Angry at parner for changing jobs

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My partner and I have an almost 2-year-old daughter. It was a long road to get to her after 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I also had postpartum depression and it took a while for us to get into the swing of parenting. After a year of mat leave, I went back to work, reducing my house from full-time to 3 days. It is a tough juggling act but I am so glad I get to spent 2 weekdays with my daughter. After such a strenuous journey to get to parenthood (and settle in it), things finally felt good.

My partner managed to negotiate a deal with her employer when I returned to work which allowed her to drop her hours from full-time to 4 days. This meant that she could look after our daughter 1 day a week and they could spend valuable time together too.

Towarda the end of last year, my partner continued to express that she was unhappy at work. There were justified reasons for this (nothing too sinister - an unsupportive management and a dying sales market). What grinds me is that there were a variety of things my partner could have done to try to improve things but she didn’t act on any of them. She went bullish and decided to go for interviews. Before I had much time to process this, she had a job offer. She accepted it when I was very unwell with Covid and didn’t have the energy to properly debate whether it was the right choice.

Today she has gone away for the week to start her new role. She has given up her 1 day a week with our daughter and returned to full-time which has killed me. We have now had to increase our daughter’s nursery days from 2 to 3. Although she is doing well at present, we went through months of inconsolable screaming at each drop off. The thought of that happening again terrifies me. I am dreading taking my daughter in for the extra day and am worried she’ll feel let down or abandoned.

Further to this, my partner’s new job means earlier starts so I lose an extra half hour of my night/morning. She has also had to obviously give back her previous company car which I was insured on and loved driving, and has now got a new car which is a massive estate. As a nervous driver, I doubt I’ll ever get behind the wheel of it. And lastly, the new job is £2,000 less per annum than the previous one. So all of this for less income.

My partner knows I am upset, mostly about mt daughter having to increase her days at nursery. I have tried to be supportive and said we need to give it time but I am feeling so upset and bitter about it today. I put my body through a lot during IVF and pregnancy. I found maternity leave very hard but carried on and saw it through. I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold. I guess I just wish my partner had also just grit her teeth, at least for another year or so, until our daughter was at preschool.

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar. Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to feel less angry?

I think losing the extra day of childcare should have been discussed a lot more. But I also know what it's like to really hate your job and want to move on.

I think she should definitely try to arrange a four day week with her new employer though so your dd can have the same number of days at nursery.

I'd approach it that way.

Please try to write this post from her perspective as honestly as you can - you seem to be lacking and empathy towards your partner here. Maybe being the breadwinner in a stressful job with a dying sales market was tougher on her than you think

Yabu. All of this is about you. Its thevworst thing being unhappy in a job. It reakky affects mental health

Do you really think they want to work longer hours.more days for less pay?

Your poor partner must have been struggling nore than you recognise. Perhaps they were under so much pressure that the job was at risk too.

You need to be more supportive of them your post is all about you and is dismissive of your partners feelings entirely

Stop being so selfish

Sorry but I think YABU as maybe one half of the partnership needs to work full time. Especially as that was her option when leaving a job she didn't like.

3 days in nursery is fine for your DD.

Think the bigger picture, as this is only for 4 years or so.

Your post is all about you and your feelings but perhaps your partner was very unhappy in her role, under lots of pressure or saw the potential for redundancy and has moved to a more secure position. I do think there should have been more discussion but now you need to make the most of it, you can still drive the car, your daughter still has four days a week with a parent. Parenting and work juggle is always hard and I’m sorry you’re struggling but you need to be supportive too.

YABU. Your partner doesn't 'owe' you because you went through IVF & pregnancy. Sounds like they were desperate to get out of a job they hated.

It sounds like you have had a really rough few years and are finally getting into a space you feel more comfortable in. I agree with others that you might want to see it a little more from your partners position. If she hated her job and there was declining sales things must have been stressful. New cars are always a shift but if you tell yourself you won’t be able to do something, you won’t. To be honest £2000 isn’t the biggest drop in earnings.
You obviously really value not using much childcare, that’s fine but plenty of children manage in full time child care. Plus 3 days a week is a good mix. But I think the key to all this is to talk to your partner. You have chosen to make sacrifices in terms of your career. Do you now feel financially vulnerable? If you do, talk to your partner about it. But I think overall in the kindest possible way you are being quite unreasonable.

Wow. No wonder she didn't discuss it with you beforehand.
You seem quite self centred, only mention how it affects you not your partner

You sound very overwhelmed and stressed.

Honestly although there's definitely a lack of communication here, your DP is not being unreasonable.
For example an estate car is not ridiculously large and is a practical solution for a family car. Working full time also not unheard of and putting a kid in nursery 3 days also really not unusual (in fact often kids less than 3 days struggle to settle according to nursery staff I spoke to).
So there's something underneath all this. It sounds like you feel resentful (and I say this gently) about all you've been to to get your DD and the effort you are going to to look after her. Do you feel unappreciated? Do you think your DP should do more?
I'd recommend some couples counselling to help work through the underlying issues rather than focusing on car, job etc

I understand about the extra day in nursery, but you are coming across as controlling. She was miserable at work and took another job.

