Babysitting rules

[Freckleface24]

So yesterday we left my Baby with my
MIL. My baby is 14 weeks and I'll only leave her if it's an absolute must. Yesterday my partner and I had a meeting about our wedding (1hr) and we couldn't take baby with us so left her with MIL. She's only ever had her 1 other time so I was expecting her to just feed her , play with her a bit and if need be change a nappy. All these things can be done downstairs. Instead when we came to pick her up she said she took her upstairs to "show her around". I was abit annoyed by this because they have a really steep marble staircase and I felt really uncomfortable about her carrying my baby up and down those stairs for no reason other than a silly idea of her wanting to show the baby her dads old room. The baby is 14 weeks old so obviously isn't going to understand this. My partner thinks I was being over dramatic and silly so ovb turned into a massive argument with him. AIBU for feeling that when I'm not there I don't really want people carrying my baby up and down steep staircases for no valid reason. The more I think about it , she either came down holding banister and baby with one hand or holding baby with 2 hands and not holding the banister. I don't know what's worse. I'd like to say something to her but my partner has said don't even dare tell his mum off for something so silly. Also I'm still feeling angry at her as the other day she didn't wash her hands after using the bathroom and then held my baby. My partner says I'm too picky but I feel that there was no reason to take baby up and down steep stairs and re the washing hands issue. Ofc I'm annoyed it's extremely unhygienic and puts me in a really awkwardly situation about her holding my baby.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about your anxiety levels? It's incredibly overwhelming having a new baby to worry about, but stressing over every little thing is going to be exhausting.

Op , I could of wrote this post myself , my baby is 12 weeks old and I genuinely have to physically stop myself thrusting the hand sanitiser at anyone who holds her ( dramatic but true 🙈)
I thought I was just being cautious but after reading the replies here I think I may chat to my HV regarding PNA , I also get the awful thoughts of people carrying the baby up and down stairs etc , im crazy about car seat safety this time round ( big age gap between Ds and Dd and advice has changed massively making me question everything) and am already thinking of excuses not to attend events months away as I can't bare the thought of leaving her with anyone .
So thank you for this post and hope you are ok as I know feeling this way and having to bite your tongue is exhausting 😘

I would have far more of an issue with the hand washing but do agree, I never carried my baby up the stairs unless I had to.

I think you can just tell me YABU or YANBU. That’s all I asked. My anxiety hasn’t popped out of nowhere. Was a question from my end and I needed answers not insults.

I hope you manage to get through this ❤️ I understand you completely too x

I’ve had PNA so I really get this.
It’s horrible to think of all these situations where your baby could get injured.
I also think at 14 weeks it’s ok not to trust someone else to look after them yet. Give it a little longer, baby will be sturdier, and then try again.
x

If you don’t trust her personal hygiene or ability to walk up stairs with your child then I don’t think you can have her babysitting for you.

Sometimes I think you just need some tough reality. You’re annoyed because your baby’s grandparent has gone upstairs with your baby. She hasn’t taken him to a warzone! You need to calm down for the sake of your child and your relationship. I hope you do :)

YABU. But, I know how overwhelming it is to have your first baby and leaving them is very difficult. It wasn’t until I had my second that I laughed at myself for all the things I used to get annoyed at with people. Ask yourself how many times she’s fallen down the stairs before? I remember my mum saying to me to be careful on my stairs while carrying my baby, and I felt really offended thinking why in the world would I all of a sudden start falling down the stairs, and I was so annoyed at her for suggesting that I was that stupid to not be careful while carrying my own baby, obviously that’s ridiculous to be annoyed. The way you feel when you’ve just had a baby is quite different from the way everyone else feels and it’s hard for people to understand you, only people that have had babies and maybe suffered a bit of anxiety post partum will understand how you feel, and it can be hard and overwhelming when no one understands.

@Freckleface24 I completely understand how you feel right now. Anxiety and the intrusive thoughts are so hard to navigate, and unfortunately as you start to recover you can go the other way and overlook things you shouldn’t by trying to guess what would the average person without anxiety do. My only advice is you need to be open and honest with your partner and trust in his decision making and opinions. And explain to him he needs to be calm and rational when you bring these things up and try to talk it though with you so you can see it’s reasonable or your thoughts are totally justified.

