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Original poster

Babysitting rules

250 replies

Freckleface24 · 20/02/2024 05:29

So yesterday we left my Baby with my
MIL. My baby is 14 weeks and I'll only leave her if it's an absolute must. Yesterday my partner and I had a meeting about our wedding (1hr) and we couldn't take baby with us so left her with MIL. She's only ever had her 1 other time so I was expecting her to just feed her , play with her a bit and if need be change a nappy. All these things can be done downstairs. Instead when we came to pick her up she said she took her upstairs to "show her around". I was abit annoyed by this because they have a really steep marble staircase and I felt really uncomfortable about her carrying my baby up and down those stairs for no reason other than a silly idea of her wanting to show the baby her dads old room. The baby is 14 weeks old so obviously isn't going to understand this. My partner thinks I was being over dramatic and silly so ovb turned into a massive argument with him. AIBU for feeling that when I'm not there I don't really want people carrying my baby up and down steep staircases for no valid reason. The more I think about it , she either came down holding banister and baby with one hand or holding baby with 2 hands and not holding the banister. I don't know what's worse. I'd like to say something to her but my partner has said don't even dare tell his mum off for something so silly. Also I'm still feeling angry at her as the other day she didn't wash her hands after using the bathroom and then held my baby. My partner says I'm too picky but I feel that there was no reason to take baby up and down steep stairs and re the washing hands issue. Ofc I'm annoyed it's extremely unhygienic and puts me in a really awkwardly situation about her holding my baby.

OP posts:
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Ella31 · 20/02/2024 05:35

This is a hard one, but if you have had no issues with your mil before can you trust that she's raised babies such as your partner when he was a child with no issue? And take comfort in that she wants to babysit. Also do you mind me asking how do you know she didn't wash her hands unless you were in the bathroom with her? Just asking as she surely dried them before she came out.

Not trying to say you are wrong by the way, just maybe that you are naturally worried about your baby.

RawBloomers · 20/02/2024 05:36

YABU. Sorry. I know it can feel overwhelming to leave your baby with someone else but your MiL was bonding with your dd, doing ordinary, low risk things. You need to relax a little. The not washing hands after using the loo isn’t great, but again, the risk is very low for an individual incident and not worth stressing about too much.

Dontsparethehorses · 20/02/2024 05:41

YABU I’m afraid. You need to trust whoever leave your baby with. Going up and down stairs is not a risky activity so your MIL hasn’t done anything wrong…

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WandaWonder · 20/02/2024 05:44

I handed our baby to the ILs and parents, list of when to feed thn left them to it, they manage to raise us as kids without a legal brief to be read by 40 witnesses and signed in blood

If you need rules then don't use their services

BarbieDangerous · 20/02/2024 05:44

YABU. It’s difficult leaving a young baby behind and I use to have these sorts of thoughts (albeit internally) however, you need to trust the person you’re leaving DC with. It’s not exactly like they were gonna run upstairs/downstairs with her unless they’re a nut

Tourmalines · 20/02/2024 05:47

Omg, she was doing some bonding and probably talking to her grandchild as she was walking around . You are being too precious. If she felt she couldn’t handle the stairs she probably wouldn’t have gone up .

Original poster
Freckleface24 · 20/02/2024 05:49

Ella31 · 20/02/2024 05:35

This is a hard one, but if you have had no issues with your mil before can you trust that she's raised babies such as your partner when he was a child with no issue? And take comfort in that she wants to babysit. Also do you mind me asking how do you know she didn't wash her hands unless you were in the bathroom with her? Just asking as she surely dried them before she came out.

Not trying to say you are wrong by the way, just maybe that you are naturally worried about your baby.

Edited

Was standing right outside the bathroom waiting to go in. Flushed and out within seconds. No time to wash hands. I'm sure of it because she's done this before and has a bad habit of not washing hands in general. Has said many times it's cold she doesn't like washing her hands and it was only a quick pee so hands not dirty. Re stairs she just doesn't think about things before acting and she makes me nervous as she's super clumsy .

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 20/02/2024 05:54

Kindly, YABU.

Your feelings are, I think, totally normal. But they are still unreasonable. I say that looking back on my own feelings when DC was a newborn, and now that DC is older.

In my opinion, risk analysis is affected by new motherhood. People have navigated stairs with babies since stairs were first invented. There are many more dangers to face that are more likely to cause harm. Unfortunately, your own anxiety is one of them.

That said, I think it is normal to be overly cautious as a new mother.

WandaWonder · 20/02/2024 05:57

Freckleface24 · 20/02/2024 05:49

Was standing right outside the bathroom waiting to go in. Flushed and out within seconds. No time to wash hands. I'm sure of it because she's done this before and has a bad habit of not washing hands in general. Has said many times it's cold she doesn't like washing her hands and it was only a quick pee so hands not dirty. Re stairs she just doesn't think about things before acting and she makes me nervous as she's super clumsy .

Show quote history

You want to win, you want to control her - you are being ridiculous but you actually know that, you need it to be done your way its weird

Ella31 · 20/02/2024 05:58

Freckleface24 · 20/02/2024 05:49

Was standing right outside the bathroom waiting to go in. Flushed and out within seconds. No time to wash hands. I'm sure of it because she's done this before and has a bad habit of not washing hands in general. Has said many times it's cold she doesn't like washing her hands and it was only a quick pee so hands not dirty. Re stairs she just doesn't think about things before acting and she makes me nervous as she's super clumsy .

Show quote history

Fair enough with the bathroom. She should wash her hands.

I still think ease up on the other stuff. I doubt she's running up and down the stairs with your child. I think you are very anxious as a new mum.

