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Babysitting rules

250 replies

Freckleface24 · 20/02/2024 05:29

So yesterday we left my Baby with my
MIL. My baby is 14 weeks and I'll only leave her if it's an absolute must. Yesterday my partner and I had a meeting about our wedding (1hr) and we couldn't take baby with us so left her with MIL. She's only ever had her 1 other time so I was expecting her to just feed her , play with her a bit and if need be change a nappy. All these things can be done downstairs. Instead when we came to pick her up she said she took her upstairs to "show her around". I was abit annoyed by this because they have a really steep marble staircase and I felt really uncomfortable about her carrying my baby up and down those stairs for no reason other than a silly idea of her wanting to show the baby her dads old room. The baby is 14 weeks old so obviously isn't going to understand this. My partner thinks I was being over dramatic and silly so ovb turned into a massive argument with him. AIBU for feeling that when I'm not there I don't really want people carrying my baby up and down steep staircases for no valid reason. The more I think about it , she either came down holding banister and baby with one hand or holding baby with 2 hands and not holding the banister. I don't know what's worse. I'd like to say something to her but my partner has said don't even dare tell his mum off for something so silly. Also I'm still feeling angry at her as the other day she didn't wash her hands after using the bathroom and then held my baby. My partner says I'm too picky but I feel that there was no reason to take baby up and down steep stairs and re the washing hands issue. Ofc I'm annoyed it's extremely unhygienic and puts me in a really awkwardly situation about her holding my baby.

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bobster31 · 20/02/2024 23:15

Freckleface24 · 20/02/2024 05:29

So yesterday we left my Baby with my
MIL. My baby is 14 weeks and I'll only leave her if it's an absolute must. Yesterday my partner and I had a meeting about our wedding (1hr) and we couldn't take baby with us so left her with MIL. She's only ever had her 1 other time so I was expecting her to just feed her , play with her a bit and if need be change a nappy. All these things can be done downstairs. Instead when we came to pick her up she said she took her upstairs to "show her around". I was abit annoyed by this because they have a really steep marble staircase and I felt really uncomfortable about her carrying my baby up and down those stairs for no reason other than a silly idea of her wanting to show the baby her dads old room. The baby is 14 weeks old so obviously isn't going to understand this. My partner thinks I was being over dramatic and silly so ovb turned into a massive argument with him. AIBU for feeling that when I'm not there I don't really want people carrying my baby up and down steep staircases for no valid reason. The more I think about it , she either came down holding banister and baby with one hand or holding baby with 2 hands and not holding the banister. I don't know what's worse. I'd like to say something to her but my partner has said don't even dare tell his mum off for something so silly. Also I'm still feeling angry at her as the other day she didn't wash her hands after using the bathroom and then held my baby. My partner says I'm too picky but I feel that there was no reason to take baby up and down steep stairs and re the washing hands issue. Ofc I'm annoyed it's extremely unhygienic and puts me in a really awkwardly situation about her holding my baby.

You do realise that your MIL carried your DH up and down stairs multiple times as a baby and he survived?

EdgarAllenRaven · 21/02/2024 00:07

I do underrated your worries tbh if she is a super clumsy person… babies feel much more robust at 6 months old, so maybe take baby with you next time if you’re worried.

Delphiniumandlupins · 21/02/2024 00:34

If your MiL is only 59 she should be perfectly safe going up and down stairs carrying a baby, unless there are other factors affecting her mobility. Re not washing her hands after using the toilet, maybe you can prompt "Do you want to wash your hands before you take the baby?"

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puzzledout · 21/02/2024 00:59

A total overreaction

2024theplot · 21/02/2024 01:03

YABU, but a soft YABU. I think these anxieties are normal in first time parents, but your MIL hasn't done anything wrong here.

