Angry at parner for changing jobs

[faded07]

My partner and I have an almost 2-year-old daughter. It was a long road to get to her after 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I also had postpartum depression and it took a while for us to get into the swing of parenting. After a year of mat leave, I went back to work, reducing my house from full-time to 3 days. It is a tough juggling act but I am so glad I get to spent 2 weekdays with my daughter. After such a strenuous journey to get to parenthood (and settle in it), things finally felt good.

My partner managed to negotiate a deal with her employer when I returned to work which allowed her to drop her hours from full-time to 4 days. This meant that she could look after our daughter 1 day a week and they could spend valuable time together too.

Towarda the end of last year, my partner continued to express that she was unhappy at work. There were justified reasons for this (nothing too sinister - an unsupportive management and a dying sales market). What grinds me is that there were a variety of things my partner could have done to try to improve things but she didn’t act on any of them. She went bullish and decided to go for interviews. Before I had much time to process this, she had a job offer. She accepted it when I was very unwell with Covid and didn’t have the energy to properly debate whether it was the right choice.

Today she has gone away for the week to start her new role. She has given up her 1 day a week with our daughter and returned to full-time which has killed me. We have now had to increase our daughter’s nursery days from 2 to 3. Although she is doing well at present, we went through months of inconsolable screaming at each drop off. The thought of that happening again terrifies me. I am dreading taking my daughter in for the extra day and am worried she’ll feel let down or abandoned.

Further to this, my partner’s new job means earlier starts so I lose an extra half hour of my night/morning. She has also had to obviously give back her previous company car which I was insured on and loved driving, and has now got a new car which is a massive estate. As a nervous driver, I doubt I’ll ever get behind the wheel of it. And lastly, the new job is £2,000 less per annum than the previous one. So all of this for less income.

My partner knows I am upset, mostly about mt daughter having to increase her days at nursery. I have tried to be supportive and said we need to give it time but I am feeling so upset and bitter about it today. I put my body through a lot during IVF and pregnancy. I found maternity leave very hard but carried on and saw it through. I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold. I guess I just wish my partner had also just grit her teeth, at least for another year or so, until our daughter was at preschool.

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar. Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to feel less angry?

Hmm I love money would not be happy with the net income drop £2k plus extra nursery fees...
I also have friends who had IVF babies and generally (not always!) they are more precious and fussy about their "miracle" (I know a surprisingly large amount of miracles 😅😅😅😅)
You are probably painfully aware this is your one time shot at each and every moment & stage as there is unlikely to be a sibling so I have some sympathy for that.

BUT
I think the one shot thing is clouding your judgement and you have this notion of what perfect looks like. You need to just enjoy the ride....

You are being very OTT about 3 days Vs 2 and not seeing not from your partners POV or the bigger picture. Being unhappy at work can have huge knock on effects in mood and behaviour at home.
Your goal should be what is realistically best for the household not an imagined idea of what is best for your child which is paramount to all else.

The drop in income and extra nursery days should have been discussed further.

But to be honest, overall, yabu. A lot of what’s bothering you is really bizarre.

You appear to believe that your Dp could just fix what was wrong at work. She worked there. You didn’t. You want her to stay because you preferred it. Even if she was really unhappy. But it’s not your job. It’s easy to say ‘you could easily do xyz’ when you don’t actually experience it.

Your dd isn’t going to be damaged by an extra day at nursery. You being able to drive her car but not liking the new one is plain odd. She can’t keep a job because you are too scared to drive certain cars. What if her car changed?

Last of all insisting she has to stay in a job where she was unhappy in because you went through IVF, pregnancy and labour is really unfair. She can’t do only things that suit you forever.

Think how bad she must have been feeling at the old job if she was willing to drop a day with your daughter and take less pay.

You are sounding very self centred here.

This. It’s be amusing if it was a reverse and the partner was a man

OP I see you’re unsettled by this change and yes, some of the impacts should have been discussed so that’s poor communication by your partner, but fundamentally I think you’d have been unreasonable to object to them changing jobs for the reasons you’ve quoted.

If she wants to drop her 1 day with your child in favour of nursery then I don't see what the issue is. 3 days at nursery isn't a ridiculous amount. I went part time when I had my child and as they got older I thought nursery could better meet her development needs than I could so I upped my hours.

You can't use the fact you carried your child and did IVF as leverage that is unfair.

But yes it should have been discussed.

You're being weirdly over dramatic about your child doing an extra day at nursery. I mean this kindly, did you suffer from PND or anxiety after your child was born? I know mind made me overthink these things.

She probably should have discussed it with you, yes. However:

If she really hated her job, she has every right to get another one. If it's more hours and less money, she must have been desperate to leave. Have you ever actually talked to her about this instead of just judging her?

Your child isn't even 2 years old. They have no concept of how many days they go to nursery. They won't feel abandoned.

