Babysitting rules

[Freckleface24]

So yesterday we left my Baby with my
MIL. My baby is 14 weeks and I'll only leave her if it's an absolute must. Yesterday my partner and I had a meeting about our wedding (1hr) and we couldn't take baby with us so left her with MIL. She's only ever had her 1 other time so I was expecting her to just feed her , play with her a bit and if need be change a nappy. All these things can be done downstairs. Instead when we came to pick her up she said she took her upstairs to "show her around". I was abit annoyed by this because they have a really steep marble staircase and I felt really uncomfortable about her carrying my baby up and down those stairs for no reason other than a silly idea of her wanting to show the baby her dads old room. The baby is 14 weeks old so obviously isn't going to understand this. My partner thinks I was being over dramatic and silly so ovb turned into a massive argument with him. AIBU for feeling that when I'm not there I don't really want people carrying my baby up and down steep staircases for no valid reason. The more I think about it , she either came down holding banister and baby with one hand or holding baby with 2 hands and not holding the banister. I don't know what's worse. I'd like to say something to her but my partner has said don't even dare tell his mum off for something so silly. Also I'm still feeling angry at her as the other day she didn't wash her hands after using the bathroom and then held my baby. My partner says I'm too picky but I feel that there was no reason to take baby up and down steep stairs and re the washing hands issue. Ofc I'm annoyed it's extremely unhygienic and puts me in a really awkwardly situation about her holding my baby.

I have a good relationship with MIL , I always have and always will do anything for my partners family. She obviously in my close circle for me to have left my baby with her. Unfortunately I'm suffering from post natal anxiety and I had awful thoughts about an accident happening, really nothing to do with MIL could have been my own mum and my thoughts would prob have been the same. Difference is I'd just have said to my own mum and she'd have answered with 'don't be silly'. Don't really want to disrespect my partners mum and so I turned here looking for advice before bringing it up to her . Thanks to many gentle and kind comments I'm able to relax about it a-bit more . As for the nasty ones , that's ok I can take it but maybe someone else can't. So just think before insulting someone, they might be really down :)

Thanks for this. I'm aware that anxiety got the better of me here. I turned to AIBU for literally people to tell me yes your right or no your wrong. Unfortunately I got alot of nasty backlash. Anyway re toilet issue , she's quite open about not washing hands ect. Saying no need ect.

YABU. Being a new mum can unearth some behaviours that you might look back on and think hmm I was a bit weird then. It’s normal but try to recognise it’s kinda on you more than your Mil or husband.

Hello, all.
Just a reminder that Mumsnet is here to support new mums when they reach out - so please do bear that in mind when posting responses here.

OP, we've moved your thread to the Parenting topic now.

Sorry OP my reply didn't come across how I meant it to. I meant that yes it's unreasonable but it's understable as a first time mum to be a bit neurotic! I was the same with my first and had a couple of bad anxiety attacks over very minor things. Mine got better on it's own but it might be worth seeing a doctor if yours doesn't go away. I'm sorry if I upset you 💐

i really wanted to agree with you on this because I have issues with my MIL ignoring everything I say and doing risky things that I wouldnt do.
this does seem a little bit over the top about the stairs thing. But you aren’t being unreasonable to say to her that next time you’d feel more comfortable if she didn’t take baby up and down stairs unnecessarily as that’s not something you do yourself. I'd be annoyed about the hand washing thing though assuming you’ve already asked her to wash her hands in the past.

i think your DH is being unreasonable not supporting you though, it’s obviously something thats making you anxious and it’s good to establish a relationship where you get to state what you’re comfortable with and the person babysitting can take it on board. Unfortunately my MIL does not take things on board and finds ways to either do the complete opposite or be passive aggressive about it forever more. Hopefully yours is not that and she probably just didn’t know how to fill the time, given the chance hopefully she’ll listen and not do the same in future. Perhaps also saying what you’d like her to do with baby when you’re gone rather than assuming she’ll do something else would help! If she doesn’t listen then you have a right to be annoyed.

Her saying there’s no need to wash her hands is disgusting even without a baby

It's hard when they're so little, but honestly wait 6 months and your baby will be crawling and coasting and getting into all sorts of trouble and this will seem so low risk in comparison, ita ture that you cant wrap them in cotton wool. Someone carrying them up and downstairs is not high risk in the grand scheme of things, I promise. You're lucky your MiL babysits for free, you'll really welcome this in a few years, don't damage the relationship now over something small. Grandparents do it differently and you do need to let them a little bit, it annoys me too but they love your baby and will keep them safe. Set some rules agreed with your partner to discuss with them (for my mum it was no feeding them whole grapes or forcing them to clear a plate) but general parenting activities you should leave them to it as much as possible

This is genuinely really helpful thank you . I got a lot of nasty backlash in earlier comments, so I appreciate this x

Thanks for your feedback , it's helpful. I hope you find peace with your MIL. X

YANBU and I never left my babies at IL's house either. They were both clumsy with little children ánd they had an always-on hot stove! My husband (an only child) was mainly raised by his live-in grandmother. She was still around when my children were babies but old and fragile so no, I didn't leave my children there. When my children were a bit older we had my inlaws babysitting them a few times at our house. Came out they kept up my little boy untill very late to switch the TVstations and,video's for them because they didn't know how to do it themselves. Right. But then turned out my mil had hurt my little girl (down-there) while washing up before bed - explained she had done just like she does when washing herself. That was the straw that broke the camel's back, from then on we just got a babysitter from the neighbourhood.

