Elderly MIL driving car with DC

[Eleano]

Hi Mumsnet,

Me and my DH are expecting our first DC. My MIL and FIL are both 80 years old. They told us yesterday that they're going to buy a car seat for our DC for their car. Initially I was touched but then I thought about it again and I'm pretty sure I'll be worrying about it closer to the time.

My MIL seems sharp but she does get flustered easily when driving. Her reflexes are slow but she drives carefully. My FIL on the other hand, is suffering from the early stages of dementia and his driving abilities are deteriorating but luckily he avoids driving for that reason although my MIL gets annoyed and tired and sometimes forces him to drive.

We don't intend on having them babysit until DC js 9 months old but that's still very young and they will be 81 by then and now I can foresee all sorts of difficult conversations, given that my MIL will be coming to ours for 5 hours a day, 3 times a week to babysit for 4 months (and then DC will do full-time nursery). My mat leave pay/company benefits are poor and I earn more than DH so those 4 months of reduced childcare costs will really help us. I never envisioned MIL needing to drive DC around during that time since everything is within walking distance.

Would you let people in their 80s drive your DCs around? What would you do in my position?

Definitely get a nursery place now - there was a 6mth+ wait time at ours by time DS was born so its worth having the place as if you dont, you really wont have any options for last minute change of plans once the MIL plan doesn't work out... and I would 2nd PPs who have said its exhausting looking after babies/toddlers at that age, my parents are in their 60s fit as fiddles but still need a lie down in a dark room after a day with grandkids 😬😅🙈

You’re right and you definitely need a plan B.

The fact that she gets so to reduce and flustered whilst driving that she thinks it’s ok to make a man with dementia do it instead shows unfortunately that she’s not a capable as she once was and that her judgement is questionable (to put it mildly). And that’s without the fact that her husband could deteriorate to the point where he can’t be left alone, there are going to be a fair amount of medical appointments that won’t be in line with your work schedule, I imagine there might be a reluctance to care for baby when they’re unwell even if it’s just a minor cold. Also, I don’t think (m)any 81YOs are capable of keeping up with mobile young toddlers- they’re fast and they’re heavy! At best it sounds it sounds like you’ll be let down a lot, at worse it actually sounds unsafe.

I’d show this thread to DH if he’s of the school of thought that everything will be fine.

My ils were never allowed to travel with dc... Mil wore specs to help fil with the driving.. Mil never got out of second gear and used a big cushion to reach the wheel...
If they babysat it was when dc were older.. Never as babies..

I don't think it's really suitable to expect someone in their 80s to provide childcare regularly.

Pa my own mil in her 80s is relatively fit and well, but she wouldn't cope more than very occasionally, and not with a baby.

I think so too. My wee one was walking from 8 months, climbed everything, fought every nappy change and getting dressed. They are surprisingly strong!!

It's irrelevant that they offered. Kindly say no. No matter the fitness levels, an 81 year old, particularly one with a husband with dementia, and one who gets flustered, should not be providing childcare for 5 hours, 3 days a week. That's simply not safe. Even if she were 60 it wouldn't be a good option, with the dementia aspect in the equation.

Working from the same room won't work, trust me, too much noise, distraction for you to concentrate and focus on work. And baby will likely get separation anxiety around 9-12 months and won't accept you being in the room and not be with you.

You need to have the nursery place booked and possibly your MIL as just occasional emergency care if child cannot go to nursery for any reason.

Your MIL should not be your regular childcare at the stage you are planning. She will be under the increasing burden of looking out for her husband, who appears to have the progressive condition of dementia.

Who will be caring for FIL while she is caring for your increasingly mobile and "into everything" child?

It strikes me that you, DH and possibly also MIL have little experience of this sort of situation and how demanding and all consuming and adult with dementia can be. You aren't making safe decisions here.

My main experience of dementia was DH's grandmother. She became doubly incontinent, would wander off, get upset about anything and everything, not recognise anyone, leave stuff on in the kitchen etc. That was before she had to go into a nursing home.

When that sort of thing is even on the cards you just can't add a lively, speedy and increasingly mobile baby into the mix. It would be a recipe for disaster.

Ask MIL if she will be one of your back up childcare options. Don't have either of your PILs driving your child. People with dementia are not safe to drive, and your MIL's tendency to get flustered (which I do understand as I don't like driving myself) is also an issue.

If your DH continues to think that none of this will be an issue then you will have to put your foot down and tell him to give his head a wobble. I do sympathise a bit there as I too have a DH who tended not to see what issues such medical conditions could present until they were right in his face and the implications were unavoidably clear.

I am 82 and dh is 84. Last year we gave our very low mileage ford fiesta to our grandson. Dh said he was aware that his reactions were not as quick as they used to be. He felt confident in familiar situations but couldn’t trust himself to react quickly in an unexpected situation. I too no longer felt confident and was using the car only occasionally. I can tell you now that although I loved looking after my grandchildren when they were young that was 25 to 30 years ago and no way would I or my dh be able to look after a young child now especially for the length of time you suggest. In fact I would be concerned about my mobility being up to carrying a child about. In fact I think you as a new mum have no idea how exhausting child care can be and the responsibility is huge. You have to have eyes in the back of your head and responses to match them. Please think again and get someone who is able to handle the job and leave your parents to enjoy visiting or sitting on the odd evening when you go out.

