Babysitting rules

[Freckleface24]

So yesterday we left my Baby with my
MIL. My baby is 14 weeks and I'll only leave her if it's an absolute must. Yesterday my partner and I had a meeting about our wedding (1hr) and we couldn't take baby with us so left her with MIL. She's only ever had her 1 other time so I was expecting her to just feed her , play with her a bit and if need be change a nappy. All these things can be done downstairs. Instead when we came to pick her up she said she took her upstairs to "show her around". I was abit annoyed by this because they have a really steep marble staircase and I felt really uncomfortable about her carrying my baby up and down those stairs for no reason other than a silly idea of her wanting to show the baby her dads old room. The baby is 14 weeks old so obviously isn't going to understand this. My partner thinks I was being over dramatic and silly so ovb turned into a massive argument with him. AIBU for feeling that when I'm not there I don't really want people carrying my baby up and down steep staircases for no valid reason. The more I think about it , she either came down holding banister and baby with one hand or holding baby with 2 hands and not holding the banister. I don't know what's worse. I'd like to say something to her but my partner has said don't even dare tell his mum off for something so silly. Also I'm still feeling angry at her as the other day she didn't wash her hands after using the bathroom and then held my baby. My partner says I'm too picky but I feel that there was no reason to take baby up and down steep stairs and re the washing hands issue. Ofc I'm annoyed it's extremely unhygienic and puts me in a really awkwardly situation about her holding my baby.

I get it. I hated walking down the stairs with my daughter. I still do, I was so happy when she was able to climb the stairs herself. I pictured us both falling or me dropping her every time. My sister spoke about not liking other people carrying her daughter on the stairs either. I had severe MH problems after birth but my sister didn't have any thing of note.

I do come from a clumsy house hold and in the last year two family members have had significant falls down the stairs. One was in hospital for 3 weeks followed by physio for 9 months. The other just had bad bruising. I love both dearly but they have broken numerous bones each doing nothing particularly dangerous. It wasn't an issue with my first born as no body else held her never mind walked down the stairs with her due to covid. If I was to have another child there will be some people who I wouldn't leave my daughter in a situation where they would need or want to go upstairs with them. There are other people where I wouldn't bat an eyelid as long as they were doing it in slippers or whilst carrying other things.

There are things in life that are you things, them things, MH things and mum (new mum) things. For me this is a mix of a me, MH and new mum thing and whilst I might not like it as long as nothing was done with malice I would let it go and not say anything because it's not issues no their issues that makes me uneasy.

My daughter has allergies and I'm not comfortable with other people providing food for her. Most situations are engineered so that they don't have her at meal times. I don't go I don't trust you so I'm not going to let you feed her we just arrange things for 2pm instead of 12. If things happen for other reasons and others do feed her I double check everything and keep my insecurities quite so they don't realise my discomfort. I know they wouldn't do anything on purpose and they do take very good care to make sure things are safe. I see the stairs in a similar way. I might not like it but I know they will do their best to keep her safe with whatever they do with her.

Take care and I hope you are getting the appropriate support. I had a difficult time too with severe pnd and pyschosis. It was bloody hard but I am out the other side back in my normal life.

YANBU. My baby is a similar age and I have also suffered badly with PPA including intrusive thoughts about accidents, particularly falls/ things falling onto my baby. I have gradually improved a lot but I still like to keep my baby in my sight unless they are with DH, and I don't like anyone to carry them around except me or DH. I know this has upset my lovely mum and MIL a bit which I am truly sorry about but I've had to request the boundaries I need so that I can get better. If people respect my wishes I feel more confident and this has helped me be comfortable with more things e.g. other relatives do hold my baby when I am there too. I think you and others should prioritise your feelings for now as you're the one who has recently gone through pregnancy and childbirth and are now suffering these horrible thoughts; until you get better with time or treatment if necessary. Xx

She asked her MIL to babysit! It wasn't forced on her!

I do see what you mean. To clarify, I think going forward though it would be fine for the OP to gently raise with others anything that particularly worries her so they can work things out in a way that supports her through her anxieties, while she gets better. Perhaps that means not having others babysit for a while, I agree.

I have a disability that affects my coordination and balance, but even I felt comfortable taking my baby up and down stairs, especially when they were this little, so not like to lean out and off balance me. Taking a baby up and down stairs is normal and safe. Unless there is a special reason for mother in law being unsafe, it's fine. If you don't like doing it fine, but other people can. You really need to be ok with other people doing things that are safe with your children.

YANBU that's gross about the hand washing. And people fall on stairs often you hear all the time some clown dropping hot drinks on their own babies or breaking their legs by falling down the stairs. She's sounds like a daft old woman.

Yes the more I hear the more I think people love to jump on a bandwagon saying that the new mum is crazy and hormonal and overreacting - especially other women. But in all honesty clumsy people hurt their kids all the time and it's your most precious possession. I'd just take baby in a sling next time and don't go places that baby isn't allowed until she's older and more robust.

Wow how disgustingly patronising. The type of woman to undermine her piers by calling out genuine concerns as "hysteria". Shame on you.

