving for that reason although my MIL gets annoyed and tired and sometimes forces him to drive.

We don't intend on having them babysit until DC js 9 months old but that's still very young and they will be 81 by then and now I can foresee all sorts of difficult conversations, given that my MIL will be coming to ours for 5 hours a day, 3 times a week to babysit for 4 months (and then DC will do full-time nursery). My mat leave pay/company benefits are poor and I earn more than DH so those 4 months of reduced childcare costs will really help us. I never envisioned MIL needing to drive DC around during that time since everything is within walking distance.

Would you let people in their 80s drive your DCs around? What would you do in my position?

Even if your MIL is perfectly confident and able to look after the child (and I share everyone’s doubts) I think you and she are underestimating what a commitment this is. In my experience 80 year olds have a lot of minor health niggles and doctors appointments, follow up checks etc. This will be especially true given the dementia situation. It is going to be difficult to fit that in around your schedule. We see posts from here all the time about grandparents ‘letting people down’ in situations like this. And one fall could put either of them out of action for months, leaving you with very little notice to find alternative care.
What is your plan B for:
The days one of them needs to go to the doctors
The days the child has an infectious illness and the grandparents don’t want to come for fear of catching it (chest infections can be a serious illness for the elderly)
The days when one of them is ill.
The situation where the child is too heavy for them to lift/too fast for them to catch?

Is FIL planning to be there too? If his dementia means (if not now, then later) that he can’t be left, your MIL will need to be watching two unpredictable and unsafe people at once. This just isn’t safe.

And my grandmother walked twelve, yes twelve miles every day. Didn't make her any more capable.
If you're there all day you don't need MIL present for so many hours probably, its not fair, the tiredness f dealing with a baby ii not the same as any other kind of tiredness or level of wearing - I say that as someone who has been a professional dancer for all my life.
You've Said said she gets tired and flustered. Start considering g a plan b in case. Look at chilminders/ home helps that could pop in for a couple if hours you can condense meetings into.

Cross posted with your update. In my experience, a child that age will not leave his/her mother alone to work if they are in the same house together, let alone the same room. Even if there is someone else looking after them.

I really think you need a plan b childcare plan. A nine month old can be crawling and very active. With the best will in the world a woman who has a husband with dementia may have enough on her plate.

it isn't about physical ability as such. It's reaction time and concentration. I don't think you are appreciating how challenging childcare can be.

Your little one may also not be happy to be in the same place without access to you making it very stressful on you and PIL.

Given what you have written I wouldn't want her driving or taking on childcare as her decisions are currently questionable - you need full wits about you with babies

In a nutshell…

She Might be able to do headstands, but she gets flustered when driving and will be 81….

I really think you need a new childcare plan. Are your parents younger/available?

You lost me at you’re happy for them to babysit for 5 hours a day 3 days a week. Sorry but if you’re fine with that then they are fine to drive them wherever they want. If you trust someone with your baby’s care then you do just that. Trust them to care for them as they see fit. Not with stipulations

Unless the OP is self employed, her employer is unlikely to be impressed if she doesn’t have childcare for her entire working day! You can’t just say that you will only be making yourself available for meetings for 2 hours in a working day or not be at your desk responding to emails and actually doing the tasks you are being paid to do because you are looking after an active toddler during working hours.

To be honest I've had these worries and I've been trying to talk to DH about them to set up a plan B (we're talking a year away thankfully) but DH keeps insisting that everything will be fine but he's always been over optimistic with things he has no experience of so now with this thread I will just ignore him and either reserve a place at nursery for 5 days a week or hire a childminder (if I can find one) for 3 days a week. That was my initial plan (childminder + nursery) but friends and family put me off saying the bureaucracy for the former is a nightmare.

You will have to overrule your husband many times for your child’s safety. Politeness and discussions go out the window when there is a baby involved.

Book the nursery. Good luck.

Book a nursery. Tell your DH you can always cancel it nearer the time (you won't).