Read your own post back, OP. Do you care about your partner's feelings or stress at all? There's a serious lack of empathy here, but mostly on your side...

100% this, you seem to not care at all about her.
Given she's been so stressed and you've had 2 years of being the main one at home,.why don't you go work full time and she can be at home, that's if its really your dd being in childcare is.the issue?

Yabu except on the income drop, and presumably DP will seek opportunities for progression with the new employer.

You've had lots of critical responses OP, I hope you can process them logically.

I think the lower salary coupled with increased childcare cost not being properly discussed is what would annoy me most. You two need to find a way to communicate better.

You also need to try to work better as a team. Listening to each other, compromise, supporting.

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult journey to parenthood. Don't forget that it's been difficult for her too.

You don't come across well on your post.

You're being very selfish and are being very unreasonable.

Were you altering your hours to spend more time at home with your child?

You say you lose half an hour of your morning and evening;are you leaving the responsibility of your child to your partner in the mornings and evenings currently because it sounds like it.

Why are you driving your partners company car?

Your partner isn't responsible for your preference in cars.

Your partner doesn't need your permission to take a job.

Your partner doesn't have to remain in a job where she's unhappy because it suits you.

£2000 less a year is only £38 less a week:if you both do an hours overtime each week that'll probably make up most of that.

What's the relevance of the IVF?;it's coming across as "my partner wanted a kid therefore it's her responsibility to look after it not mine".

If sales at her old job were dying, then redundancy was a very real possibility. You’d have had the stress of her losing her job and potentially finding one that was more hours for £5K less. Depending on where you are in life, sometimes it’s better to wait for the redundancy payment and sometimes it’s better to jump ship beforehand. With a young child and nursery bills, most people would err towards jumping ship beforehand.

Your preference on her company car is completely irrelevant. As an aside though, I find our estate a lot easier to drive than some of our older smaller cars. Our estate has a lot less blind spots. Maybe try it before you dismiss it. If you’re a nervous driver and can’t handle a change in car, you need extra lessons to gain confidence.

You made the decision to go part time but that isn’t for everyone. Finding an extra day of nursery when income has gone down is something that should have been discussed and calculated with rising fees. However, you don’t get to be mad because you made a different decision.

I would never change jobs without thinking about the effect on income, childcare and lifestyle changes and discussing it with DH or vice versa and it rather sounds like your partner has only thought of herself. It's wrong of her to just impose it on you unilaterally. I had a time (as the main breadwinner) when I absolutely had to leave a job due to mental health reasons which meant a drop in income but discussed it all with DH and we were both on board with it.

I just wanted to say that very often children are more settled and happy in nursery if they are there a bit longer. So hopefully this will be the case with your daughter. Its then much more routine for them.

There is an odd dichotomy in your post, you say you're grateful to be part time so you can spend time with your daughter, but at the same time you're resentful of having less income. What do you want?
If you want to work full time then talk to your partner.
Yes having to physically birth a baby is hard, but that's partly why you have maternity leave and presumably your partner had the equivalent of paternity leave, to pick up the slack in the first fortnight, which should help with your recovery.
Do you think your anger is really aimed at your partner, or is it adjusting to your new status quo, combined with hormones, lack of sleep and possibly PND?
I think feeling a bit cross that your partners' choice of working full time, so you are now picking up the extra childcare/ nursery drop off and pick ups on (I'm assuming was her day to look after dc) your working day, without much discussion on how it impacts you, then I can see why you're feeling grumpy, do you now do all the nursery drop offs and pick ups...meaning you're the one rushing around like a blue arsed fly, while your partner's morning hasn't changed and she gets to saunter off to work as normal?
You are being totally unreasonable about the car, you're being unreasonable about your partner wanting to have changed her job, you're being unreasonable about the IVF, presumably this was something you both discussed and concluded that you'd be the one to go through with it?
You're not being unreasonable about not discussing the job situation in more detail, but you are being unreasonable in expecting your partner to have stayed in a miserable job.
You and your partner need to sit down and openly talk about how you are feeling and how to move forward. Otherwise the resentment will brood and fester and you'll end up going separate ways.

Honestly. Your post is just me, me, me. Not once do you consider how your partner may be feeling.

You sound incredibly selfish and entitled.

Nobody should be forced to stay in a job they hate.

You need to also accept that not everything can be based on your needs and expectations only.

With a partnership you have to compromise.

You write this as a boss complaining about their minions it is not all about you

Rookie error OP. If you’d pretended your partner was a man you’d have had everyone’s support!

Gosh you really are self absorbed aren’t you?!
It will be an awful lot harder as a single parent and if you don’t start being more reasonable that’s where you will be.
I appreciate you think it’s been difficult but get a bloody grip. Your poor partner.