Wandanotsowonder. What a stupid reply. Who are these idiots on Mumsnet just now? The ones that say "accidents happen" when their kids get scalded by their hot tea or dropped off the bed because they put them down for a second taking chances. Obviously just not very safety minded. OP clearly has reason to have concerns and you lot are scum trying to undermine her instincts. Babies die of infections being handled by dirty hands. Babies get dropped by folk not being careful enough.

I disagree postnatal anxiety is a natural response driven to keep baby safe. It has happened to literally every mum I know and tbh mums feelings during this time and boundaries (however ridiculous they seem) should be respected until mum feels she can trust the other carers around her. Treatment isn't for mums to internalise these feelings and reach out for "help". It's the job of the family members to dispel those feelings by reinforcing a sense of trust. Also not washing hands isn't just a bit yuck it can cause serious illness in infants under six months as they haven't developed any immunity.

Yes she's said she's noticed how clumsy she is. People fall down stairs all the time so actually her concern is real. We don't know what weight baby is either. Holding a floppy baby with one hand on marble stairs seems an unnecessary risk to take. And for what reward? I don't get it. People are situationally unaware and at our parents age balance issues are very common.

Totally agree OP and honestly, your worries are NOT unfounded. I would avoid leaving baby for the time being for your own peace of mind until they've gained your trust or when you see baby being less vulnerable to avoid conflict.

Not washing hands isn’t great, but in a few months time your baby will be putting their hands in all sorts of things on the ground then putting their hands in their mouth. I imagine the risk of a grandparent not washing their hands will be minimal, just like the risk of all of the things the baby will touch over the years that could be deemed disgusting.

If you’re not able to trust someone who has raised a child to look after your child safely, then don’t leave them with them. Maybe your baby was fussing and grandma thought it might be helpful to walk around with them for a little, and going upstairs and talking to baby could have been the thing that helped. I understand marble stairs might feel scary. But do you really expect your MIL to not go upstairs in her own house at all while looking after the baby? It’s a good job she doesn’t have her only toilet up those stairs (presumably) isn’t it?

I think it is really uncalled for to call someone pathetic for mental health symptoms. The OP has been quite open about their pna and has realised that these thoughts are symptoms of that and not that the MIL is doing anything inherently wrong.

She can't help the way she feels and the thoughts she is having but nevertheless she is engaging with help from subsequent posts. Support in navigating this world alongside her severe pna is more appropriate that belittling someone that is already down with words like pathetic

My pnd made me dread taking my daughter up and down the stairs as every time I did I could see her crumpled at the bottom of the stairs because I had fallen or dropped her. Are you saying this makes me pathetic?

As someone who slipped and fell from the wooden stairs (wearing socks) not one but a few times - and I'm not an old woman and wouldn't call myself clumsy - I actually understand you and don't think you BU. Perhaps people asnwering here don't realize the danger of slippery stairs or never lived in the house with ones? And yes older people fall all the time or at least more often than what commentators think. I'd be also anxious and 'neurotic' about this.

Sweetheart I have anxiety but this is definitely unreasonable.
You can't expect people to never take your child up and down stairs.
Your basically saying you don't trust your mil to be able to carry a child and if that's the case she shouldn't have the baby at all.
It's normak to worry about little babies but I think you need to apologise and maybe take a step back because it's not ok.
I'd be so insulted if my daughter in law basically insinuated I can't carry my own grandchild up and down stairs.

Do you live in a house with stairs?

I completely get where you are coming from OP! BTW who has marble stairs? Lol.

It's clearly making you uncomfortable so next time she looks after her I'd say 'I know this sounds silly but I worry about your stairs with them being so hard and baby is becoming a fidget bum sometimes. Would you mind not taking her upstairs?' It doesn't have to be an argument. And your DP can do one telling you not to mention it.

Also understand re hand washing- and is she washing her hands after dirty nappies?! We had an anti bac rule for holding the baby anyway. Maybe start doing that with all visitors and even you and DP when you're out and about and just make it something for everyone so you're not essentially calling your MIL dirty or whatever.

We had an issue with my mum not washing her hands after dirty nappies, and I know it's just cos they didn't used to back then, but we gently reminded her and she did from then on. It's all about delivery.

How do you and your DH walk up and downstairs with your baby? Do you have stairs? What exactly is it concerning you? Is it that you yourself don't use the stairs with baby or are you concerned that MIL won't take as much care as you do? If it's the latter, is there anything that would give you that impression? It does seem overly dramatic for the scenario you paint, so is there more to this worry than you've said?

Maybe you should have been wearing something on your feet with more grip . We all know socks are slippery.

Washing hands I understand

Stairs I think YABU. But I understand as a new mum you may be anxious about everything.

Yep, my mum brought grippy slipper socks whenever she came to visit and help with DS

Yes I definitely should have, but that's not the point. The point is - people DO fall from the stairs. Especially older/clumsy ones. So yes I wouldn't go up and down the stairs with a little baby for absolutely no reason. Maybe im overly anxious or maybe I just know how dangerous stairs are from my own experience. Luckily I have only fractured my tailbone and nothing else. Would have been much worse if I held a baby at the time

Yes, your overly anxious.