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Freckleface24 · 21/02/2024 03:57

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Not sure unhinged is the word I’d use to describe myself. A new first time mum suffering from post natal anxiety is how I’d describe myself at the moment. I posted here to gather opinions on whether my worries are valid or whether infact over the top. Many have opened my eyes and I’m fine with that. After all I did ask the question on here. But be gentle and kind with your words. You can just answer the question by saying YABU and that would do fine :)

OP posts:
Faith77 · 21/02/2024 04:00

Unless there is some other factor you haven't mentioned as to why you don't trust MIL, YABU. Whilst the lack of handwashing IS yucky, taking her granddaughter upstairs is NOT the crime of the century. I have very little tolerance for grandparents who cross the line (in my circumstances, my now ex-MIL was attempting religious indoctrination when my daughter was about the same age and responded with "I wish she had never been born then" when told it was not acceptable and she wasn't to do it, so a bit more concerning than taking daughter upstairs for a bit of show and tell!), but in this case, I think your concerns are slightly irrational. Your baby is still very new, and motherhood is new to you, too, so a bit or irrationality is normal, but in this case, the risk to your daughter was negligible. The hand washing issue is a bigger thing if she is prepping food/bottles or sticking her fingers in baby's mouth (!!), but for just holding baby, even that poses very little risk. Certainly not worth starting a family argument over it.

WandaWonder · 21/02/2024 04:04

I guess there is a way to explain something where it can be 'I have this issue and I am on here hoping for advice how to help me deal with it' compared with 'there are things that another person is doing and I have decided they are wrong and they need to stop because I have issues'.

Ljp1991 · 21/02/2024 04:20

You are the mother, if something makes you uncomfortable you have every right to set a boundary, your baby is very young. I do think (especially as a knew mum) sometimes the strangest of things can cause a huge anxiety and overstimulation for us, it may seem small or strange to others but our instinct kicks in and we cannot control that, you don’t need to explain yourself, I would just calmly speak to her about it, she is a mother she should understand, even start with ….”I know it might sound strange but there’s been some things that have really caused me some anxiety, I can’t really explain why, but I need you to support me and help me to feel more comfortable, is that ok?”….. then explain these things to her. It sounds so much to be planning a wedding with a 14week old, so remember to give yourself a break, be kind to yourself and be mindful that post natal anxiety is just as big of a deal as post natal depression, be mindful of when you might need that extra support and boundaries from others, and seek help if it gets too much <3

WandaWonder · 21/02/2024 04:27

Ljp1991 · 21/02/2024 04:20

You are the mother, if something makes you uncomfortable you have every right to set a boundary, your baby is very young. I do think (especially as a knew mum) sometimes the strangest of things can cause a huge anxiety and overstimulation for us, it may seem small or strange to others but our instinct kicks in and we cannot control that, you don’t need to explain yourself, I would just calmly speak to her about it, she is a mother she should understand, even start with ….”I know it might sound strange but there’s been some things that have really caused me some anxiety, I can’t really explain why, but I need you to support me and help me to feel more comfortable, is that ok?”….. then explain these things to her. It sounds so much to be planning a wedding with a 14week old, so remember to give yourself a break, be kind to yourself and be mindful that post natal anxiety is just as big of a deal as post natal depression, be mindful of when you might need that extra support and boundaries from others, and seek help if it gets too much <3

Then i would say ''I have been using stairs all my life, if me using stairs means you do not think your child is safe with me then find another babysitter'

Sure letting a child play outside in the street as a toddler alone or play with knives i can understand but there has to be a line drawn where 'anxiety' cant be used as excuse to question someone

Luddite26 · 21/02/2024 06:34

WandaWonder · 21/02/2024 04:27

Then i would say ''I have been using stairs all my life, if me using stairs means you do not think your child is safe with me then find another babysitter'

Sure letting a child play outside in the street as a toddler alone or play with knives i can understand but there has to be a line drawn where 'anxiety' cant be used as excuse to question someone

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Obviously you have never suffered from post natal anxiety or depression otherwise you would have a bit more patience.

puzzledout · 21/02/2024 06:46

Ljp1991 · 21/02/2024 04:20

You are the mother, if something makes you uncomfortable you have every right to set a boundary, your baby is very young. I do think (especially as a knew mum) sometimes the strangest of things can cause a huge anxiety and overstimulation for us, it may seem small or strange to others but our instinct kicks in and we cannot control that, you don’t need to explain yourself, I would just calmly speak to her about it, she is a mother she should understand, even start with ….”I know it might sound strange but there’s been some things that have really caused me some anxiety, I can’t really explain why, but I need you to support me and help me to feel more comfortable, is that ok?”….. then explain these things to her. It sounds so much to be planning a wedding with a 14week old, so remember to give yourself a break, be kind to yourself and be mindful that post natal anxiety is just as big of a deal as post natal depression, be mindful of when you might need that extra support and boundaries from others, and seek help if it gets too much <3

As the MIL, I would be saying, no I won't live by your arbitrary and frankly unreasonable rule's. I would not agree to not climbing the stairs with the child whilst babysitting, that's totally OTT.