Your FIL dementia might develop more rapidly as time progresses (it isn't linear ). A baby in the house might well be far too stressful for him and your MIL - who will be navigating a huge change in her marriage. It is very easy to underestimate the effects dementia has on a family, not just the person suffering.

I would not be putting an elderly couple through any more worry than they already have.

That would be hard no re the driving. As for childcare, the idea that your baby will happily settle with your MIL whilst you are in the same room is unrealistic. You won't be able to focus on your work and a baby that age won't understand why mum is ignoring them. That set-up is unfair on the baby and on your employer.
In a year's time, your FIL's dementia may have progressed. Your MIL may not be able to leave him unattended for several hours day and even if she could, she is likely to be stressed and need a break herself at those times, not care for a baby.
Most definitely time for Plan B.

I think you’re being unreasonable to leave your 9 month old with 2 81 year olds, one who has dementia, for 5 hours 3 times per week! Do you have any concept about how difficult that would be for them? Are they able to get down on the floor and play with the child or will they just have to be strapped into a pram, high chair or held the entire time? My DM is late 60s and fairly fit and although she provides child care for us she admits it’s tiring, I think even she’d admit that looking after a small baby in her 80s wouldn’t be possible!

MIL will be coming to ours for 5 hours a day, 3 times a week to babysit for 4 months

This is shocking. Its just too much for an 81 year old. + you're surely not expecting her to sit indoors with your DC, are you? She'll want to go out. & as active as she may be, possibly won't be up for walking everywhere so there are times she will drive.

& who's going to look after your FIL - will he be there too/your MIL will be looking after him and your DC at same time?

I get that 4 months childcare is a big help. But you have a child now and like it or not, that changes things and you have to adapt based on your choice to become parents. Many of us have had no choice but to find alternative solutions where free childcare isn't available.

I think its lovely of your MIL to be willing to do this actually. But at her age, 15 hours per week etc its not wise.

HappydaysArehere post is spot on.

Why on earth are you leaving two 81 year olds in charge of a baby? Accident waiting to happen.

@Eleano Are you for real????? to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't have an 81 year old babysitting at all!!! she is far too old. I would suggest you look elsewhere for childcare! far too risky!

I'd happily let an 90yo drive around my children if they were a safe driver. It doesn't sound like these grandparents are safe drivers though.

Caring for someone with dementia is utterly draining. And small mobile babies babies are exhausting if you aren't used to them.

Is some kind of compromise possible where she provides fewer hours or fewer days of childcare? This seems like a heavy burden to put on her (even if she is willing).

Will you have a back up plan if she can't cope?

That was my initial plan (childminder + nursery) but friends and family put me off saying the bureaucracy for the former is a nightmare

It isn't a nightmare, thousands of parents find nursery places for their babies, and at nursery or with childminders they are safe and cared for. My kids thrived at nursery. The idea of a very elderly MIL looking after the baby 3 days a week in the same room as you'll be trying to work is madness, even without the unsafe driving issue.

I have a friend in her 60s who is helping out with childcare and she can’t carry the baby up and down stairs as she finds her too heavy.

There was a thread on here recently about when elderly parents became frail and infirm and for most it was late 70s/early 80s and sometimes the decline was quite sudden (happened to my parents.)

How is she going to cope with a fast moving, into everything baby?

Yes you can. Teenagers can babysit. Wouldn't let them drive dc though

OP your mother in law will not be able to provide childcare three days a week at her age. As it is your first child you may not be aware of how demanding babies are but there is no way your mother in law will manage this. It is way too much to expect of an 81 year old.

My own mother is fit, active and very healthy and can only manage my very independent 4 year old one day a week for 4 hours. I never asked her to do it, she offered and is saying that she is too old to do anymore than the 4 hours a week. She is 68 so considerably younger than your mother in law.

In relation to the driving if she is easily flustered and gets tired driving then no I wouldn't be comfortable with her driving a baby in the car. Just tell her that the infant car seats are easily outgrown and that there is no point buying one. Tell her she can just use yours if needed and then don't let that happen.

This is ridiculous. There are people I would have left my dc with when they were young that I wouldn't have let take them swimming or drive with them.

Au pairs. Teenage babysitters. People who couldn't swim.

Op there is no way it's ok for them at their age to have an infant three days a week for five hours a day

That's way too much

My mil is 82 and is good for her age she walks daily and is out and about but there is no way she could look after a small child now.

If you think her reflexes are abit slow in the car how will she manage with a child?

I remember having moments where mil concentration would lapse when being with the dc when they were little and it was hairy at times

I would definitely be re considering your plan