Elderly MIL driving car with DC

[Eleano]

Hi Mumsnet,

Me and my DH are expecting our first DC. My MIL and FIL are both 80 years old. They told us yesterday that they're going to buy a car seat for our DC for their car. Initially I was touched but then I thought about it again and I'm pretty sure I'll be worrying about it closer to the time.

My MIL seems sharp but she does get flustered easily when driving. Her reflexes are slow but she drives carefully. My FIL on the other hand, is suffering from the early stages of dementia and his driving abilities are deteriorating but luckily he avoids driving for that reason although my MIL gets annoyed and tired and sometimes forces him to drive.

We don't intend on having them babysit until DC js 9 months old but that's still very young and they will be 81 by then and now I can foresee all sorts of difficult conversations, given that my MIL will be coming to ours for 5 hours a day, 3 times a week to babysit for 4 months (and then DC will do full-time nursery). My mat leave pay/company benefits are poor and I earn more than DH so those 4 months of reduced childcare costs will really help us. I never envisioned MIL needing to drive DC around during that time since everything is within walking distance.

Would you let people in their 80s drive your DCs around? What would you do in my position?

Glad you booked the nursery 😊 I am 33 and my first DD is 11 months and 10kg now- my back is broken and I am shattered from chasing and carrying her around! And I am physically fit. Also I think it would be upsetting and be a distraction for you working if you hear LO crying but can't go to them. I agree with PP about encouraging them not to buy the car seat, just let them know how easy it will be to move yours across when needed and then don't. Once little one is here you will have the confidence to just say no if they are still insisting on driving them around. Also congratulations 🥰

I agree that you should not plan on using them for childcare. Even if they stay as fit as they are now, they don't sound like they're going to be up to looking after a toddler for long stretches of time.

With regard to earning more than DH, have you looked into shared parental leave? It may be worth switching to him staying at home once you get to the flat rate part of maternity leave.

It's good you have arranged the extra days at nursery. Things may be quite different with your in-laws in a year's time. You can't know how fast the dementia will progress. I am sure your MiL would like to be very involved with your child but it may not be practical for her to provide so much childcare.

I never allowed my parents or in laws to drive my child anywhere- ever, or even friends my own age. It’s a cliche that driving is the most dangerous thing most of us ever do but it’s true. Unfortunately, professionally I’ve seen the devastation caused by bad driving on far too many occasions over the years.

I haven't read all the posts but providing an individual was a competent and safe driver, I'd let them drive my dc without hesitation. Their age is irrelevant. Another ageist comment on MNet.

I would not and did not expect a grandparent to provide me with free childcare and I would not do that for my DC. Occasional and in emergencies, yes. Regular, no.

Who am I to say though, I am in my mid sixties and fast approaching being utterly decrepit I imagine.

You and yiur DH decided to have a child whilst being unable to properly afford it. I am afraid my advice is to suck it up.

My mother is 87. Despite her advancing years, she continues to be a safe driver and knows her limitations. When she was 81, she would not have coped with a toddler five hours a day, three days a week and had her own life to lead.

Plenty of early 40s may well be on their journey on first parenthood .......

I too would be concerned about letting someone in their 80s who gets flustered when driving have my baby in their car. But I would also not be planning to let someone in their 80s take on the role of childcare. If OP is nervous about one situation she should not be agreeing to the other.

If your using them for free childcare then you have to expect they will take dc with them whe they need to shop or whatever else they have planned. Unfortunately not everything stops for your child. In all honesty I wouldn't even consider leaving a newborn with two 80 somethings that's irresponsible in itself especially with someone with dementia. I think you need to look at the decisions your making first before pointing fingers elsewhere.

Without being any the wiser … good luck to them genuinely, I hope they love it!

but if they are just embarking on parenthood they aren’t dealing with teenagers!

I am wiser … I’ve done it … & it’s not for me. Not again!

Absolutely this! I worked from home one day when my youngest was about 15 months - grandparents normally took DC to their house, but couldn’t that week due to extensive house works after a flood. DC basically stood at the bottom of the stairs clinging to the baby gate & screamed & screamed & screamed for me & then screamed some more for good measure.

Grandparents were flustered & found it all much harder trying to manage in our house instead of their own & I had to log off of work for the day.

But clearly this is a first time parent, so we could tell them til we’re blue in the face & they won’t understand the reality of it until they’re faced with it themselves, because no one ever really does (I know I didn’t really get it pre kids)

@Eleano . FILs health could deteriorate a lot in a year. Your MIL could well have her hands full there. My neighbour is struggling with her husband now. She's stressed out

I admire you for admitting there are some things you don’t know, and taking all this on the chin!

No what happens if your FIL has an episode or goes out and ends up lost ? What happens if your MIL has a fall ? (GOD forbid) and can't get up or to a phone ? I've seen it first hand. Is there no one else who can help ? Personally I wouldn't risk it.

At 81 I wouldn't be okay with them providing childcare, or driving. But I'd welcome lots of nanny grandad cuddles.

But if you're happy for them to provide childcare, then I wouldn't object to driving, as both carry the same risks (slow reflexes, tiredness, dementia). Also if there was an accident, fever, rash etc they'd need to drive them to hospital. So having a child seat is a must for anyone caring for your kids.

I have three children 8, 3 and 6 months and I've seen fit adults exhausted in just a hour 😂❤️

Personally I'd look at other options and leave them to just enjoy the cuddles

No, go with your instincts.

It depends on the person, my grandad was still on an exercise bike and lifting weights until he was 86 and it wasn't until he hit 90 that he started to seem like age was getting the better of him. Sounds like both grandparents are very excited about their grandchild arriving and it's lovely to see that they don't want to miss out. I personally wouldn't let them drive and I think the first comment about the childseat never making it into their car is a great way of dealing with that problem.

bad idea what if something happens to her husband when the kid is with her big risk my mil is driving a widow comes round sees the kids i have a panic attack with her in a car just wrong i stopped driving years ago due to sickness never had parents help me look after kids ask other family

and me im 50 can not run up the stairs anymore

I barely let anyone drive my DC and I keep it to an absolute minimum. Does your MIL have any other grandchildren? I'm guessing she has forgot what it's like to have kids that age and also unfortunately her husband might start needing more of her care very soon it sounds. They are highly mobile and constantly trying to kill themselves at that age. If she's still up for it by then I would let her do shorter date nights or something so you both can benefit and enjoy her doing some childminding without as much work.