Babysitting rules

[Freckleface24]

So yesterday we left my Baby with my
MIL. My baby is 14 weeks and I'll only leave her if it's an absolute must. Yesterday my partner and I had a meeting about our wedding (1hr) and we couldn't take baby with us so left her with MIL. She's only ever had her 1 other time so I was expecting her to just feed her , play with her a bit and if need be change a nappy. All these things can be done downstairs. Instead when we came to pick her up she said she took her upstairs to "show her around". I was abit annoyed by this because they have a really steep marble staircase and I felt really uncomfortable about her carrying my baby up and down those stairs for no reason other than a silly idea of her wanting to show the baby her dads old room. The baby is 14 weeks old so obviously isn't going to understand this. My partner thinks I was being over dramatic and silly so ovb turned into a massive argument with him. AIBU for feeling that when I'm not there I don't really want people carrying my baby up and down steep staircases for no valid reason. The more I think about it , she either came down holding banister and baby with one hand or holding baby with 2 hands and not holding the banister. I don't know what's worse. I'd like to say something to her but my partner has said don't even dare tell his mum off for something so silly. Also I'm still feeling angry at her as the other day she didn't wash her hands after using the bathroom and then held my baby. My partner says I'm too picky but I feel that there was no reason to take baby up and down steep stairs and re the washing hands issue. Ofc I'm annoyed it's extremely unhygienic and puts me in a really awkwardly situation about her holding my baby.

People really should read all the OP’s posts before venting their own frustrations with a scathing attack on her.

You can’t change what happened but you can change the future.
Next time employ a nanny or babysitter. Check their qualifications, DBS and references. Write your instructions and as you are employing them they’ll do everything your way.
You can then have fun trips out and visits to grandma without worrying.

I can get your concern, but only answer is not to leave baby with her, why couldn’t baby go with you?

She loves the baby. She won't hurt the baby. I think you are majorly overreacting. But we can get like this about our babies so you aren't alone at all.

my partner has said don't even dare tell his mum off for something so silly

this is likely to be a big part of your anxiety... your partner feels he can tell you 'not to dare' do anything... and you are scared enough to go with that? he has some unhealthy control going on there.

Poor MIL dealing with you.

I am sorry but this is one of the funniest things I’ve read on here. She can’t take the baby upstairs and has to hold baby with bath hands. You need a reality check presumably your mother in law once had babies and is more experienced that you to look after a baby.

The baby is 14 weeks, not 4

So at 3 1/2 months for an hour is not unreasonable

@Freckleface24 Your partner DOES need to have a word about handwashing though. Maybe get her some nice handcream as a thank you and she can use that after.

@Freckleface24 I am going to report this thread to @MNHQ and ask them either to take it down or edit your original post. There is going to be a steady stream of posters who will only read your OP and then post without realising your disclosure of postnatal anxiety. You can report it to MN and ask them to take it down if you want.

RTFT

How do you know she didn’t was her hands then flush. And now apparently she’s clumsy ? You’re clearly not getting the responses you expected. She was bonding with her grandchild and it sounds as though you resent that for some reason. I hope you get the help you need with your post natal anxiety soon - hopefully then you’ll be able to leave your baby with MiL without the worry the issues you have with her aren’t a hill to die on IMO.

And you need to read the OP's posts

Just because it's AIBU it doesn't mean you have to be so spiteful.

Try learning how to read ALL the OP's posts

This is AIBU.

Why spoil their fun?

If your MIL thought she was unsafe carrying the baby upstairs then she wouldn't have done it.
If you have concerns, tell her.
" I am worried about you carrying the baby upstairs as they are steep"
I am worried that you will fall and it makes me nervous.
Express your concern directly to her.

If she washed her hands and then flushed, then she needs to wash them again after touching the toilet handle.

I won't address the staircase issue as you've already explained but in regards to the hygiene, as you say you know this is how she is, she has form for not washing her hands so I wouldn't leave the baby with her.
At 14 weeks she might have slept through the meeting if you had her in a sling or similar.

You sound neurotic and very precious. It's natural with a first baby but still unreasonable.

Modern toilets have a button flush. Literally a finger tip.

And what if it isn't?

One of ours still has a handle

YABU… but most of us were in the first weeks/months of becoming a mother so just please let it go. Bite your tongue and it will all pass sooner or later. (Took me 3 years but oh
well…everyone is different 😝)

Gosh, you are gonna struggle if these are the things that bother you. If you don’t trust the poor woman to walk up a flight of stairs with your LO you need to just not leave them with her.

Gosh it's normal to have all sorts of worries as a mum.

I would maybe just suggest not leaving the baby with MIL at the moment. Wait a few more months until you are more comfortable

Definitely not neurotic or precious. Just a first time mum struggling with post natal anxiety. If you are a parent then you'll know how hard leaving your baby is for the first time or in general. I'm definitely aware that my anxiety has gotten the better of me here and yes I'm getting help. I don't enjoy imagining my baby falling down the stairs obviously it's a horrible thought. The chances of it happening ? Slim but I posted here looking for feedback not insults. But my bad for thinking a platform called Mumsnet is for support , encouraging each other and or advise. My MIL is a lovely woman and I'm so grateful that she offered to keep my baby for 1 hour but unfortunately when I looked at those stairs my anxious thoughts had me imagining something horrible happening and i just thought why not stay downstairs? I was only gone an hour and half of that was spent feeding. But again . I really realize that it's not that big of a deal and after reading kind feedback and comments I'm learning how to deal with these thoughts. As for the nasty / judgmental comments. I just hope when someone else is really desperate and fragile they don't receive the backlash and insults I got because it could make someone's mental state much worse.

i agree with PPs (obviously only the kind ones!) . Either MIL is physically capable of carrying a baby and looking after her, or not. If you have any concerns that MIL may drop baby etc then just don’t ask her anymore. The hand-washing is not ideal but how do you know she did not clean her hands?

it does sound like you have an extra level of anxiety. Maybe speak to your GP or HV?

I understand that many people think I'm crazy for posting this. Maybe I shouldn't have turned here for support at all. I'm a new first time mum and I'm also a young mum. I was always a very go with the flow easy happy person. Adrenaline junkie all sorts. During and after pregnancy I've been suffering with anxiety and intrusive horrible thoughts that's something is going to happen to my baby. I've been trying to contain it in a Healthy way and receiving help too . Eg pop out for an hour and leave her with someone I trust ect to help learn that she'll be ok.I am now understanding I got it wrong about the stairs, unfortunately anxiety gives you fears you never had , steep marble stairs is one of them. I hope you never experience post natal anxiety it's not fun. All the best