Complaining that your partner had to give up the company car you "loved to drive" and that you lose an hour of sleep is incredibly whiny, honestly. And it sort of undermines your whole argument here because it's so petty.

Your child will be fine. Talk to your partner more.

I can relate to this a little bit. My partner was in a very unhappy job when we were TTC and was counting down the days for it to finish even though there were years to go on his fix term contract. The new job came with a long commute but it was fine we could move before baby arrived but then COVID hit. For various reasons our child was 2 before we moved and whilst he had a job he now really enjoyed the commute and our home environment were not ideal. It was a difficult 3 or 4 years for my partner. After moving to an area more suited to us and in the better job he is thriving.

I think your partner was unfair to make a big decision whilst you were in a position to make an assessment on how it would change your family life and also what are the push pull factors for your partner.

It strikes me that you are judging your partner more harshly for losing the day with your daughter rather than the going to 5 days. It comes across as something you cherish and maybe you can't understand why she would so readily drop this and to bring in less money. I think communication about the decision and those push pull factors has been missed and if you could have the considerations you partner went through to decide to take this job could help bring you both back to the same page. I would avoid bringing up the car it's a company car the only factors for what car are the needs of the company and the needs of the employee. Bringing it up won't do you any favours but do sit and have that chat.
Also ask about what the longer term plans are for your partner is this a stepping stone job or a longer term position.

As for the nursery most of my friends work 3-5 days a week with the children in nursery from 3-4 days. One of nursery had a minimum of 2 days and preferred them to be in 3 days as it can be easier for children to settle when they have more contact with the staff. My daughter did 2 days a week from 10 months whilst I was still on mat leave and then 5 months at 5 days a week before I dropped to 4 days a week. From the first week of 5 days a week they commented on how comfortable she now was and much more interactive with the surroundings. It might actually benefit you child to go up to 3 days a week. At the end of the day you have to make the best of a situation and if you are now only able to have 2 days a week with parental child care that's what you can do and embrace what nursery can offer and make the most of every moment of your days off. Leave any negativity about the situation as your little one will notice and maybe be more anxious about nursery

I put my body through a lot during IVF and pregnancy. I found maternity leave very hard but carried on and saw it through. I have dropped my salary by 40% to stay home and be with our daughter. I have put my career on hold

You make it sound like you did all this for your partner, you had no choice in any of it and it benefits you in no way at all. You did have a choice, you still have choices, and you can't use this as a stick to beat your partner with

If dropping your salary and putting your career on hold are such issues for you go back to work full time (plenty of children are in nursery 5 days a week)

Your anxiety stands out the most to me. You seem to be very anxious around parenting your daughter. Sometimes, extreme anxiety can lead to a need to control things around us to avoid the awful feelings. Do you have support for this? GP? Counselling?

You are being totally unreasonable here to expect your partner to stay in a role that she hates. Your post is all woe is me, my time, my life impacted. Grow up and step up to a partnership.

If you are that concerned, drop your own hours to fill the childcare gap, why should your partner do all of the work.

Who knows, perhaps she is getting her finances in order ready to leave a very selfish partner. Wouldn't blame her!

I think the other thing to consider here, is wether the partner did try and discuss it.

Op says they did but she was too sick with Covid. I get being ill. Big likely a decision needed to be made. Most people don’t have tan unlimited window to accept a job. It’s possible the ‘I can’t discuss the job offered because I am to ill’ felt like a brush off.

I can imagine Op might not have been open to a discussion. In their mind their partner just had to out up with it for another year or so and felt they knew their partners work place and job better than their partner. It’s likely the conversation would have been no discussion at all.

And the partner did try. Should they just stay where they are because op says no or can’t discuss it properly?

You sound selfish tbh. That whole post was about how you felt and you didn’t mention how she felt.

Echoing what others have said, your post is very much about YOU, you do not talk about your partners feelings in it at all.

It's horrible to be unhappy in your job, money isn't everything! I changed my job for one paying 2k less a year and I'm much happier, its barely anything per month so I'm not sure why you're making such a big deal of it tbh. My partner was incredibly supportive of my choice, as he wanted me to be happier and less stressed. At least she has a job, it's not like she quit without anything else to go to!

I'll bet that she tried to talk about it but you shut her down and refused to discuss it, therefore she made her own decision on what was best for her. It's not her fault that you are picky about what car you drive!

Stop being so selfish and just get on with it.

"My partner knows I am upset, mostly about mt daughter having to increase her days at nursery."

Nursery is really good for kids.
Why would you be upset - it's still only 3 days there. That means 4 days fully at home.

