Elderly MIL driving car with DC

[Eleano]

Hi Mumsnet,

Me and my DH are expecting our first DC. My MIL and FIL are both 80 years old. They told us yesterday that they're going to buy a car seat for our DC for their car. Initially I was touched but then I thought about it again and I'm pretty sure I'll be worrying about it closer to the time.

My MIL seems sharp but she does get flustered easily when driving. Her reflexes are slow but she drives carefully. My FIL on the other hand, is suffering from the early stages of dementia and his driving abilities are deteriorating but luckily he avoids driving for that reason although my MIL gets annoyed and tired and sometimes forces him to drive.

We don't intend on having them babysit until DC js 9 months old but that's still very young and they will be 81 by then and now I can foresee all sorts of difficult conversations, given that my MIL will be coming to ours for 5 hours a day, 3 times a week to babysit for 4 months (and then DC will do full-time nursery). My mat leave pay/company benefits are poor and I earn more than DH so those 4 months of reduced childcare costs will really help us. I never envisioned MIL needing to drive DC around during that time since everything is within walking distance.

Would you let people in their 80s drive your DCs around? What would you do in my position?

I think responses here have been sometimes harshly expressed even if I agree with them.

Prior to having children, I wasn't prepared at all for the exhaustion and time that goes into caring for a baby, so I'm not surprised that you might have planned childcare based on assumptions. But it really is very hard at times OP. Profoundly shocking even. So brace yourself.

It WILL absolutely exhaust your MIL and that will impact on her ability to care for your baby. You will definitely understand that very quickly when your baby comes. (My mum is a healthy 73 year old, and I know she couldn't cope).

Just to say too... I also tried to work from home full time when my baby came, and it nearly killed me. Do think about a childminder if you can. x

We are grandparents late 60s/ early 70s. For the last 7 years we have done childcare for our young grandchildren of both our children. So this is one day a week for each family plus extras if needed. Fortunately we are still healthy and walk a lot. However, I must say, soon our grandchildren will be at school and we are looking forward to just helping at school holidays. We have done 5 days a week in emergencies and it is a killer. We certainly could not do it for many weeks. My husband is very hands on and does loads of games, crawling on the floor etc. There is no way I could be doing childcare in my 80s. It would not be fair on the child either.
The driving in an absolute NO. We already dislike driving our grandchildren as it is a huge responsibility. We do pick them up from school, nursery etc but if they need to go on roads with high speeds their parents have to take them. We will refuse totally long before we are 80.

Some strongly worded replies here, OP - MN can be brutal sometimes but don't take it personally. I would say wait and see. The arrival of a baby can disrupt the best-laid plans. You might find other arrangements, you might even decide to take a year off work, you never know how you'll feel. I would say thanks to MIL, but not to spend any cash yet on a car seat. But no, of course YANBU not to want her driving your lo around.

Good idea. I currently have a 9 month old. I couldn’t work properly with her in the same room. She is quite an easy baby but she still cries and screams a fair bit - particularly if she can see me but I’m not giving her attention. She’s a small baby but still weighs enough at this age that my sister (who is fit and healthy) finds it hard to hold her for long periods as she’s not used to it. Feeding / weaning is also a lot of work at 9 months and involves a lot of clean up. It would be a lot for someone in their 80s.

Gob smacked about the elderly childcare and the driving. Totally unrealistic if you really think this is going to work out in any shape or form, especially after the early dementia and flustered driving. They are in their 80's ffs.

I'm 75 and there's no way I could care for a baby or young child for five hours three times a week! Give your head a shake please.

Ex childminder here @Eleano 👋.

Honestly there's no bureaucracy involved, the paperwork is purely a contract setting out services. Pretty simple really.

I think what people might mean is finding a childminder with space - if you are well organised and plan ahead of time (start actively looking NOW as childminders get booked up sometimes a year in advance) you will be OK.

I think MIL offering is a lovely idea but honestly unrealistic and would quickly become too much for her imo, she wouldn't cope I don't think.

A child at my DDs primary had a similar set up with their grandmother looking after their new baby brother - grandmother if I recall was maybe a bit younger than your MIL but the situation very quickly became a major disaster and is was clear she wasn't coping very well at all.

