Babysitting rules

[Freckleface24]

So yesterday we left my Baby with my
MIL. My baby is 14 weeks and I'll only leave her if it's an absolute must. Yesterday my partner and I had a meeting about our wedding (1hr) and we couldn't take baby with us so left her with MIL. She's only ever had her 1 other time so I was expecting her to just feed her , play with her a bit and if need be change a nappy. All these things can be done downstairs. Instead when we came to pick her up she said she took her upstairs to "show her around". I was abit annoyed by this because they have a really steep marble staircase and I felt really uncomfortable about her carrying my baby up and down those stairs for no reason other than a silly idea of her wanting to show the baby her dads old room. The baby is 14 weeks old so obviously isn't going to understand this. My partner thinks I was being over dramatic and silly so ovb turned into a massive argument with him. AIBU for feeling that when I'm not there I don't really want people carrying my baby up and down steep staircases for no valid reason. The more I think about it , she either came down holding banister and baby with one hand or holding baby with 2 hands and not holding the banister. I don't know what's worse. I'd like to say something to her but my partner has said don't even dare tell his mum off for something so silly. Also I'm still feeling angry at her as the other day she didn't wash her hands after using the bathroom and then held my baby. My partner says I'm too picky but I feel that there was no reason to take baby up and down steep stairs and re the washing hands issue. Ofc I'm annoyed it's extremely unhygienic and puts me in a really awkwardly situation about her holding my baby.

I take it she is well versed with her stairs? It’s a matter of what you are used to. When mine were young I had a friend with a steep narrow staircase. I went up and down it sideways holding on with both hands. However, my friend bounced happily up and down it carrying her baby with no need at all for the hand rail. All about what you are used to. Has your MIL got form for falling down her stairs?

With kindness I think your anxiety is getting the better of you here. It is very natural to have some anxiety about a new child so it may just be that but if you feel that your anxiety is consuming you I would recommend seeking medical support.

YABU. You need to either trust someone to look after your baby or you don’t.

PND can often look like anxiety. How else are you feeling in general?

Yabu. If you accept free babysitting then they get to use discretion. As to the hands, can't get worked up about that either

Just literally buy some hand sanitizer gel and openly use it yourself, then when you are about to hand over the baby just show the bottle to her outstretched hands, she will use it without question I'd hope. Then just say there's plenty of bugs about so we're using this when we hold the baby. If she refuses then there's something wrong with her. The stairs thing, I get your concern, but I fear it may indeed sound a bit OTT. Could you have her care for the baby at your house instead? If your stairs are deemed safer?

Yabu about the stairs

But I wonder if you're just more generally not ready to leave your baby. Which is totally fine.

I use tons of childcare and babysitters now mine are older, but when they were tiny babies, I didn't leave them at all. Not till they were 5/6 months. Because of the pandemic, it was probably 10 months with DS2.

Most things can be done with a tiny baby.

YABVU. If you don't trust MIL with baby don't use her when it's convenient for you. Being mad because someone walked up the stairs is crazy

Your oh should support you though but I'd say he is concerned about hurting mils feelings.

I don’t think it’s supportive of her OH to raise an issue with his mum when it’s a complete non-issue. Help the OP with her anxiety certainly, but can you imagine the response if he complains to his mum or asks her not to go upstairs holding the baby?

Yabu. If you don't want to leave baby then don't but don't make up rules for minding your child like don't go up stairs.

YABU. You know she raised her own babies?

Please don’t do this, you’ll get that awful chemical gel on your baby.

she should wash her hands after using the toilet.
Everything else - unclench a bit. It's hard with your first baby but there it is. If you don't want her to babysit (and this isn't a fight I'd get into, but you do you) then you need to persuade your husband that his mother isn't good enough for you.

But you need to find a way forward and foster a relationship between your child and their grandmother.

You refer to 'our ' baby, not 'my ' baby, puts you streets ahead of the OP who seems to forget the father altogether!

Oh OP I get it, I was so anxious with DC1 and hated my MIL holding baby (TBF she did go absolutely bananas for a bit) but YABU, there are going to be bigger hills to die on and this isn't it. She went upstairs in her house which she goes up and down multiple times a day. You also suspect she didn't wash her hands.

forgot to say: it is absolutely vital to speak to your baby a lot. Read to them, talk to them (proper language, not baby stuff, although that's fine, too sometimes)

Their brains are like a sponge. The more they hear, the more voices they hear, the better it is for them. And being with other people, grandparents, father, away from their mother can help have a much less clingy baby, which is very good for a mum.

I love the phrase 'support you' when in reality it means let you dictate everything and not have his own opinions!

Respectfully, you need to calm down. You can't make rules about whether your baby's nan is allowed to walk upstairs with them. It's weird.

You seem to look for reasons to dislike her.

It feels like this is huge at the moment but honestly Come back in a few years, you will laugh.

Your MIL is bonding with your baby, that’s a great thing.

YABU, you can’t ban your MIL from going upstairs in her own house when she’s doing you a favour. I understand your anxiety, it’s pretty common, but you need to try and take a step back. Ether decide to trust her, or don’t, and don’t ask her to babysit again when you need help, but you can’t set rules about using stairs etc.

So? That doesn’t make one fit to look after a child.

Presumably she’s raised her son to be a fully functioning adult, even though she went upstairs with him. There’s nothing to say she isn’t fit to look after a child.

New mum = new worries

Yes your feelings are valid and yes you have a point but come on OP is your hormones doing this to you. Perhaps you could say to MIL in a lighthearted way that your worried about ANYONE carrying the baby up and downstairs on marble. Blame your hormones and say it's a fear you have in sure MIL will understand and if she doesn't then you have said your piece.

Omg really?!