Elderly MIL driving car with DC

[Eleano]

Hi Mumsnet,

Me and my DH are expecting our first DC. My MIL and FIL are both 80 years old. They told us yesterday that they're going to buy a car seat for our DC for their car. Initially I was touched but then I thought about it again and I'm pretty sure I'll be worrying about it closer to the time.

My MIL seems sharp but she does get flustered easily when driving. Her reflexes are slow but she drives carefully. My FIL on the other hand, is suffering from the early stages of dementia and his driving abilities are deteriorating but luckily he avoids driving for that reason although my MIL gets annoyed and tired and sometimes forces him to drive.

We don't intend on having them babysit until DC js 9 months old but that's still very young and they will be 81 by then and now I can foresee all sorts of difficult conversations, given that my MIL will be coming to ours for 5 hours a day, 3 times a week to babysit for 4 months (and then DC will do full-time nursery). My mat leave pay/company benefits are poor and I earn more than DH so those 4 months of reduced childcare costs will really help us. I never envisioned MIL needing to drive DC around during that time since everything is within walking distance.

Would you let people in their 80s drive your DCs around? What would you do in my position?

health status can change rapidly in people over 80. You absolutely need to reassess your childcare plans.

Who’s going to look after FIL, whose dementia will be worse by that point, while MIL is looking after baby?

If you’re the higher earner and want to go back to work, then your husband should take shared parental leave until you’re ready for full time nursery.

That sounds really unsuitable - asking 80 year olds to do childcare. Utterly exhausting for them. I see friends who are much younger than that knackered after one day of childcare. It's really not fair or probably safe for your child.

I worry they’re too old to manage baby for that amount of time OP. It’s will be very tiring for them. You need a back up plan asap.

can you share mat leave with your DH and he take the remaining months?

My dad is 83 and in generally in good health however over the past year he’s broken his ankle and had 2 operations…. It’s been very difficult at times. What I’m saying is that things can change quickly when you’re old. To be honest though, when he’s staying with us, he’s pretty useless on the practical front. There is no way, even 10 years ago, that I’d have left him in charge of a baby. He babysat a couple of times when they were in bed!

This, I’m 76 and my DH is 69 our gc are 13 and 8 and I’ve done childcare since the eldest was 8 months old, three days a week, I was 63 and DH was still working then so I did it on my own. It was tiring then. No way could I do it now and we are both reasonably fit.
We still do the odd school run and look after them in school holidays etc but a baby would be too much now.

Will she be able to safely pick up and carry a 9mo old? She is quite elderly what happens if she has a fall at your house or something worse. The driving is the least of your problems, if she drives slowly and only on local roads any accident should be very minor and the baby will be in a proper seat, accidents in the house would worry me much more. My 9mo old was starting to walk and a real handful already, into everything and climbing out of her cot.

I think you are wildly underestimating/ possibly/ have little idea what 5 hours childcare 3 times a week entails for a baby and more so the compounded effect this may have on someone in their 80s and their general ability to be upto speed enough to cope appropriately. However ' sharp' they may be this doesn't sound,realistic or safe irrespective of driving.

For context my grandmother, who had always been actively involvolved in looking after me and,all my younger siblings on a daily basis and ,was utterly with the plot looked after my son ( her greatgrandson when she was 80) she had been with him most days from birth for short periods. The one time she was left for four hours,we returned to utter chaos, she simply couldn't cope panic took over. Crying had caused her to panic, she hadn't been able to do his milk in the stress or undo his buggy straps ( so cut them with scissors instead) everything went wrong. He was sick, she couldn't do a nappy,all the things she was doing normally she suddenly couldn't when he was crying and she was on her own faced with the responsibility. Basically, it was,all too much. She had been consistently looking after children ( and being a paid nanny until not long before).

Be prepared that it might not be as plain sailing as you think, and no,no driving. Absolutlely not

I read the first paragraph and skipped the rest, the baby isn’t here yet so there’s no point any of us trying to tell you anything at this stage, you will look back and laugh at your worrying.

When the baby comes, there’s will be no need for any discussion or conversation, you will do what is safe for the baby and nothing else will matter.

It doesn’t matter what equipment she buys, the baby will not be travelling in a car with your MIL.

You will see extreme hazards and safety issues in a place that seemed like a beautiful calm place, only a few months before. You will never again look at an uncut grape and see it as a beautiful fruit, but a highly dangerous choking hazard that could end your happy life.

Your life will change the minute the baby comes and your body will not actually allow your baby be in a dangerous situation, so don’t stress. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and all the best.

OP won't be back. But the childcare has disaster written all over it.

I think it completely depends on the 81 year old and just because you get to your eighties it doesn't necessarily mean that you are no longer able to play a full part in society. At that age, my Mum would have been perfectly capable of looking after a young child safely, competently, and with a typical grandparent's love, and I would MUCH rather have had her looking after my baby than leaving her in a nursery. My mum was also still a safe, if somewhat slow, driver at that age and I didn't have any concerns about her driving until several years later.

I would, however, be concerned about anyone with diagnosed dementia driving, and I think it's a condition that the DVLA need to be made aware of? If an 81 year old has offered to provide childcare and is happy with the commitment then I really don't see the issue so long as there are clear boundaries about the father in law not driving .

80s? Sorry OP, you need to find another plan. What if one of them had a medical episode when watching your young child, who is young enough to get into serious danger if the person caring for him can't care in the midst of a medical episode? You need to protect your child first and foremost.

Yes where will fil be when mil is looking after the baby three days a week?

It’s not just that mil is elderly but that she gets ‘flustered and tired.’

My parents are 81 and they would struggle with half an hour childcare these days even though they used to help out twenty years ago and I could fully trust them.

Driving is the least of your issues. I wouldn't expect my in laws in their early 60's to take on that amount of childcare. No doubt they are saying that they want to and they will manage. They won't, it's just too much. And you won't want to leave your baby for that long in their care. Make it a priority to arrange proper childcare.

Since this is their first child OP might not know what a 9 month old is like and assumed anyone could provide childcare.

OP, at 9 months babies are heavy - 8+kg. They crawl everywhere, want to climb everything and put everything in their mouths. They throw food all over the floor and on themselves. If you get a particularly lively one, even a nappy change is s challenge. It is exhausting for a young person to look after a baby that age as they're so mobile and there's so many dangers they're unaware of.

Unfortunately it's completely insane to expect an 81 year old to provide regular childcare.

Thanks for the advice you're clearly making an informed assessment.

I will also be there working from the same room on my laptop.

Also it was MIL who offered (5 times a week in fact) and in terms of physical capacity goes hiking and does headstands and aerobic exercise every week and is an ex-athlete lol.

I would take baby to nursery 5 days a week but I think he would be happier being at home with me in the vicinity, caring for him in between meetings rather than surrounded by strangers and illnesses.

Yes, previous poster is correct. DVLA are absolulety sypposed to be aware of a dementia diagnosis. It has serious implications for both the validity of vehicle insurance and whether the driver is allowed to retain a driving licence. I am well aware of cases where the licence has been Revoked even when the dementia hasn't even been bad.

He's waiting for his formal diagnosis to be confirmed and will then let them know.

You can’t have it both ways. Happy to use them for childcare multiple times a week but not let them drive.

Are you employed? If so you may find less acceptance of childcare in same room during working hours.

Exactly what I came to say…the dementia may be mild right now, but from unfortunate experience with both my parents, a person’s level of dementia can go off a cliff with no notice….you really need to sort some other means of childcare

YABU to expect your elderly PILs to provide so much childcare!!!