I think you are being unreasonable. I'm sorry. I realise you went through a lot with the pregnancy and subsequent depression. But you also reduced your working week and reduced your earnings, placing a lot of the burden on your partner. I can't explain what it is like to hate your role. It's utterly soul destroying and I say that as someone who wasn't the breadwinner soo I can't imagine to strain she was under. To also complains about the car she has provided as well?!
Your child will likely not realise that she is in nursery for an extra day, though I do realise the extra financial strain this could cause ( on this I admit your partner could have discussed first).

You lack self awareness
You are being selfish, you can get over loosing a half an hours sleep!!!!
If you are a nervous driver you need to grow a pair and overcome it
Your daughter will get used to her new routine eventually

You could always arrange to go back another day to make up for the drop in income. Even with nursery fees etc, you'd still be better off than at present. The car situation is irrelevant.

Try seeing everything from your partner's point of view in all this and how she must be feeling at getting less time with the child and taking a drop in income.....and how it must have felt to be in a job she hated.

Gosh, I wasn’t expecting so many responses. Wrote this early this morning when upset so appreciate it may have come across self-centred.

Don’t think I should have turned to the internet, was just feeling lonely in my worry. I am in tears now due to the majority of responses. Feel absolutely dreadful. I appreciate people can have a point of view but there really are ways of saying things, especially to someone who is feeling vulnerable.

People don’t seem to think the IVF or pregnancy was an issue. Have they gone through IVF? Four miscarriages is a lot. Hundreds and hundreds of injections is a lot. Birthing a 10lb6oz baby, episiotomy and emergency C-section is a lot. Our baby was born blue and not breathing and spent days in intensive care. My partner was only with me for a week at home before having to return to work after our daughter was born (not her fault - her employer made her TRAVEL immediately so I was left holding baby and in a right state). You’re right - none of this now matters, I was just trying to put my journey into perspective as to why I found it hard.

My partner didn’t hate her job and wasn’t deeply unhappy. She has a history of job hopping which I also should have mentioned. She keeps saying that she will miss spending her 1 day a week with our daughter and is very upset to lose it, but she didn’t even ask her new employer whether 4 days or any reduced hours would be possible. As stated in my original post, there were a variety of things we thought about together to make her old job better and she didn’t act on any of them.

It is hard to say everything in a post and I’ve certainly learnt my lesson to suffer in silence as I feel really awful. Yes, lots of people put their kids in a nursery full-time and it works brilliantly. But that’s not what I want, based on my own preference and the behaviour of my daughter going to nursery screaming for MONTHS (not days, months).

Will delete this post soon.

@faded07there are bits of your post where I think you are being a bit childish I.e. the half hour you are losing and the car.

However, accepting a job that means doing more hours for less money without discussion is also exceptionally selfish and should never have happened.

I think you both need to sit down and discuss this fully

I’m going to go against the grain here and say … that there needs to have been more discussion. They are a household/ team with responsibilities and sometimes as an adult you do HAVE to do things you don’t want to do. If you have the ability to have choices , that’s great. But most people their choices are limited for many factors. Any significant changes , need to be discussed as a team and then alterations to lives/ lifestyles made, if possible. I hope that your partner finds joy in the new role and that you find a happy balance too.

She accepted it when I was very unwell with Covid and didn’t have the energy to properly debate whether it was the right choice

What you really mean is “When I didn’t have the energy to force her to turn it down”

I can see why you're annoyed. DP was always going to have to leave the job if she were that unhappy, but she ought to have been proactive in discussing the impact that was going to have and how best to mitigate it. It's understandable that you'd feel upset about a downside that's just been presented to you to manage.

OP I think you have had a hard time on this post. Whilst your partner should be able to change jobs if unhappy with current one, it is a decision that needs to be discussed as a partnership when it directly impacts the family unit- earning less and increased childcare costs.

You have clearly been through a lot and are feeling upset and unappreciated. YANBU to talk to your DP about it and your worries about your DD at nursery.

I know how you are feeling as I have been in your position with my DH taking a job working away for 2 weeks at a time every month leaving me to work 3 long days a week and look after 2 DC. It wasn't thought through and I felt and still do feel resentful but the best thing to do is discuss it. Try not to focus on the smaller things such as the company car or half an hour in the mornings as they are annoying but could be seen as petty. Focus on the bigger issues such as childcare costs, your DD being unsettled at nursery etc.

Sorry OP, I think you've had a really hard time here.

Of course decisions which impact the family this much should be discussed beforehand, especially when it means an extra day in nursery for your child.

I would be annoyed too if my partner unilaterally decided to change his hours and thereby cancel his agreed day looking after our child so she had to spend another day in nursery - against what we had originally planned and agreed was best for her.

Not sure why you're being criticised so much. Regardless of anything else, that day with your DD was your DP's to manage and now she's taken a job which no longer allows her to do it, plus also taken pay cut even though she's caused an extra day at nursery to be needed. Will she even be able to manage the drop off and pick up on this day or will that now fall to you?