@Freckleface24 , Would you feel comfortable telling MIL about the anxiety you've been experiencing? I wonder if sharing that with her might mean she can empathise and understand if there are some seemingly strange requests from you for the time being.

Something like "I have had to speak to someone about anxiety since having baby. It's horrible. For example, when you looked after baby, rather than thinking how nice it was you hand that bonding time and how much I appreciate you interacting with her when she is with you, which I do, all I could think about was what if you both fell down the stairs! I know it's kind of irrational, but even now it keeps playing on my mind. Do you think you could avoid taking her up there if you don't need to?"
Only as a conversation rather than a monologue!

I really think you need to get your anxiety treated. Yes ,so not washing hands is not ideal but can honestly say I don’t wash my hands if in a rush etc . So far my children in their 20s have never been infected by my urine 🤦‍♀️
I was brought up in a home with 4 steep wooden staircases and my Mum had my daughter from 6 weeks for sleepovers . We all survived !

You make it sound like she was parkouring with your baby lol

I 100% get this. Not unreasonable at all. You have post natal anxiety for sure, I suffered/ suffer with it too. I can feel my heart rate rise and cortisol increase as soon as baby out of my sight. my mil made a cup of tea holding my 3m in one hand, there was just no need and she refused to give her back. It’s hard and so stressful to navigate other people with most precious thing ever.

This this and this OP. You are clearly struggling with anxiety and my heart went out to you reading your post because I can see it clear as day. I fear that posting on a place like mumsnet where there is an abundance of bitter people waiting to kick people whilst they’re down is only going to make you worse. I really hope you get the help you need!

See it from her point of view, she’s so excited to have a grandchild and is reminiscing of her own happy time as a mother with a young baby. She could’ve just fed her and left her alone but she wanted to interact and bond with her grandchild. Your daughter is fine and has had a lovely time bonding with her granny.
Also, how do you carry your baby up and down stairs? Do you hold the bannister? I do think you’re overthinking.

He’s also your husbands baby .

Maybe you should postpone wedding planning until baby is old enough to take along or be babysat without you being so upset. Your MiL didn't do anything wrong with the stairs. Hygiene wise she should be washing her hands, but do you frequently go with her to the toilet to check or is the sink outside the toilet room?

Sounds more like you were purposely standing outside trying to work out what she was doing in there so you can create an issue out of it.

Sounds like you’re obsessing over your mother in law due to post natal depression / anxiety / intrusive thoughts.

yes she should wash her hands but it’s also super weird you’re following her like that & listening to what she’s doing in the toilet?! .

recognise your own behaviour for what it is. I’m sure once your hormones settle you’ll be ok but if they don’t get help - Otherwise if you carry on you will spend your life trying to police other peoples behaviour due to your need for total control over your baby and everyone around you. Good luck.

Contrary to all the others, I don’t think you are being unreasonable.. at this time post partum we have so many hormones and a strong instinct telling us to ‘protect our baby’. Anything can be perceived as a threat or danger. I cried after taking my baby in a lift the first time as I thought it was a bit bumpy and was worried.. I also didn’t have my mother in law visit from abroad for 2 months as I knew I’d worry about all these things - she also hardly washes her hands and I didn’t want that stressing me out. Now my daughter is almost one but I still have to remind my MIL to wash her hands every time she comes to to our home . And I know she doesn’t always wash her hands after peeing.. and then she offers to prepare my daughters food or puts her hands in her food. Bleurgh!! It makes me so irate (inside). I have talked to her about washing hands and used the excuse if Covid . Anyway all I’m trying to say is it’s your baby, if something makes you uncomfortable it’s your right to ask her not to do it, or avoid her babysitting for a while. We have enough on our plate without having extra stress.

Has she fallen on the stairs?

I don’t know what’s going on with new parents. I know a family that has been torn apart over something equally as sorry but stupid. The person I mentioned has a huge family 10 kids so you can imagine how many grandchildren the family are super close hands on. But one of the grand kids has decided no one can kiss her baby not on the face or hands or anything as she’s read it might kill the baby so because they rolled their eyes at this. She’s cut off all contact with everyone. The whole family is in turmoil she’s also gone and moved about an hour from home just to rub salt in the wounds.

your gonna be a very lonely generation

I'm worried that this post is indicating a potentially bigger problem. Reading about you being horrified by the idea of either baby in one arm and other hand in bannister, or no hands on bannister - how do you do stairs at home or when out?

I'm worried in case you've banned yourself from using stairs as well, and the impact that would be having on you and your new baby?

Please tell me that you haven't given up stairs use?

Whether you’re reasonable or not about not wanting her to take baby upstairs is one thing, but did you actually tell her you didn’t want her going upstairs with baby when you left them? If you did, then fine, speak to her about it. If you didn’t, then no, it’s not OK to complain about it.

Going up and down stairs is something that most people consider a perfectly normal, low-risk, everyday activity. It’s unlikely to be something that would occur to anyone who is babysitting to consider as being a potential issue/boundary, so on this occasion you need to write it off, and next time your MIL babysits, you should have a gentle discussion with her about your rules/boundaries and drop this in there as one of them