The fact the OP and her DH have chosen to arrange a wedding when their child is 14 weeks is their choice and if they can't cope, then defer it.

puzzledout · 21/02/2024 06:49

@Luddite26 accepting someone has PNA does not mean going along with everything they dictates, I would not agree to a rule that said I couldn't go upstairs because it crossed a boundary. Sorry i would not allow that level of control and I would not agree to it, that doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me realistic and able to continue to help with childcare if asked.

crew2022 · 21/02/2024 06:56

It's understandable you want to protect your baby so you're not unreasonable for that.
And also if you need to leave your baby then you will have to accept that the person you leave them with is going to make choices to do certain activities etc. as long as your mil has the baby's best intentions at heart and follows your fundamental guidance for things like feeding then I think you need to let it go.

MiltonNorthern · 21/02/2024 06:59

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What??

DoorPath · 21/02/2024 07:00

Unreasonable feelings, but totally normal due to hormones. You are in the wrong here, though.

Newmum738 · 21/02/2024 07:05

Chill out! You are lucky to have a MiL to babysit!

Luddite26 · 21/02/2024 07:07

puzzledout · 21/02/2024 06:49

@Luddite26 accepting someone has PNA does not mean going along with everything they dictates, I would not agree to a rule that said I couldn't go upstairs because it crossed a boundary. Sorry i would not allow that level of control and I would not agree to it, that doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me realistic and able to continue to help with childcare if asked.

Absolutely but there is a way of supporting and trying to understand how mum is feeling and telling them to find another babysitter sounds more like you are spitting your dummy out.

bakingmummy21 · 21/02/2024 07:13

I think you need to make peace with her using the stairs - if you want to be able to have them babysit you can’t restrict this.

The hand washing thing would bother me more though, that’s a bit gross. Does she wash her hands before preparing food?! 🤮

Whattodo112222 · 21/02/2024 07:15

With kindness, you're being unreasonable OP. I'm sure you and DH have carried baby up and down the stairs too.... the lack of hand washing isn't great no, but babies put next to everything in their mouths, I really wouldn't worry.

You need to trust who you choose to leave your baby with, if this is how it makes you feel then don't do it.

puzzledout · 21/02/2024 07:17

@Luddite26 I'm not spitting any dummy out! If DIL is trying to dictate I cannot go upstairs with the baby, I would not live by those rules! I'm sorry she's unwell, but what next? Can't stand up with the baby, can't go on the kitchen.

Suffering anxiety does not mean you can dictate such ridiculous things. And as for the PP saying it's a boundary, it's not, it's a ridiculous situation and untenable.

So no dummy being spat out, just a firm, no I won't agree to that, maybe ask someone else to babysit. If you would like my help, then that rule is removed .

Sherbonla · 21/02/2024 07:22

YANBU about the hand washing. Just a polite reminder is fine here, "oh did you wash your hands?". Its a non negotiable near such small babies, don't let it eat you up just a polite reminder every time your with her.
YABU it's hard to talk to babies and MIL may have been thinking of things to do especially if she has no sensory toys. Unless MIL is a much older lady and therefore physically less able unfortunately this is your (understandable) anxiety playing over time.

Worcestershirem0mmy · 21/02/2024 07:23

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Duechristmas · 21/02/2024 07:27

YABU your MIL raised kids already, and her grandchild is precious to her. If you're not ready to leave your baby then don't, but don't dictate where MIL goes in her own house.

NameName2023 · 21/02/2024 07:45

OP - your responses have handled this so well, recognising that it’s the anxiety taking over.

Please ignore the posters saying your baby is too young to be left. She’s 14 weeks, she’ll be fine. It’s perfectly acceptable to leave your baby with someone you trust and you should not be made to feel guilty about that.