Elderly MIL driving car with DC

[Eleano]

Hi Mumsnet,

Me and my DH are expecting our first DC. My MIL and FIL are both 80 years old. They told us yesterday that they're going to buy a car seat for our DC for their car. Initially I was touched but then I thought about it again and I'm pretty sure I'll be worrying about it closer to the time.

My MIL seems sharp but she does get flustered easily when driving. Her reflexes are slow but she drives carefully. My FIL on the other hand, is suffering from the early stages of dementia and his driving abilities are deteriorating but luckily he avoids driving for that reason although my MIL gets annoyed and tired and sometimes forces him to drive.

We don't intend on having them babysit until DC js 9 months old but that's still very young and they will be 81 by then and now I can foresee all sorts of difficult conversations, given that my MIL will be coming to ours for 5 hours a day, 3 times a week to babysit for 4 months (and then DC will do full-time nursery). My mat leave pay/company benefits are poor and I earn more than DH so those 4 months of reduced childcare costs will really help us. I never envisioned MIL needing to drive DC around during that time since everything is within walking distance.

Would you let people in their 80s drive your DCs around? What would you do in my position?

Absolutely agree.

I struggled with my dog!

Please don't rely on your MIL fir this childcare. Not only is she too elderly, it is impossible to do childcare with you in the room.

I was a childminder/nanny till I retired, only did this type of job once. It was a nightmare. The baby coukd see mum so screamed for her, nothing I did coukd settle her she just wanted her mum. I wasn't inexperienced either had been in childcare 40 years by then.

It really dosnt work. If you want a smaller setting look at a childminder, I don't know what bureaucracy you are worried about. The paperwork is generally the same as a nursery.

My mum is 65 and looks after my child 1 day a week. She is finding it tough now so we are moving to formal childcare. I would never consider letting a person in the 80s babysit the way you plan to.

This. I'm sorry OP but this just isn't right.

For you PiL or your baby. I wouldn't even let my Nan do it and she's a "young" 75!

Anything could happen, there's just no way.

I don't think it would even be safe.

Reflexes at that age aren't as quick, she's got a husband with dementia to care for, anything could go wrong. Please reconsider this.

Have a look at the OP's update.

I don't honestly have a problem with the in laws age, as long as they are capable and genuinely eager.

Some 80 year olds are more spritley and cognitively with it than some 60 year olds. Some 80 year olds may have another decade or more of decent health even.

My parents do quite a bit of childcare for me and are in their mid 70's. They aren't handstand doing ex athletes, and have some health issues, but straits manage absolutely fine. We combine this with pre-school etc though so they don't feel pressure to take her out as much, though they will still take her to the park, farm etc. They'd be devastated if we stopped it.

That being said...

1. You have to make sure they are actually eager to do it and not out of obligation
2. You need a plan B - day to day and longer term. They may fall ill, need surgery etc, or may suddenly decline. FIL may need more care, MIL may find it's actually too much.
3. I'd do either shorter days (ie morning at nursery, afternoon with MIL) or less days or both.
4. go to them rather them then come to you.
5. from a covid home working parent - don't work in the same room, it won't work. Baby has to feel like you aren't around so squirrel yourself away in a different part of the house.
6. don't micromanage their days. Let them do things their way, keep as far away as possible. If not safe to drive, then fine, but you need to trust them to make the right decisions, or you shouldn't be leaving a baby with them.

9 months is plenty of time for your FILs dementia to have deteriorated to the point where he needs supervision and care. Having a baby to care for may well lead to risk and safety issues. He should not be driving now, and you need to have an honest conversation about their safety on the road and he needs to see a GP and surrender his license. Having had 2 parents with dementia, I would suggest that this arrangement will never work and you need to make alternative arrangements now.