I know your baby is only 14 weeks but you said you rarely leave her. You need to find a level of comfort here as well where you can do that and not worry about the baby. I know it's hard though. Your oh should support you though but I'd say he is concerned about hurting mils feelings.

Temporaryname158 · 20/02/2024 05:58

You are being silly and you are setting yourself up for a lot of stress if you are judging people’s actions like this. Your child is precious, just like everyone else’s. You are being unreasonable and if this is a pattern of worry perhaps you need to speak to the GP as most people wouldn’t be worried about this

WandaWonder · 20/02/2024 05:59

DifficultBloodyWoman · 20/02/2024 05:54

Kindly, YABU.

Your feelings are, I think, totally normal. But they are still unreasonable. I say that looking back on my own feelings when DC was a newborn, and now that DC is older.

In my opinion, risk analysis is affected by new motherhood. People have navigated stairs with babies since stairs were first invented. There are many more dangers to face that are more likely to cause harm. Unfortunately, your own anxiety is one of them.

That said, I think it is normal to be overly cautious as a new mother.

There is a normal level of cautious and there is neurotic

Ella31 · 20/02/2024 06:01

WandaWonder · 20/02/2024 05:57

You want to win, you want to control her - you are being ridiculous but you actually know that, you need it to be done your way its weird

Show quote history

This isn't helpful. She's not controlling her mil. The op is clearly anxious and asking for guidance. This is attacking her and not productive.

Ella31 · 20/02/2024 06:02

WandaWonder · 20/02/2024 05:59

There is a normal level of cautious and there is neurotic

Show quote history

Enough now. You've posted three messages with nasty undertones.

coodawoodashooda · 20/02/2024 06:02

WandaWonder · 20/02/2024 05:44

I handed our baby to the ILs and parents, list of when to feed thn left them to it, they manage to raise us as kids without a legal brief to be read by 40 witnesses and signed in blood

If you need rules then don't use their services

Edited

Yeah. And the more Rules you have the less honest the feedback you get will be. You want it to be easy for people to talk to you about your kid. The easier it is, the more they will tell you.

GreatGateauxsby · 20/02/2024 06:02

Washing hands fair enough.
everything else yabu.

MiddleParking · 20/02/2024 06:03

I think you know that unreasonable is an understatement for expecting someone from whom you’re accepting babysitting to stay downstairs in their own house for the duration. ‘For no valid reason’ indeed. If you don’t want your MIL babysitting then don’t plan a wedding that requires baby-free meetings in the planning. But it sounds like your partner is already fed up of your behaviour.

Ella31 · 20/02/2024 06:05

Op, if I were you I'd take the helpful advise from some posters and maybe look into dealing with possible post natal anxiety. There's lots of resources out there. I'd get of this forum though as some posters just see it as means to be attack someone who is down.

Londonnight · 20/02/2024 06:15

YABVU

canttellyouwhereorwhatido · 20/02/2024 06:18

Gently, please consider having a chat with your health visitor about post natal anxiety. Some new mums find it all so overwhelming to have the level of responsibility for keeping baby safe, that it's possible your perspective can become a bit skewed. MIL did nothing wrong regarding the stairs and playing 'what if' in your head of with your partner - is guaranteed to create unhelpful drama.

The lack of hand washing is a bit yuck, but not the huge deal you have made it. This is indicative of someone whose anxiety meter is running on high. A chat with a health visitor or GP will be enormously helpful to you, your partner and your baby as anxiety has a negative affect on all of you. Good luck. x

MississippiAF · 20/02/2024 06:18

How do you think anyone manages states with a baby?

This isn’t a normal level of worry.

WaitingfortheTardis · 20/02/2024 06:24

YABU, it sounds like your MIL kept her grandchild safe and happy and enjoyed showing her around. Although your baby is too young to understand, that is how babies learn - by seeing things and being talked to. Your baby is precious to her too. I think if you haven't left your baby much it will just take a bit of getting used to.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 20/02/2024 06:25

Your DH is right, you cannot tell her off about this.

Fair enough to have some rules around babysitting but not that they can't go upstairs. Either you trust your MIL, or you don't.
If you have a specific reason to be concerned about the stairs eg your MIL is unsteady on her feet, then don't leave the baby with her.

The more I think about it , she either came down holding banister and baby with one hand or holding baby with 2 hands and not holding the banister. I don't know what's worse.

I agree with the PPs who have mentioned post natal anxiety, I think this level of thinking about what is really a complete non-issue is not reasonable. It sounds very distressing for you.

Luddite26 · 20/02/2024 06:38

I remember feeling like you with my first baby a very long time ago. But the feeling of not wanting anybody to hold her or something like hand washing would have made me feel so anxious.
I had baby blues then pnd and maybe you have.
I totally feel your anxiety about the stairs . But when you get upset over small things people ignore you over other things. I totally understand why you would feel possessive with your new baby but it's not the best way to be. Maybe you should try deep breaths and try and let things go a bit. Maybe you should start letting baby go to parents and in laws a little more often now to help reduce your anxiety.
Hand washing I'm totally with you very yucky especially when you are going to hold a newborn. You would be amazed by the amount of people who don't wash their hands. That would still annoy me but people won't change their habits. If you were to stand with hand sanitizer before any ody could hold baby - which I think would be reasonable - people would think you were being unreasonable but in reality not washing your hands after using the loo when you are going to hold a baby isn't best practice and a bit disrespectful towards you.

Allthingsdecember · 20/02/2024 06:42

Gentle YABU because I remember those early motherhood days well.

Either MIL is fit and able to babysit, which means being able to carry the baby up and downstairs. Or she’s not fit and able, which means that you shouldn’t ask her to babysit. You can’t have it both ways.