Babysitting rules

[Freckleface24]

So yesterday we left my Baby with my
MIL. My baby is 14 weeks and I'll only leave her if it's an absolute must. Yesterday my partner and I had a meeting about our wedding (1hr) and we couldn't take baby with us so left her with MIL. She's only ever had her 1 other time so I was expecting her to just feed her , play with her a bit and if need be change a nappy. All these things can be done downstairs. Instead when we came to pick her up she said she took her upstairs to "show her around". I was abit annoyed by this because they have a really steep marble staircase and I felt really uncomfortable about her carrying my baby up and down those stairs for no reason other than a silly idea of her wanting to show the baby her dads old room. The baby is 14 weeks old so obviously isn't going to understand this. My partner thinks I was being over dramatic and silly so ovb turned into a massive argument with him. AIBU for feeling that when I'm not there I don't really want people carrying my baby up and down steep staircases for no valid reason. The more I think about it , she either came down holding banister and baby with one hand or holding baby with 2 hands and not holding the banister. I don't know what's worse. I'd like to say something to her but my partner has said don't even dare tell his mum off for something so silly. Also I'm still feeling angry at her as the other day she didn't wash her hands after using the bathroom and then held my baby. My partner says I'm too picky but I feel that there was no reason to take baby up and down steep stairs and re the washing hands issue. Ofc I'm annoyed it's extremely unhygienic and puts me in a really awkwardly situation about her holding my baby.

The hands thing is rank and I agree on this.

However, gently OP, you are a new mum and you will look back on this and feel you were being precious. It’s totally normal to feel anxious about leaving your new baby but you do need to learn to recognise what’s reasonable from what isn’t. Your mil looked after your baby and and went upstairs in her own house, that’s not risky or neglectful.

You being batshit! It's pretty normal when you just had a new baby but you will have a happier and more relaxed life if you can knock this on the head!

Ye should wash hands but bet many don't

Does babies dad wash hands after every wee? Many men don't

Rest. Yes being totally silly and over dramatic like your partner said

Mil prob held baby in her arm with arm under head and round leg the way that I carry babies and toddlers downstairs

They can't fall from me but I use other hand to hold on to banister to steady me /keep me and child safe from falling

How do you carry your baby up and down Stairs ?

One handed

Or two hands and not holding on

You are being dramatic!

if you don’t feel comfortable leaving your baby with someone then don’t do it. You can’t dictate what they do in their own home.

Just out of interest. How often has MIL fallen down the stairs in the past?

YABU. She only took the baby upstairs. Hardly the worst crime is it?

Also when I carry my six week old down the stairs I hold her with one arm and the bannister with the other… I don’t understand what you think is wrong with this.

The hand washing isn’t great but I’m curious as to how you know???

So she held the bannister with one hand and the baby with the other.

Eh... that's what most folks would do.

I think you should consider your nasty comments again. Unfortunately at the moment I'm suffering from quite severe post natal anxiety. To a point where it keeps me up at night , and yes I am getting help for it. I posted here looking for support as I'm currently trying to learn the difference between normal worries with a newborn and when I'm being overly anxious for nothing. Point taken im worrying over nothing, but trust me no one has to brace their selves for anything. Yes I get that maybe she didn't do anything wrong by showing the baby round but someone suffering from severe post natal anxiety my brain starts picturing something terrible happening. This platform is meant to be for advice and support not insults.

If I've cleaned the sink and push the plug down and someone uses the loo if the plug isn't pushed up or water in the bowl it means they haven't washed their hands!
My youngest used to stand outside the bathroom and shout 'hands!' as her dad came out because she knew he wasn't washing them! When she was about 6.

I’m sorry you’re struggling with anxiety OP, it will get easier in time and you will find it easier to trust people with your baby but at the moment it will be really hard. As PPs have said I think the stair thing is fine, hand washing is a bit gross but in reality it’s not going to cause any harm to your baby. I’d get DH to speak to her about that one more just for general hygiene. It’s so natural to not want to leave your baby with anyone else when they’re so little, it does get better as they get bigger and a bit more independent.

3 generations of babies in my family were raised on the 5th floor of an apartment block with no lift. Not a single accident despite being carried up and down 11 flights of stairs several times a day. Would never cross my mind to forbid anyone taking my baby up some stairs in their own house.

YABU I’m afraid.

Try to think of it in a positive way, she did take the baby upstairs and nothing bad happened. So that’s a fear that you’ve now overcome because it’s happened and it was fine.

I get how you are feeling. I would worry about a marble staircase.
And I feel yuck at the thought of people not washing their hands - so many people don't in places like Sainsbury's toilets. You would think after COVID they would have got better.
I don't think it's fair to make this your problem.
But I feel if you were to let your mum and mil have baby a bit more and try to close your eyes to things it may help you.

If I was one of them I would offer to come to you and maybe take baby out.
My youngest got meningitis at 14 weeks and we had been in what seemed to be a stuffy cafe as exh had wanted a fry up. Babies immune systems can be easily compromised. I think your concerns are not unreasonable but sometimes it's better to takes deep breath and let baby go a little before they get to a clingy stage. And give yourself some self care you are always the centre of your babies world even if they have spent a full day with grandma.
The problem is when you can't stand mil being left with baby and you are not actually saying that. But if people don't do reasonable things like hand washing round a newborn they aren't being fair either.
I think the younger you are the harder it is too but that's just my experience. You are only wanting the best for your baby.
When I was young with pnd I had a lovely health visitor and her just talking and reassuring me was invaluable.

Oh sweetie, AIBU isn't for advice and support - you'd be better putting this in parenting or chat if that's what you're after.

So with respect, getting upset and anxious about someone carrying a baby up and down the stairs is not a normal worry.

You need to try and relax and trust your mother in law, she’s raised at least one child successfully. Walking a baby around a house is a very normal thing to do, as is walking up and down the stairs whilst holding a baby.

AIBU is not generally the place to post for advice- people are much more harsh here. I’d suggest posting on the parenting boards for more sensible advice.

Yabvu and tbh sound like you have some kind of post natal anxiety because this just is such an over reaction. Have you spoke to your Dr or health visitor about the anxiety you are having about your baby? It took me a long time to accept I had PND /anxiety but it was better when I got help.

She’s clearly stated she has post natal anxiety and is receiving treatment for it.

You either trust her to look after your child or you don't.

Oh just seen this reply. Yes I thought this was post natal anxiety.

What support / help are you getting? I had severe post natal anxiety too with graphic intrusive thoughts. Medication helped.

Kindly yabu in this situation. Totally understandable as you just had a baby and hormones are high.

Really good to hear you are getting help for your anxiety. Sounds like it may be starting to help as you thought to post to check if walking up and down stairs with a baby is ok. At least you are recognising that it is a normal thing to do and it’s your anxiety that is making you feel that it’s not.

Don’t post in AIBU and then get upset if people are saying yes YABU.
I’m a grandma and used to being given instructions ( because I accept things change over time) about how my DS and DIL would like me to look after my grandchildren especially when they were little babies, but being forbidden to go upstairs in my own home would be a step too far for me.

@Freckleface24 I just wanted to commend you with the grace in your last reply. It's rare people come back and say ok maybe I got it wrong. To be able to speak so eloquently about your anxiety in the face of some snide replies is admirable.

She raised your husband to be so it's a bit insulting to have a go at her.

I wouldn't like the No hand washing but I would actually say something to her or indeed to anyone.

The stair thing is ridiculous, the woman goes up and down them every day.