Sì in summary you do t trust their ability to drive at all with your kids BUT you think they are fit and cognitively able to provide 5hrs childcare 4 days a week.

there is a cognitive disconnect there. 5hrs daytime child care for a crawling baby is intense …

Use a nursery - occasional help whilst you’re at home is enough when they’re elderly.
The driving would be a complete no-no - for now I’d tell them you want to use your own car seat rather than then buy one. Then if it comes up you can say no you don’t want anyone else driving with your baby.

Can you do a 4 day week for awhile? 3 days childminder and 2 days nursery or 2 and 2 sounds good to me.

You may find your baby prefers consistency though so 4/5 days at nursery or childminder might be better.

I don't see why a childminder involves paperwork for you - they give you a price and a contract and you pay it. Are they getting confused with a nanny where you do have to do their taxes, employment contract etc.

I remember coming to MN asking for advice on how to pin down an active ten month to change his nappy, he could crawl by then and took badly to having to lay still for even five seconds, Giving him Fireman Sam to watch on on my phone didn’t work anymore. once he’d discovered he could get from one side of the room via his hands and knees.
MN came good and helped out. It was lie him down and pin him down with one of my legs. I had knees that worked then and could get up and down off the floor quite well. Unlike now. My knees creak like a rusty door and if anything falls in the floor it stays there until DH picks it up.

I agree with this, but also, thats a lot you are expecting of your MIL. My parents are struggling looking after my 2 year old just now, once a week for 7.5 hours. We don't allow them to drive with our youngest any more as they've not shown great judgement in the past. So they couldn't get his 360 degree carseat turned from sideways back to rear facing so just drove with him facing out the window. If they'd rung and asked, or even asked his older brother we'd have told them again how to do it. They can't admit they are struggling though so that makes is harder too. We're currtrying to get out of the arrangement without hurting too many feelings

OP - definitely book the nursery/childminder

That's not to say your MIL can't look after DC when the time comes (babies get sick, you'll want the occasional evening out or Saturday trip out shopping/ coffee baby free)
But organised child care will take the pressure off

At their age, things can deteriorate so quickly anyway, if you don't get a proper place booked in now, you may not be able to get one in time if something were to go wrong with MiL/FIL ( which should be a key argument to your DH if needed)

I e just seen your update OP, and if you're going to be working from home, I wouldn't have a second's hesitation in accepting the offer of childcare from your mother in law. Your baby will benefit so much more from being cared for by a loving grandparent than a carer in a nursery or childminder, and if you're at home, you will be able to see for yourself if you have any concerns about the arrangement.

I agree with this. Two hours a day, once a week, maximum at their age . You need to look into a childminder there is government help available - they will struggle with lifting and running after a crawler and changing nappies when they want to roll around and fight being changed. My mum is much younger and already struggles with my baby and can’t look after him alone

By 9 months old your baby maybe walking or climbing or will only be a few months off it. I think your underestimating how much attention a toddler will need and how little work you will get done while you’re in the same room as them.

I have my nearly 10 month old asleep in my arms at the moment.

Every day is exhausting. There are days when I really shouldn't be driving as I'm so tired from chasing her round, feeding etc. She is also noisy. A chattering screaming squealing normal child. You won't be able to work in the same room as her. Even with another adult.
She will want your attention. You are mummy, the be all and end all. If she sees you, she wants you.
Get childcare out of the home, or work elsewhere

I was going to add to my last post but I’ve run out of time mumsnet allows to edit.
You say MIL offered to do childcare and that she’s active.
This is great… but being active is different to caring for a baby, we forget how much hard work babies are as we age. It the reason nature stops us having babies into old age, well it’s one of the reasons.
Memory plays tricks on us.

Glad to hear you have reconsidered!

My dad is about to run a marathon at 60 and gets absolutely knackered babysitting my kids. It's mentally exhausting too.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

It's not about driving for me. Elderly grandparents are people we visit, they don't babysit.