So I say form your plan B NOW, search out a childminder you'll be happy with and lock her/him in to secure that place - you'll have so much peace of mind knowing you have this set up and then enough time to work out what/how/when to say to MIL about thanks but no thanks - maybe she could mind the baby for just an hour here and there instead?

What if OP decides to wait and see, Grandma isn’t up to it but now the childminders are full and the nursery doesn’t have space for another 4 months because that’s when OP registered for? There definitely needs to be a contingency.

Good idea, Op. Good luck!

How is she supposed to work if she is effectively supervising the child and the grandmother all the time? Have you ever worked from home? It's not a soft option.

So now they're not trustworthy to babysit AT ALL just because they're not confident drivers??

Of course she can 'have it both ways' in this context. It's her baby ffs

You said her reactions are slow. She shouldn’t be driving. It’s as simple as that, never mind being responsible for the care of a baby. You are being massively ridiculous if you’re expecting this.

OP in a year's time, your MIL will be fully occupied with your FIL and his dementia.

Be realistic and think of him. Never mind the baby, consider your FIL's dementia diagnosis. It's a long deterioration.

Your MIL won't have time to look after your baby.

Your childcare plans are unrealistic and unfair on your in laws.

I feel sorry for your MIL.

What does your contract say about WFH with a baby in the same room? The baby will want to go to you even if MIL is there.

I have worked from home for 25 years so do have a little bit of insight. I was not suggesting that the OP should be supervising her mother in law and baby, just that she would be on hand in the event of an emergency; I assume her mother in law would be able to understand that the OP should not be interrupted otherwise.

Very well said.

Exactly. Put your hand in your pocket and pay for nursery. Or can your husband take parental leave for those months?

I think the problem here is that the OP has no idea how much work a 9 month baby is, no idea how much her FIL's dementia will have deteriorated in a year, and no idea how hard it is to WFH with your baby in the same house.

I think if she's offered the childcare and you think she's up to it, this hysteria over being 81 is a bit ridiculous. I mean, I wouldn't expect my 80+ year old parents or in laws to do it, but more just because that seems a bit harsh to me.

The driving is a bit more complex. You say she's a careful driver but just gets a bit flustered sometimes. That's quite normal for lots of people. Hell, half of MN won't drive at night/on a motorway/on a route they've never taken before so I'm not really sure why she can't drive your DC.

Your FIL on the other hand is, of course, a HARD NO. He cannot drive your DC, nor can he be left in sole charge of the baby at any time.

I should say here that my dad is nearly 90. He drives my kids no problem. However, they're a bit older now but when they were younger, I wouldn't have left them with him for 5 hours because he would not have coped with the relentless needs of a small child. As they're young teens/tweens now, it would be less of an issue as really, they'd only need him for emergencies and snacks (or money to buy snacks! ) My point being that every older person is different in what they can manage and you and them know best what is possible.

Not just in the same house, the same room she said!
Before you have your own baby you have no idea how much your baby’s cry hits you in the guts. You can’t sit there working away while the baby cries/screams/pukes etc and a very elderly MIL is trying to deal with it.

I was equally guilty, before I had mine, of massively underestimating both the incredible workload and how emotionally draining looking after your young baby is. Plus most of us like to think our baby will be an “easy” one, and it’s a real shock when you get one that screams constantly, can’t settle, is difficult to feed, sleeps badly etc, whether that’s because of health problems or is just how they are.

It’s understandable that OP thinks this would work and that MIL believes she could cope. But it would only work if OP had a very placid, very healthy happy baby, an easy job, a tolerant employer, and MIL agreed not to drive with the baby in the car. And FIL didn’t worsen and need more care.

I'd be surprised if they be able to babysit him full stop, never mind drive

This is a really good post. Can I add how mobile baby is too as a factor? My first was an easy baby in that she cried very little, ate well and took long naps in the cot but was walking at 9 months and if Mummy (or anyone) was trying to work on a computer in the same room she’d be trying to climb on the table and thump all the keys. DH took her to work once and she crawled under a random desk and unplugged someone’s phone whilst he was distracted for <30 seconds by a colleague saying hi. She didn’t get invited to visit the office again until she was 6 and a half 🤣 Even if DH was off and looking after baby, so no concerns about baby being taken care of properly, trying to work in the same room would be an absolute disaster!

This 💯