AIBU is definitely the wrong place for helpful suggestions and support, I'm afraid.

YABU, but you already know you have postpartum anxiety which you're getting help for (excellent to hear). Maybe listen to DP a bit more, and it's not worth having a massive argument over. Get well soon!

Just coming to say I also got married just after having a baby and we took the baby to everything to do with planning etc, we had no choice. So don't feel pressured to leave the baby with people, usually it's fine to take a young baby anywhere.

Please get help

I think this is OTT as she’s raised children before, rules like this are what cause unneeded issues with in-laws.. as it’s always the in-laws, never seems to be the maternal parents who have the rules

Unfortunately at the moment I'm suffering from quite severe post natal anxiety

You probably should have mentioned that. People would have been kinder.

Agreed. It's hard to leave your baby but you can't control someone in their own house. That's more then regular anxiety

But Dil isn't dictating she's asking if it's a reasonable anxiety that miscarried baby up and down marble stairs. The answer no it's not a reasonable anxiety so possible you are suffering from post natal disorder.
OP hasn't come on saying she doesn't want mil babysitting etc she was asking if her worries were over the top and she has accepted people's replies and she is working on it.
Hopefully mil can work on her hand washing technique too.

I get it OP, I had PDA pretty bad, it got worse and worse and was keeping me up at night so I went on medication for a while, shes a toddler now and I feel much better anxiety wise and not on meds anymore.

My parents have tile floors throughout their house and I used to get really anxious about it especially when she started to move around, I had to proper keep myself in check which was mentally exhausting… honestly? Medication helped and reminding myself she managed to raise all of us without a hitch with those same tile floors. I imagine your MIL will be being extra careful, it’s hard looking after someone else’s baby and having that responsibility.

I don't think you or your baby are really ready to be separated. It's very healthy to be protective over your newborn infant and want the best for them. I appreciate that your wedding commitment meant you couldn't bring your baby but your fiance could go and video call you next time.

YABU. If you can't even cope with someone carrying your child around you shouldn't be leaving them.

I understand your issue over stairs - I was terrified of falling down the stairs with my DC, had actual nightmares about it both during and after the pregnancy - either me falling or my DH. I got funny about his walking up/down the stairs holding our child too (and he was equally liberal with his ‘WTF?’ face/replies when I explained how I was feeling) because on some visceral level I felt only I could protect DC properly.

I talked to my HV about it and she said it was a pretty normal - albeit neurotic - fear for first time mums. Lack of sleep, enormity of having a new, tiny fragile being in our charge, hormones etc., all make it hard to be totally rational when you are adjusting to life as a mother. So, I would encourage you to talk to your HV and also share this ‘irrational’ fear with your MiL - she will likely understand and you may even bond over it, after all she loves her DGC too.

Over the years I have met at least three other mums with the exact same fear - and it does pass.

Sending a hug!

Love the empathy and support for a new mum here.

MN is such a compassionate and helpful resource for mothers, isn’t it?

[yep, I am being sarcastic]

YABU but you clearly realise that you are and understand the reasons why. I am glad you are getting help for your postnatal anxiety.

It's not really the point but any wedding supplier who told me I couldn't take my 14 week old to an appointment wouldn't get my custom. There are very very few places you genuinely cannot take a tiny baby.

Well if you’re “nuts” (nice wasn’t it?) then so was I, many years ago. My MIL would have a cigarette outside, then blow on her fingers (?!) and pick my newborn up. She was also a very scatty driver and I was too “nuts” to let her pick the baby up and drive halfway round the M25 when she wanted to have him. I also kindly refused her suggestion that a drop of whiskey in the bottle might help soothe, and that I should put the baby in more layers at night. She is a lovely well meaning woman, but my god I was frazzled when she visited.

I also had PND and I do see that you need to find a balance but whether it was my PND perspective or not, I would have worried about those marble stairs too. And definitely about the hand washing, that’s just gross anyway. You’re not alone with your thoughts on this, OP.