Babysitting rules

[Freckleface24]

So yesterday we left my Baby with my
MIL. My baby is 14 weeks and I'll only leave her if it's an absolute must. Yesterday my partner and I had a meeting about our wedding (1hr) and we couldn't take baby with us so left her with MIL. She's only ever had her 1 other time so I was expecting her to just feed her , play with her a bit and if need be change a nappy. All these things can be done downstairs. Instead when we came to pick her up she said she took her upstairs to "show her around". I was abit annoyed by this because they have a really steep marble staircase and I felt really uncomfortable about her carrying my baby up and down those stairs for no reason other than a silly idea of her wanting to show the baby her dads old room. The baby is 14 weeks old so obviously isn't going to understand this. My partner thinks I was being over dramatic and silly so ovb turned into a massive argument with him. AIBU for feeling that when I'm not there I don't really want people carrying my baby up and down steep staircases for no valid reason. The more I think about it , she either came down holding banister and baby with one hand or holding baby with 2 hands and not holding the banister. I don't know what's worse. I'd like to say something to her but my partner has said don't even dare tell his mum off for something so silly. Also I'm still feeling angry at her as the other day she didn't wash her hands after using the bathroom and then held my baby. My partner says I'm too picky but I feel that there was no reason to take baby up and down steep stairs and re the washing hands issue. Ofc I'm annoyed it's extremely unhygienic and puts me in a really awkwardly situation about her holding my baby.

You're overreacting. It's a perfectly normal thing to carry an almost 4 month old baby up and down a staircase - marble or not. It's something families the whole world over, do multiple times a day. Unless MIL is particularly frail or elderly (waiting for the dripfeed that MIL actually has advanced MND), there's no reason why that wouldn't be okay to do.

If she's not fit and able enough to manage a very standard thing like carrying a baby, they you shouldn't have asked her to babysit. It doesn't work both ways.

Needless to say, she DIDN'T drop baby down the stairs, so no harm, no foul.

YANBU. The lack of handwashing is disgusting in particular. Don’t make an argument with your partner. Just don’t leave the baby with your MIL in future. When you go to her house (if you can’t avoid it) keep the baby in a sling on your chest and make an excuse if you don’t want her to hold the baby with her gross toilet hands.

Hand washing,yanbu

Stairs, yabvu

Yes, you the AH.

Of course baby's like stimulation, they are almost 4 months and are likely almost sitting up and wanting to play!

It's not like she went in a car somewhere...

I would call her out each time not washing her hands after the bathroom that’s bloody gross. Even more so to hold your baby

I haven’t read all the replies but I know you’ll be told YABU.

However… my MIL has fallen down the stairs 3 times, so does not take my baby up or down the stairs. Her choice, but I’m glad she said it so I didn’t have too. She’s not frail, and no reason I can see that she would fall, she’s just been unlucky! She first fell when she was 60, she’s 68 now. since her last fall when I was 8 months pregnant (unconscious, blue light to hospital), we were staying over and were literally mopping up her blood. I’ve been VERY reluctant to have people with the baby on the stairs since. If there is a need to take the baby upstairs, then fair enough, but why otherwise! Feels unnecessary, and does introduce risk (however small) so I understand how you feel. These things aren’t typically considered or worried about until you experience trauma, or anxiety.

She'd also need to arrange another babysitter when she wants the baby looked after.

YABU.

I get intrusive thoughts all of the time, picture the kids getting injured or dying daily but you can’t let it get into your head. Stairs are a very normal part of life and it’s even scarier when they have to learn to get up and down them on their own. You really can’t expect her to stay downstairs, it’s just as dangerous to leave the baby downstairs on her own if she needed to go upstairs. Everything has a small risk when it comes to babies unfortunately

Tbh you need to pick your battles if you continue to pick at his mother you might find the wedding cancelled. If the sexes were reversed and man was saying this to his partner about her mother they would be told its a red flag and their partner is being controlling.

@Freckleface24 the stairs wouldn't bother me unless there's an underlying mobility issue (eg if MIL is unsteady on her feet at the best of times, in which case she'd probably not be a good babysitting option anyway). The lack of hand washing is just plain manky though.

I've been there with post-natal anxiety, and it's tough, but you can and will get through this. Speak with people for support where you can and don't let anxiety overrule reason.

Tbh, even now, the hand washing would be a deal-breaker for me for having someone look after a small baby. Hygiene is important. It's not like she's being expected to jet wash her hands with bleach. Soap and water after going to the toilet is pretty much the bare minimum.

YABU and I hope you get help. You're not ready to leave your child with anyone. Pick your battles with MIL. You don't get to dictate how she moves around in her own house, especially not if you want a decent relationship with her in the future.

Definitely see someone about your anxiety.

And I mean that in a nice way. I'm the mother who had a full on melt-down in the middle of John Lewis because DH stood too close to the edge of the escalator with 14 week old DD in a sling - and she might have fallen out and over the edge.

15 years later, I can see the absurdity of my reaction, but it was very real and very frightening at the time. I got to the point I could barely leave the house I was so scared of falling over with her or the pram being hit by a car. GP and HV were lovely to me over it and a big help with dealing with what was actually the start of PND.

if you'd said this in your original post - Unfortunately at the moment I'm suffering from quite severe post natal anxiety.

I like to think that the replies would have been a lot kinder to you, but who knows AIBU is fucking horrible most of the time!

just editing to say I see that you didn't post with a poll asking if you were being unreasonable but all the same, I stick by what I say. Wishing you well OP.

Wow, there are some incredibly nasty comments in here.

YABU about the stairs, I think -- unless she has a history of falling or has any other mobility issues, as mentioned by some PPs.

YANBU about the hand washing. You can just ask her to wash her hands before she holds the baby, but if you're leaving her to babysit, there isn't much you can do about her hygiene while you aren't there. It kind of sounds like you would be more comfortable with someone else (or perhaps no one at the moment?) watching your baby. Not sure if there is anyone else you might ask?

Just want to say post natal anxiety and depression are beyond shit and I hope you’re over the worst of it soon

@KevinKostnerOfferedMeACremeEggOnce

Firstly, OP has already said she has post-natal anxiety, which is a mental health problem and she's going to get more help with that. It's not nice to call people unhinged when they're actually experiencing health problems that aren't their fault in any way.

Secondly, while it wouldn't necessarily be something I would worry about as I've been taking DC up and down concrete stairs since they came home from hospital, I can understand that a first-time mum leaving her child for the first time might feel transiently nervous with their baby having been taken up and down hard stairs by someone else while they weren't there. Particularly if it hadn't occurred to the mum that it might happen.

Yeah, very unreasonable I would say. You strike me as someone with nothing else to worry or think about. This is such a low risk activity and the baby was fine. Your MIL was just bonding with her- it’s cute.
Raising a child, you are going to come across some real, genuine things to worry about, and I just don’t think this is one of them!
I do agree the washing hands thing isn’t great though!

Obviously
YABu

Yabu, but I would have been the same when my first born was that age and I had PPA. I’m glad you’re getting some help and hope it passes soon for you x

yabu

OP, I hope you're getting good support for your PND. And I hope your partner is being supportive.

Poor MIL 😞 I’m glad her son stuck up for her…

Edit to add I just read you have PND/PNA. However I still think it’s not a coincidence it’s almost always the MIL in these situations that can do no right.