I’m early 40s & have had my own children. I would NOT want to be looking after a 9 month (plus) year old for any regularity, they are hard work. & even harder work in the same room as their mother who needs to focus on work!

if you work, pay for childcare. Or don’t work.

as an employer I’d be seeking legal advice with a view to disciplinary action if this was your long term childcare plan.

it’s not fair to anyone. The child, the MIL, or your employer. Or, and importantly yourself. You won’t do anything well and will feel torn in multiple directions.

…. worth considering you’ll also probably be sleep deprived! Teeth are sharp & nasty!

This !

I would tell them car seats are very expensive for the full safely fitted ones and that they won’t need one as they can take yours then cross that bridge of taking your child out in the car at a later date

you are at least in control then and can decide at the time on whether to hand over the car seat or not, things may well change before then anyway

Wow... just wow.

MIL will be coming to ours for 5 hours a day, 3 times a week to babysit for 4 months

So they are OK to be exploited for childcare because it benefits you... but God forbid if they want to leave the house. Get paid childcare if it bothers you that much and stop exploiting your elderly relatives. 80 is no age to be having a baby 5 hours a day 3 times a week.

Agreed. Until the last couple of months, my mum was still the fit (ish), intelligent, kind person she had slways been. There is no way she would have managed 15 hours a week looking after a baby.
As for the driving...not a chance.

Mine looked after my children in her 60s. She relies on a car as is disabled. She looked after my eldest no problems, was out and about most days with another relative for much etc. 3 years later when my next child was born and her health had really declined. She still did it but youngest child didn’t get taken to as many places. Now my kids are older and she’s in her 70s she does have them overnight if I want t go out but as they’re teens she manages fine. What she does struggle with now in her 70s is driving them around to activities as her confidence on the roads has declined. My dad passed away in his 70s and never had the kids at his ever. 80s would be a worry for me to be relying on childcare as things do very quickly change with heath. If my kids were babies now there’s no way I’d be sending them to here for childcare for long periods.

I had to take over looking after a friend’s toddler on a morning and taking her to pre school with mine as she was relying on her mother in her 80s to do everything and suddenly she couldn’t and very quickly passed away.

i think if your concern is genuine then you should be asking them not to drive at all, never mind if DC is in the car. I think if they are expected to come and babysit for 5 hrs it's reasonable that they may want to leave the house at some point, but could you position it that minimal short journey's is preferred? it's a bit of a piss take to say you can't drive but you can watch my very active baby for 5 hrs

Absolutely not in my book my in laws are younger and have never driven our child anywhere the only time we’ve used their car we installed our seat and travelled with them a very short distance

Nope absolutely no way. My mum is 61 and she’s a careful driver but she’s to careful and a bit ditsy so I don’t allow her to drive my kids around and never have (eldest is 6). She got a bit pissy about it at first but she has absolutely no reason to drive my kids anywhere when everything is in walking distance

Sweet Jesus - my own mother in law is this age and no way she would be able to manage childcare like this . For what its worth she is brilliant in the car and fly's around the country. Its great independence for her
You need to look at paying for proper childcare.

Exactly this @piglet81 !! Honestly I can't believe some people are planning childcare needs round very elderly people. Things change rapidly/overnight for people in that age category. Broken hip/a fall/a stroke, nevermind signs of apparent dementia already. 15 hours a week over 3 days is for too much childcare. They were kind to offer but no - find another way as that's just crazy.

This!
My parents are incredibly fit, active and still drive but, at age 78 and 79 they would be exhausted by looking after a baby to this extent.
I think you really need to revise your childcare arrangements.
In answer to your question about letting baby in the car, no I wouldn't let this happen in these circumstances.

what the actual???
you want 81 year olds to look after your child? a baby?
poor baby

I came here to say exactly this! I’m in my early 60s and would find that too much with a demanding baby.

Expecting people of 80 years old to provide childcare is a piss take. Stop being cheap and hire proper childcare.

You weren't 81

I wouldn’t bank on the childcare. Presumably this about a year off from now. You may well find FIL’s dementia has progressed to the point where he can’t be left alone, or other health problems have developed for one or both of them. The car seat is not your biggest problem here.